Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Suicide thoughts
For past few days, suicide thoughts been coming back. I felt extremely depressed, tired and headache. Most of the time, dizziness. Just now, I felt so confused and frustrated, I held my head. Later, headed to ladies and cried out and thought of jumping off a building or taking knife to cut my wrist for no apparent reason.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Upsetting
During friday lunch, received call from Sis Pat that the CDSMP workshop is postphoned & I called mother up whether wanna go Ngee Ann City to watch lion dance competition since weather is good. Performance ain't that exciting, could be due to it's traditional & not free-style.
Mother wanted to go on sat to catch the performance and I didn't really wanted to as I was very tired out and bodyaching. Woke up at 2.50 pm on sat. Reached home quite late on friday. Told mother, even if I accompany her, I will go shopping and she just watch the lion dance competition. She planned to set off at 6 p.m and later blamed me by saying: "If I've known earlier, my gal doesn't want to watch, I go there by myself earlier." What is mother trying to say manz! Told her beforehand already.
When we reached there, asked if she wanted to share sushi and she agreed too when she just wanted the curry puff only. After buying dinner, mother ticked me off for buying so much sushi - inside consists of 10. I got fed up also, I ate 5 sushi and went off for my shopping for sports apparels since the fair is on.
Got myself 2 FILA polo tees for $19.90 each and mother say why I paid so much for polo tee, asked me nice meh? Haiz! Am the one wearing, if I like it, I buy. Why bother me so much! Making me as if am still small little kid, need to listen to mummy's words. Always tell people am "big baby". when you're the ONE whose CONTROLLING ME! Mother popped questions on what occassion I wear the Fila polo tee, I replied saying anytime. At times, we just don't see eye to eye at all!
For past few weeks, having severe gastroenteritis and spent so much money on medical fees at GP clinic and very stressful at work. I'm extremely EXHAUSTED! Glipizide making me fat too & I've put on 5 kgs!!
It hurts me a lot! I cried myself to sleep but can't. I just poke deeply with my fingernails on my hands & thighs to ease the pain deep inside me. Feel like even taking my own life & leave this sad world.
Mother wanted to go on sat to catch the performance and I didn't really wanted to as I was very tired out and bodyaching. Woke up at 2.50 pm on sat. Reached home quite late on friday. Told mother, even if I accompany her, I will go shopping and she just watch the lion dance competition. She planned to set off at 6 p.m and later blamed me by saying: "If I've known earlier, my gal doesn't want to watch, I go there by myself earlier." What is mother trying to say manz! Told her beforehand already.
When we reached there, asked if she wanted to share sushi and she agreed too when she just wanted the curry puff only. After buying dinner, mother ticked me off for buying so much sushi - inside consists of 10. I got fed up also, I ate 5 sushi and went off for my shopping for sports apparels since the fair is on.
Got myself 2 FILA polo tees for $19.90 each and mother say why I paid so much for polo tee, asked me nice meh? Haiz! Am the one wearing, if I like it, I buy. Why bother me so much! Making me as if am still small little kid, need to listen to mummy's words. Always tell people am "big baby". when you're the ONE whose CONTROLLING ME! Mother popped questions on what occassion I wear the Fila polo tee, I replied saying anytime. At times, we just don't see eye to eye at all!
For past few weeks, having severe gastroenteritis and spent so much money on medical fees at GP clinic and very stressful at work. I'm extremely EXHAUSTED! Glipizide making me fat too & I've put on 5 kgs!!
It hurts me a lot! I cried myself to sleep but can't. I just poke deeply with my fingernails on my hands & thighs to ease the pain deep inside me. Feel like even taking my own life & leave this sad world.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Frustrations
Wed's late afternoon, I couldn't tolerate the extreme sharp abdominal pain on the upper left, asked for permission to see GP. Mgr asked me what happened? Told him of the pain and he said: "Ok." Reading GP's clinic around 4.50 pm plus and I waited few more patients before it's my turn. Doctor told me to lie down and she pressed to see if any pain and was told I had severe gastroentitis but need not have injection.
Msg-ed Jason who is my taxi driver that I won't be reporting for work the next day, on medical leave.
I woke up late in the morning on thurs, took my hp and saw missed Jason's 8 calls. Thought something very important, called Jason back, to find that his younger son had chicken pox! Asked if my mother remember what to eat and what not to. Advised him to bring his son to see Dr Sarani who will be at Jurong's clinic but he replied saying: "No need, as he brought his son to nearby private clinic." Up to him, whatever he deem fit.
I was very sleepy at 5.30 pm, went to bed and woke up at 8.45 pm thou I'veset alarm for 7.30 pm. Woke up feeling unwell. Had simple dinner and tucked in bed almost 1 a.m I couldn't fall asleep at all even when soft music was played. Hard to get up this morning.
From our kitchen's window, mother saw Jason's taxi downstairs and time wa 7.20 am! Right after mother notified me, received Jason's sms asking whether am ready, I replied: "Coming." 7.40 am reaching his cab, I apologised as I've overslept. Wonder if he made up the story or whatever, saying: "Just now got one auntie approached him, saying his car engine disturbed her sleep. Wanna complain." So he switched his engine off and said he's very angry. I asked him which auntie and whether she's from the 2nd storey. He said he had no idea, afraid complain then dunno how to earn living.
During journey to work, he mentioned about the call centre of prime, being suspended due to call from customers and then taxi drivers went to destination to discover customers not there and wasted time waiting and trhat waiting 10 mins could delay them from fetching other customers and their living. I was boiling deep down, you wana come much earlier, that's your own business and I didn't let you wait for me for so long like his other customers as to >30 mins!
He even cited that whenever he called, as if I purposely dun want to take his call. Come on manz! I was on medical leave yesterday, when I woke up realised 8 missed calls, I also called back, thought something very important! I don't work on weekends, my hp always on silent mode whenever am sleeping, when I've woke up, sure to ON my hp with ringtone. How to expect me to take your call on weekends when I've haven't wake up and hp on silent mode. Last time, you told my mother you don't wake up this early and no customers then now blame me. Don't give me this kinda shit excuses! You want just tell me wanna drive or not! YES or NO, simple as that!
Checking on office emails, saw mgr's email to snr mgr and team that I requested for earlier release to see doctor and another email saying I've sms-ed on 1 day mc due to severe gastric. Come on! Mgr leh, need to email snr mgr, in that case, if you're undecidable, I shall go to snr mgr better for me.
Am boiling, very frustrated, very angry. Like volcano erupting! Listening to symphony whenever am feeling these.
Msg-ed Jason who is my taxi driver that I won't be reporting for work the next day, on medical leave.
I woke up late in the morning on thurs, took my hp and saw missed Jason's 8 calls. Thought something very important, called Jason back, to find that his younger son had chicken pox! Asked if my mother remember what to eat and what not to. Advised him to bring his son to see Dr Sarani who will be at Jurong's clinic but he replied saying: "No need, as he brought his son to nearby private clinic." Up to him, whatever he deem fit.
I was very sleepy at 5.30 pm, went to bed and woke up at 8.45 pm thou I'veset alarm for 7.30 pm. Woke up feeling unwell. Had simple dinner and tucked in bed almost 1 a.m I couldn't fall asleep at all even when soft music was played. Hard to get up this morning.
From our kitchen's window, mother saw Jason's taxi downstairs and time wa 7.20 am! Right after mother notified me, received Jason's sms asking whether am ready, I replied: "Coming." 7.40 am reaching his cab, I apologised as I've overslept. Wonder if he made up the story or whatever, saying: "Just now got one auntie approached him, saying his car engine disturbed her sleep. Wanna complain." So he switched his engine off and said he's very angry. I asked him which auntie and whether she's from the 2nd storey. He said he had no idea, afraid complain then dunno how to earn living.
During journey to work, he mentioned about the call centre of prime, being suspended due to call from customers and then taxi drivers went to destination to discover customers not there and wasted time waiting and trhat waiting 10 mins could delay them from fetching other customers and their living. I was boiling deep down, you wana come much earlier, that's your own business and I didn't let you wait for me for so long like his other customers as to >30 mins!
He even cited that whenever he called, as if I purposely dun want to take his call. Come on manz! I was on medical leave yesterday, when I woke up realised 8 missed calls, I also called back, thought something very important! I don't work on weekends, my hp always on silent mode whenever am sleeping, when I've woke up, sure to ON my hp with ringtone. How to expect me to take your call on weekends when I've haven't wake up and hp on silent mode. Last time, you told my mother you don't wake up this early and no customers then now blame me. Don't give me this kinda shit excuses! You want just tell me wanna drive or not! YES or NO, simple as that!
Checking on office emails, saw mgr's email to snr mgr and team that I requested for earlier release to see doctor and another email saying I've sms-ed on 1 day mc due to severe gastric. Come on! Mgr leh, need to email snr mgr, in that case, if you're undecidable, I shall go to snr mgr better for me.
Am boiling, very frustrated, very angry. Like volcano erupting! Listening to symphony whenever am feeling these.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Cold weather
Weather been cold for days which prompted me to take a glass of white wine to warm myself up last night after taking 5 sticks of satays and dinner. Can't actually remembered whether I can take alcohol and I msged Eunice just now. hee...*haughty*
Mother woke up early this morning to whip up a meal for my lunch as I've been taking instant cup noodles for days and said not good for me. Had lunch earlier at 11.40 a.m since am feeling hungry but seems filling after taking halfway. Got fish, broccoli and portobello mushroom. Ate an organic small apple too. When I try napping, there's piercing left abdominal pain.
Mother woke up early this morning to whip up a meal for my lunch as I've been taking instant cup noodles for days and said not good for me. Had lunch earlier at 11.40 a.m since am feeling hungry but seems filling after taking halfway. Got fish, broccoli and portobello mushroom. Ate an organic small apple too. When I try napping, there's piercing left abdominal pain.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Cant get out of bed and sooooooooooo sleepy
This morning, pressed the alarm snooze for many times and I just couldn't find myself out of the bed and I feel just sooooooooooooooooo SLEEPY. I tucked in bed at 12.30 midnight and I managed to pull myself up nat 6.50 a.m.
Dressed up iny spaghetti top with shirt over it and my bell bottoms for work. Just nice as Jason, my taxi driver is downstairs. Yesterday I purposely disturbed him by sms-ing him "Am downstairs liao" since he always did that whenever he's downstairs much earlier. hee... Let him taste back his own medicine. He was surprised I was so early yesterday...haha
I had my breakfast right in front of laptop and my eyes are so droppy. Putting eyedrops helps a bit but still my head kept nodding "yes, I understand." Woo...I stood up, walked to pantry, ladies and boiled some hot water. Don't feel like having my lunch later on but just wanna catch some prescious nap moment. hee...
Yesterday lunch, went out to have single swiss burger with fries without salt and hot milo. Intended to have mcdonalds double filet o fish wasabi but abolished the idea. Bought a mcflurry cornetto thou after getting my bathroom necessities.
Mother always nagging me to eat more rice, meats and veges but I just feel full already. Whenever I snacked on seaweed, mother would say horse must eat grass. Precisely, I love seaweed a lot. Knowing macadamia and walnuts are fattening, I switch to seaweed.
Just now, I even had 3 pieces of munchy chocolates flavour biscuits and one 60 calories Hersey chocolate stick. Oh no...
Am EXTREMELY TIRED OUT!! Coughing persisting.
Dressed up iny spaghetti top with shirt over it and my bell bottoms for work. Just nice as Jason, my taxi driver is downstairs. Yesterday I purposely disturbed him by sms-ing him "Am downstairs liao" since he always did that whenever he's downstairs much earlier. hee... Let him taste back his own medicine. He was surprised I was so early yesterday...haha
I had my breakfast right in front of laptop and my eyes are so droppy. Putting eyedrops helps a bit but still my head kept nodding "yes, I understand." Woo...I stood up, walked to pantry, ladies and boiled some hot water. Don't feel like having my lunch later on but just wanna catch some prescious nap moment. hee...
Yesterday lunch, went out to have single swiss burger with fries without salt and hot milo. Intended to have mcdonalds double filet o fish wasabi but abolished the idea. Bought a mcflurry cornetto thou after getting my bathroom necessities.
Mother always nagging me to eat more rice, meats and veges but I just feel full already. Whenever I snacked on seaweed, mother would say horse must eat grass. Precisely, I love seaweed a lot. Knowing macadamia and walnuts are fattening, I switch to seaweed.
Just now, I even had 3 pieces of munchy chocolates flavour biscuits and one 60 calories Hersey chocolate stick. Oh no...
Am EXTREMELY TIRED OUT!! Coughing persisting.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Fri morning
Fri morning, symptoms persisting, went to see GP since she wasn't here last evening at jurong. No strength, symtoms persist, felt extremely weak. Prescribed Dexametrophan 30mg-cough, Domperidone 10mg-gas & Loratadine 10mg-nose allergy. Advised to take omeprazole twice a day since gastric severe. Was given one day mc to rest.
Wonder why I have those "unwanted" thought when took metformin. Felt so terrible in thurs, struggling throughout the day. My mood is extremely low for the next few days.
Wonder why I have those "unwanted" thought when took metformin. Felt so terrible in thurs, struggling throughout the day. My mood is extremely low for the next few days.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Metformin 250mg 2x daily
After breakfast, took 1 metformin 250mg. Around 11 am plus, I could feel light-headedness, migraine, icy cold hands. I could not concentrate what am doing. OMG!
I've just have to keep track, what to do. Later in afternoon, cant tolerate. Gastric too painful, unexplained extreme tiredness, nausea, light headedness, icy cold hands. Msged Eunice and tried calling her, guess she's on leave today. Paged for Dr Tan, informing him my symptoms which are similar to previous experience. He said it's unusual but consider to continue for another day, if can't tolerate, to call him up again tommorrow and he'll prescribed me back the glipizide (which will make me fat.) He sounded unhappy over the phone. Just like a needle don't have two heads.
I've faxed over my readings and comments to Eunice for her information since advised by her yesterday to keep her updated of any symptoms.
After work, going to see GP. GP also had a patient whom also experienced similar symptoms as I do.
I've just have to keep track, what to do. Later in afternoon, cant tolerate. Gastric too painful, unexplained extreme tiredness, nausea, light headedness, icy cold hands. Msged Eunice and tried calling her, guess she's on leave today. Paged for Dr Tan, informing him my symptoms which are similar to previous experience. He said it's unusual but consider to continue for another day, if can't tolerate, to call him up again tommorrow and he'll prescribed me back the glipizide (which will make me fat.) He sounded unhappy over the phone. Just like a needle don't have two heads.
I've faxed over my readings and comments to Eunice for her information since advised by her yesterday to keep her updated of any symptoms.
After work, going to see GP. GP also had a patient whom also experienced similar symptoms as I do.
Yesterday happenings
During yesterday appointment, doctor told me he will changed my medication to metformin 250mg instead to be taken twice per day and see how it goes. To aid me in reducing weight since glipizide is 2.5 mg om and it's making me fat.
Waited for nutritionist, Cherry saw me. Wonder if she's from HK, the way her cantonese sounds. I dun like her, whatever she told me differs from other nutritionist whom counselled me. I woke p very early in the morning and almost 11 am plus, getting on my nerves! Saying diabetic jam can put more whereas others say try not to take it often. She dun give me the confidence I should have in her. Her cold soft beverage was on her table even. Atlas, the way she asked me, "you understand or not?" pissed me off very much!
When the session over, she asked my mother what had she done which provoked me. Duhz!
Waited for nutritionist, Cherry saw me. Wonder if she's from HK, the way her cantonese sounds. I dun like her, whatever she told me differs from other nutritionist whom counselled me. I woke p very early in the morning and almost 11 am plus, getting on my nerves! Saying diabetic jam can put more whereas others say try not to take it often. She dun give me the confidence I should have in her. Her cold soft beverage was on her table even. Atlas, the way she asked me, "you understand or not?" pissed me off very much!
When the session over, she asked my mother what had she done which provoked me. Duhz!
Monday, August 24, 2009
No one understands
When I posted similar posting at my facebook, my overseas friend wrote:
I had 4 fresh kiwifruit in a smoothie and within 12 hours detox stuff came out! I donno why you are on a restricted fruit diet, it is very very obvious to me that your body seems to be highly toxified and needs fresh whole foods - esp fruits and veggies.Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ... Read MoreIf all those experts cant help you you gotta start getting more knowledge and helping yourself, girlfriend!Step by step, whatever you learn becomes yours, no one in the world knows you better than you, or can take care of you better than you, cos no one CAN know you better than you. You owe it to yourself to become your best and your body is feedingback that something needs to change.
How much do they really understand about diabetes, diabetic retinopathy and nutrition. Shared with them, even under normal cicumstances, one should take only 2 servings of fruits per day and not exceeding. Argon laser is just to stabilise my condition and not correcting my vision!!
Whenever I showed mgr the medical certificate from SNEC, mgr will keep asking back the same old questions again:
What is the laser for?
How long need to laser?
Can your eyes take it or not?
How you feel?
I got so feddup that I feel like giving 2 panda eyes!!
I had 4 fresh kiwifruit in a smoothie and within 12 hours detox stuff came out! I donno why you are on a restricted fruit diet, it is very very obvious to me that your body seems to be highly toxified and needs fresh whole foods - esp fruits and veggies.Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ... Read MoreIf all those experts cant help you you gotta start getting more knowledge and helping yourself, girlfriend!Step by step, whatever you learn becomes yours, no one in the world knows you better than you, or can take care of you better than you, cos no one CAN know you better than you. You owe it to yourself to become your best and your body is feedingback that something needs to change.
How much do they really understand about diabetes, diabetic retinopathy and nutrition. Shared with them, even under normal cicumstances, one should take only 2 servings of fruits per day and not exceeding. Argon laser is just to stabilise my condition and not correcting my vision!!
Whenever I showed mgr the medical certificate from SNEC, mgr will keep asking back the same old questions again:
What is the laser for?
How long need to laser?
Can your eyes take it or not?
How you feel?
I got so feddup that I feel like giving 2 panda eyes!!
Oh no, not again!
Last thurs evening, 20th Aug, went to see GP. Feeling very nausea, dizzy, cough, bodyache, migraine and diarrhea. GP gave me a specimen bottle to collect stool specimen if it's still black and head to A&E straight away. Under normal circumstances, couldn't be black unless taking iron supplement.
Around 11pm, diarrhea again and it's black. Collected specimen & mother brought me to SGH A&E. Doctor said need not go for stool lab test but took my blood instead. Advised me to rest at home and prescribed me some medication, telling me it's virus gastronomy (GP told me this too.).
Luckily, there's 2 cabs at blk 4 outside 24 hrs Cheers, reached home at 2 a.m. and smsed mgr about on medical leave on friday, 21 Aug. Afraid I couldn't wake up early to call or sms him.
On 21 Aug, fri, received sms from mgr at 5.05 pm asking me what's happen.
Over the weekends, I was staying at home resting. So weak, unable to sleep well, kept on having dreams, tossing in bed, migrain, nausea and dizziness. Enough of these!!
Back to work today, only to read mgr's email timed 12.30 pm asking me wonder why I didn't report for work. Don't tell me, whole of friday morning and afternoon, he didn't on his handphone?
Around 11pm, diarrhea again and it's black. Collected specimen & mother brought me to SGH A&E. Doctor said need not go for stool lab test but took my blood instead. Advised me to rest at home and prescribed me some medication, telling me it's virus gastronomy (GP told me this too.).
Luckily, there's 2 cabs at blk 4 outside 24 hrs Cheers, reached home at 2 a.m. and smsed mgr about on medical leave on friday, 21 Aug. Afraid I couldn't wake up early to call or sms him.
On 21 Aug, fri, received sms from mgr at 5.05 pm asking me what's happen.
Over the weekends, I was staying at home resting. So weak, unable to sleep well, kept on having dreams, tossing in bed, migrain, nausea and dizziness. Enough of these!!
Back to work today, only to read mgr's email timed 12.30 pm asking me wonder why I didn't report for work. Don't tell me, whole of friday morning and afternoon, he didn't on his handphone?
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