Weighty issue

Lately been putting on lotsa weight, am so scared! Luckily, lose a kg yesterday. I wanna keep on slimming down so to able to wear size 32 pants!! That's my GOAL!! Am trying to take instant noodles for lunch at work and instant oatmeal porridge for afternoon tea-break. Hope this helps me in slimming down.

Dancing queen

Can I be back on dance floor - dancing queen? The last time I was at DBLO, I was only 21 yrs old! Wow! More than 10 yrs since last went to disco. Btwn, 2006 & early 2007, I was at belly dance class at CC. Hmm..time flies.

I can't drink alcohol. I missed my Arbor Mist Merlot, red/white wines & whisky. Ladies night is when I used to enjoy with my gfs.

Once in track & field

Remembering the days when I was in track & field events at Yuhua Sec Sch.Clinched myself trophies in Javelin & Shot Putt in 2nd & 3rd place. Victory I felt & proud of myself.

Now that am always tired, I tried out many a times. Playing street basketball for hours, just to prove myself that am still good at sports but what I get is disappointment. I was totally whacked out with not much energy left.

Am useless!!

On monday, 13th june, Saras called for an ambulance & they insisted sending me to Alex Hosp but I don't want. I rather go SGH. Alex so dear & later I'm the one going thru all the 'torturing' of being asked so many questions.

SGH A&E Dr Mark head snr consultant asked me why I didn't go A&E on sunday night since there's chest pain. I replied saying, wait doctors said I psychological thinking or panic attack, why should I come in. Death I fear not, as I've told Dolly who was with me as she clearing secuity for cab to come in to tower A. Dolly felt my hands icy cold and my body too.

Yesterday appt with doctor

Yesterday, appt with Dr Lee. Asked what's my goal, there's no right or wrong answer. Sighz...goals..I've lotsa things to yet to fulfil.

Being a pianist since my secondary sch days was dashed when mother forbids me to go to my music teacher house where she'll groom me & send me to UK music sch. Ms Tan told me I've talent for it since without any proper guidance, I could play piano with feelings in which she never come across in her students before.

Wanna my mother to be in the session, I wanna but afraid mother's feelings might be hurt. Since she's the youngest in her family, she was never loved by even her own biological mother. Grandmother wanna gave her away because she's ugly due to her dark complexion. Mother had a god-mother who was a prostitute who liked mother as she has good behaviour & intelligent. Of all her siblings, only Uncle Jim (Augustine 4th uncle) dotes on mother when she's was young. Hence, I could understand that mother put all her love on me. At times, it could hurt me cause I felt no freedom and everything mother also wanna knows and tells me to do this and that. I tolerated it but I knew my temper, it just a matter of time, I might blow off my top at her anytime but I just couldn't control. I felt sad & angry at myself.

Now that mother has only me only, when dad is at Apex Harmony Lodge. Dad thinned & without tummy now, told mummy that he wanna come home to have a look. We didn't have transportation, thats the problem. I missed dad so much.

Younger brother moved out of house long time. Always got letters for him from law firms and telco, all in red. Haiz, dunno what's he is doing outside. Attitude, played truant during his sec sch days but he passed with flying colours to get himself to pre-U but he don't want. The latter then blamed mother because we're so poor, can't send him to sch and he didn't asked to be born. We were angry as we told him to further his studies but he choose not to at the point of time and he could work part-time while studying in pre-U.

Few years back, when he was still staying with us before he moved out. Hit me in many occassions and even threatened to burn the house over the buns I bought for daddy for his breakfast the next day. Dad was already suffering from parksinson & alzhemier. Why I had such a younger brother. When he moved out, we had peaceful days for years till recently, kept mentioning to mother that he wanna move back! Even the 'legal loan sharks' came knocking on our door looking for my younger brother. At one time, I happened to go out to get something, told the guy to go look for him himself & not to bother us, we don't even know where his whereabouts & the loan he owned, go look for him, we won't pay for him as we had no money.

I will take care of mother, mother is really pitiful & I don't wish to hurt her anymore. She had long term depression and didn't see any doctor for it on medication. At MPS, there's Dr Andre & own GP Dr Omar & Dr Loh also said mother had depression. Mother wana me to get well 1st before she see a doctor for it. Afraid, anything both of us in hospital.

I won't move out of house, the remaining amount, I'm using my CPF to pay with aid from MPS to HDB. I love mummy but with my current medical condition, she's hurt deeply already.

Recently, vision gettign blurry. Why? My diabetic retinopathy, seeing Dr Bobby Cheng & Profession JF Cullen at SNEC. At SGH, seeing many doctors. Diabetic ctr, Dr Tan HC, podiatrist, nutritionist, Dr Lee HY psychiatrist, Kevin Beck snr psychologist, snr physiotherapist.

Of late,numbness in hands & legs, whole body so icy cold. The feeling of bones cracking, aching all over. Am not sickly but with all these conditions, made me until so sickly!! I HATE THIS! Seeing GP so often monthly exhausting my miserable salary.

I wanna go disco but can I drink whisky? Transportation how? Cab very dear with 50% surcharge over midnight.

Put on weight!!

HELP!! I've put on a lot of weight these few days after whipping up some nice simple dishes. Cooked grilled beef spaghetti in sesame sauce topped with bonito flakes & roasted seaweed. Since it's gonna to have heavy downpour anytime at night.

Appointment

Yesterday, almost whole day spent at SGH. Early morning, went to see Florence on msw matters and followed by my appt with Dr Lee. Learnt from counter staff she's on medical leave after much prompting. Dr Soo saw me and he's MO.

Since left with no choice as having side effects on medication. Dr Soo told me to take 75mg fluvoxamine 1st & to inform Dr Lee the next appt. Was thinking to share with Dr Lee lotsa stuffs but she's not in. Hmm...

My cough was very bad and was told to stay off ice-cream. Eh..my favourite leh. Recently, craving for carbos especially chocolates and diabetes tibits. How? Ask to be given appetite suppresent medication but was told not now at the moment. I wanted to go for hypnotherapy and Dr Soo said to let Dr Lee decide when she's back. How? I put on a lot of weight!!

SCREAM...

$$$

Money money money, nothing but what I need most is money. Spent mostly on transport and medical with current medical condition I am in. Hoping for reasonable bonus or increment. Better than nothing thou.

How to make more money via IT?