Yesterday appt with doctor

Yesterday, appt with Dr Lee. Asked what's my goal, there's no right or wrong answer. Sighz...goals..I've lotsa things to yet to fulfil.

Being a pianist since my secondary sch days was dashed when mother forbids me to go to my music teacher house where she'll groom me & send me to UK music sch. Ms Tan told me I've talent for it since without any proper guidance, I could play piano with feelings in which she never come across in her students before.

Wanna my mother to be in the session, I wanna but afraid mother's feelings might be hurt. Since she's the youngest in her family, she was never loved by even her own biological mother. Grandmother wanna gave her away because she's ugly due to her dark complexion. Mother had a god-mother who was a prostitute who liked mother as she has good behaviour & intelligent. Of all her siblings, only Uncle Jim (Augustine 4th uncle) dotes on mother when she's was young. Hence, I could understand that mother put all her love on me. At times, it could hurt me cause I felt no freedom and everything mother also wanna knows and tells me to do this and that. I tolerated it but I knew my temper, it just a matter of time, I might blow off my top at her anytime but I just couldn't control. I felt sad & angry at myself.

Now that mother has only me only, when dad is at Apex Harmony Lodge. Dad thinned & without tummy now, told mummy that he wanna come home to have a look. We didn't have transportation, thats the problem. I missed dad so much.

Younger brother moved out of house long time. Always got letters for him from law firms and telco, all in red. Haiz, dunno what's he is doing outside. Attitude, played truant during his sec sch days but he passed with flying colours to get himself to pre-U but he don't want. The latter then blamed mother because we're so poor, can't send him to sch and he didn't asked to be born. We were angry as we told him to further his studies but he choose not to at the point of time and he could work part-time while studying in pre-U.

Few years back, when he was still staying with us before he moved out. Hit me in many occassions and even threatened to burn the house over the buns I bought for daddy for his breakfast the next day. Dad was already suffering from parksinson & alzhemier. Why I had such a younger brother. When he moved out, we had peaceful days for years till recently, kept mentioning to mother that he wanna move back! Even the 'legal loan sharks' came knocking on our door looking for my younger brother. At one time, I happened to go out to get something, told the guy to go look for him himself & not to bother us, we don't even know where his whereabouts & the loan he owned, go look for him, we won't pay for him as we had no money.

I will take care of mother, mother is really pitiful & I don't wish to hurt her anymore. She had long term depression and didn't see any doctor for it on medication. At MPS, there's Dr Andre & own GP Dr Omar & Dr Loh also said mother had depression. Mother wana me to get well 1st before she see a doctor for it. Afraid, anything both of us in hospital.

I won't move out of house, the remaining amount, I'm using my CPF to pay with aid from MPS to HDB. I love mummy but with my current medical condition, she's hurt deeply already.

Recently, vision gettign blurry. Why? My diabetic retinopathy, seeing Dr Bobby Cheng & Profession JF Cullen at SNEC. At SGH, seeing many doctors. Diabetic ctr, Dr Tan HC, podiatrist, nutritionist, Dr Lee HY psychiatrist, Kevin Beck snr psychologist, snr physiotherapist.

Of late,numbness in hands & legs, whole body so icy cold. The feeling of bones cracking, aching all over. Am not sickly but with all these conditions, made me until so sickly!! I HATE THIS! Seeing GP so often monthly exhausting my miserable salary.

I wanna go disco but can I drink whisky? Transportation how? Cab very dear with 50% surcharge over midnight.