Mood

My mood of late, can say am better but don't say I'm really that happy either. Just there! On birthday, I forgot to take fluoxetine & ended up at night having suicidal thoughts! Coming appointment at ENT for VBT requires me to stop certain medicines like fluoxetine & others which causes drownsiness too...plus don't eat 3 hrs before the test. Sat going for fasting blood test, seeing Dr Tan on coming 23rd dec.

Feeling fatigue & always in pain. Of late, been having hay fever, pain, coughing, flu..recovering now. People saw me happy, oh well, am just trying to mask my bottom feeling. Just don't wish to dampen them with my depressing mood.

Ya, I'm left with not much cash right now. Am trying to scrimp as much as I can to save up for medical fees. Last mth alone, over $400 deducted from my salary. By eating cup noodles, I can save transport fee going out to eat even the economic rice which will cost me $2.70 at least. No one will take pity on you if you have ni money, in fact, they will shun you.

Dislike being obese

I dislike the way I am now, being too obese & putting on weight. My Diabex program is stop temporary due to follow up visit to cardiologist to ensure everything is alright before I can continue with the exercise.

Every since my exercise regimen is stopped, I've been putting on much more weight! Am eating a small bowl of rice with vegetables & meat/fish for dinner, cup noodles/ bread/ oatmeal drink for lunch, 2 slices wholemeal/ multi-grain bread with chocolate spread/ low fat cheese/ jam/ tuna & biscuits for snacks in btwn.

I just don't understand why at times at certain period can crave for chocolates a lot!! I just have to restrict myself to 2 pieces of it, otherwise I can't wear my size 38 pants, plus weighing machine gonna spoilt!!

Stop it! Just stop eating!!! Eat vegetables, chee cheong fan & soupy noodles. Don't eat meat, please for god sake!! Must reduce more weight, 20kg, okie?!
Be it new year resolution!!

Cute happenings yesterday

At SGH. I was having appointment at ENT in the morning but waited till after lunch time, then MO saw me. In between, I went for early lunch at 11.30 am at the nearbu kopitiam near diabetes centre. After which, approached LIFE centre to get prescription from Dr Lee HY upon learning there's 7 more patients to go before me.

When I reached back at ENT, surprised to find that Q 1120 over! The nurses apologises for making the mistake, thinking I went for the hearing test. Mo did a endoscopy on my nose and noted blocked nose, prescribed me nasal spray, ginkgo biloba & another medication for allergy blocked nose to see how it goes before going for sleep disorder test. MO very cute! Wrote in notes to see me in 3 mths times but med give 2 mths time.

At the diabetes centre, received prescription by another doctor, Dr Ng. He came out asking me am sure whether I got take metformin or not, I replied yes! U may want to call Dr Tan.

31st Birthday Celebration

31st Birthday celebrated at Pariss International Seafood Buffet Restaurant which is now located at Marina Square. To our surprise, all the staffs changed & even most food items are omitted. There weren't any baby lobsters as seen on their website, no more soft shell crab, foie gras, varieties of crabs and many more. Most frustrating thing is we have to wait for the "live" oysters for long. 1st round, the oysters weren't that fresh & quite fishy smell.

When I placed my numbered fish clip into it, waited for >1hr, yet the clips are still on the tray. I highlighted to the waiter but he doesn't seem to even understand basic English! The counter waitress came over & apologised to me and took 4 freshly freshier oysters since I've 2 clips. After that, mother wanna go for another round, had to wait very long also but to receive only ONE!!

Impression: don't want to let customers eat a lot of oysters?! If this is the case, don't promote as buffet! We won't go back anymore as the food ain't that fresh enough and not much varieties, no wonder not full housed. Last time, at Ngee Ann City, sure full housed & have to wait for long before getting a table.

After that, we went takashimaya for a walk & took some photos with the nicely decorated Christmas trees & the one outside ION too.

Eat already put on 2kgs! Horrible!! Not going for any buffets in future, ala carte will do. I ended walking >5 hrs trying to shed extra kilos.

LIFE ctr at SGH Bowyer Block

11th Nov, my 1st appt at SGH LIFE ctr with Eric Ho who is my snr physiotherapist. Made a health assessment and signed up for DIABEX program consisting of 18 sessions over 3 months period.

Eric told me he had consulted with Dr Lee Huei Yen as I've chest pain, difficulty breathing & knee pain, had to have an ECG done before he can increase the intensity. I've old injury on my left knee & shoulder blade which sometimes the pain is excruciating!

I was also advised to do exercises only at LIFE ctr, cannot do exercises on my own, the most I can go cycling for 30 mins over wkends. I had to adhered to my 6 small meal plans, cannot skip nor don't eat at all, otherwise he'll pull me out of the program. :p

Hee..at home playing my WII Nintendo sports, count or not huh? hehe

Before I start my exercises, they will monitor my blood sugar & blood pressure to ensure am alright to start. Oh well, this morning had to rest a while 1st before exercising too.

Had some stretches, cycling 20 mins, chest press, pull down, neck pull (all 2 x 15 sets), threadmill 20 mins with 5 mins cool down session, dumbbells and leg press. Phew, all completed in more than 3hrs!! I had breathing difficulties, knee having excruciating pain while cycling & on threadmill.

My blood glucose reading: before exercise 10 a.m 14.8 because I took 2 pratas and 1 small potato for breakfast at 9.30 a.m. Need to have more hence, sugar won't go so low after exercise. After exercise, blood glucose reading 8.5!! Very good!! Time for me to change and go for lunch.

Saw Dr Lee HY when I was approaching block 4 but guess she didn't saw me huh? hee... Later, I saw Prof JF Cullen at Delifrance again. We had a nice chat and he told me he remember seeing me on TV CNA.

After having lunch, went to DBC to look for DNE Eunice to ask her which blood pressure monitor good as mine's at home is cranky. Had nice chat with the familiar counter staffs and nurses whom they told me they saw me how I presented during the public forum. I need to rush back to work le.

My homepage

Gosh! Till now still having problem accessing my very own homepage at http://jen78.multiply.com/ Hence for my fans, temp I will be posting right here. Just bear with it. Sorry for any inconvenience caused.

Initially, when I set up my own webpage & DSTA blog, didn't expect anyone would ever read my blogs or photos. To my surprise, I've got a lot of fans. At my DSTA blog, I post about health and nutrition to share with others to stay healthy, books am currently reading too.

Well, own webpage definitely about personal blogs whenever am happy/ depressed/ sharing something interesting.

10th Nov "LIVE" interview on CNA

10th Nov 09. going on "LIVE" interview on CNA. Am so excited that I need to take diazepam the previous night to calm my anxiety & sleep better. I reached mediacorp much earlier than I thought. It was my 1st time appearing at the studio!

It's very big place and also with lotsa soft toys on tables just like my office. hee.. who doesn't like cute soft toys. *winks*

When it was Marco & myself to step into the studio, I began to feel anxiety creeping up on me again. Oh dear.. which I later forget to mentioned my prepared answer to the questions: How do I half my medication? Ans: Because of psychiatric medication which help elevated my mood, along with physiotherapy, careful nutrition diet & close monitoring of blood glucose level.

Advice for young diabetes is don't go for aggressive change of lifestyle such as total low fat diet & unproven type of herbs. Always go for 2nd opinion if in doubt.

Hmm... too bad, my mind just blank out. So embarrassing...*blush*

Marco was so composed!! Suzanne Jung & Steven Chia look so pretty & handsome in person!! Wow!! Idol manz!!

Appearing on TV studio is so much different in appearing for TNP where I was interviewed by Yeoh Wee Teck in year 2007 Table for 4 at Marriott Hotel. hehe..

Marco & myself can't wait to see ourselves how we appear on tv, waiting to be stream at CNA.

Public Forum Talk - Self-mgmt on Diabetes HPB 7th Nov 09

7th Nov 09, I was to be at HPB to attend prize presentation which I won myself wii Nintendo, cold storage voucher & spice garden walk with morning gourmet & also invited to give talk in mandarin. OMG! I told Dr Tan Hong Chang that my mandarin is 'pte ltd' but insisted going for it, hence I just agreed since they told me it's perfectly alright to mix. haha

Upon reaching, saw familiar faces there, staffs at SGH diabetes ctr. Was received by Celestine whom showed us the way in. Roland Choo came to give me support, really appreciated it. He's a director of his own company dealing in water treatment & helping out at Taman Jurong MPS.

During tea-break at around 3pm, I had hypo symptom again & I headed to sofa & quickly had sweets 1st before having finger food. Before I went on stage to give talk, another episode of it. I tried to steady myself & had hard time looking at my script due to lightings & my vision. OMG! I had hard time speaking in mandarin & I ended up speaking in English, lol...

Aiya, better than the doctor whom Mandarin is worse off than me. Said I go squash & ballet when it's badminton, pool and belly dancing. keke..

I took the opportunity to thank Mr & Mrs Tharman, Roland Choo, SFH social workers and volunteers at Taman Jurong MPS besides my endocrinologist Dr Tan Hong Chang & DNE Eunice Liow.

What an experience! Roland gave us a lift home while he fetched his dad at Bukit Merah.

Stay tuned as I will be uploading some photos taken at HPB publim forum talk. Such coincidence, the photographer I knew him whom took photos for MP at Taman Jurong.

Depressed over vertigo, dizziness, nausea...

More than 3 weeks, been having vertigo, dizziness, nausea & seeing flashes of dots in which I ended up A&E few times requiring 'coconut juice'. Brushed aside gastritis. Vertigo itself already making me very depressed about it. The feeling of fatigue, over exhausted is TERRIBLE!! My ENT appointment is on 12 N0v which is next week. Argh!!

Won WII Nintendo, cold storage voucher & spice garden w/breakfast - "LEAD" Diabetes Competition

Surprised to find out it was my endocrinologist Dr Tan HC who called me up. I came in 1st in the "LEAD" Diabetes write-up competition & won myself WII Nintendo, cold storage voucher & spice garden with breakfast. Yeah!!

I was invited to HPB on 7th Nov 09 for prize presentation & invited to give public forum talk on how I managed diabetes but in mandarin. What a challenge when my mandarin is "private limited". Haha..I'll give it a go!

Dr Tan HC said:" Oh yes, because you wrote in English." hehehe

I do my best in translating what I've wrote to mandarin. Surely Jen can do it!

Terrible Migraine for days

ARGH!! Having trobbling migraines for days already, since then, vision saw some dots flashes of lights and slight diarhea. I could hear my neck cracking sound. I'm feeling very terrible that I want to end my life!! Hands icy cold again.

TJ Light Up Lantern Festival 11 Oct 09

Last night, my mother & myself went to participate in Taman Jurong Light Up Lantern Festival. Mrs Tharman was there too. Lion Dance show by Wenyang and Taman Jurong was fantastic, however the guy from Wenyang seems to be seriously injured when doing a somersault high up to ground level. Took photo with Mrs Tharman & was elated to see her there. We won 4th prize in the lucky draw - a rice & steam cooker.

Back to fluoxetine 20mg

Today waited quite long at clinic A to see Dr Lee. This time break record, 25 mins leh! I told Dr Lee my concerns about my recent increased weight of about 6kgs within 2 weeks & I just can't stop bingeing.

I binge when am over stressed, bored or stomach feeling empty. Dr Lee wrote 'love' letter to Dr Tan to refer me to LIFE centre for diet counselling & exercise prescription. Then don't know what Dr Lee mumbled about whether she will be/ won't be seeing me by then. kekeke

Dr Lee cited that I didn't eat enough and must have my 3 proper meals if not sure end up bingeing. Mentioned she even eat lotsa meat and fish, aiya, Dr Lee, no matter how much you eat, you also slim one leh. Said she 'jiat buay ba' if she were to take 1/2 or 1/4 bowl of rice.

Hmm..Dr Lee is director of LIFE centre, how come still require to highlight to Dr Tan to refer.

I asked whether can take a photo with Dr Lee, she smiles and turned down due to hospital policy. True or not? Later she said it's her own private decision not to take photo with patients, afraid ended up in facebook or somewhere and photo got edited. Duhz, me won't do such nonsense stuffs..anyway, respect her decision lor.

17 sep

17 sep, Dr Lee saw me. Before me, there's a student with her mother. Expected, her mother was being kicked outta consultation room. However mother & I saw how she treated the student so nicely and smile at her. Dr Lee came out, obviously, she saw my mother but pretended as if nothing.

The student's mother was very angry and that she doesn't want her daughter to be under Dr Lee at LIFE centre. The counter staff said eh, they don't know, told the mother to call on that day to change doctor.

When it was my turn to go in, Dr Lee was very black face & said in very fierce tone asking me what I want her to do? To take me off medications? hee..I nodded and later she prescribed me efexor xr and diazepam.

Later managedtomake Dr Lee laughed. hee

Wah! Taking efexor, I had extreme nausea, dizziness that mades me feel like collasping, headache and blur vision. I took myself off it for 2 days & I felt so much better. Aiyo, like that how to work.

Next appt with Dr Lee, wanting to be back on fluvoxetine better since much lesser side effects thou it can cause me to be very 'floaty' in the day.

Nothing but nightmares & dreams

Does efexor causes nightmares and dreams even early morning? Haiz, what kinda antidepressant. Causing me nausea, headache, extreme dizziness that makes me feel like collasping & blur vision. How to concentrate at work like that!

Laptop harddisk crashed on 29 sep

During afternoon, laptop kept on hanging even after continuous rebooting it. Brought to smc & the test confirmed my suspicious - harddisk crashed. Need to be 'hospitalised' for 3 days, earliest able to get back will be on thurs late afternoon.

Tues night, msged mgr citing laptop down, might as well take leave next day which was wed to settle some personal matters. Know what he replied? U need not stay away, you can still help out at OA for less complicated cases. I hacked care, all my requests coming from laptop, how to help OA side when it's even much more stressful than laptop.

Thurs back at office, seeing lotsa last day service prompters when most of it doesn't have earlier on prompters. Since am not in, be it on leave or medical leave, why no one to handle such urgent cases, must wait till I come back. Morning TY said to clear immediately those with last day & staff leaving, not saying posting not important. Hence, I replied same sentiments.

Whatever, same problems always sufacing again & again. Am really tired of all these.

Wed night, an indian man came knocking on our door asking for Elton whom is my younger brother not staying with us anymore. That indian man kept asking my mother lotsa questions & wanted her to sign. Nah, my mother not going to sign anything. you want, just take our lives. My younger brother didn't stay with us for so long & I didn't get to see him at all! What the hack he's doing outside. Don't bring your debts become my problem!

I had enough problems already and because of this, I broke down & was very agitated & extremely depressed. When taking efexor, wonder why I can be upset for nothing and twice so depressed when stressed out at work!

Depression: The Misunderstood Illness

Curiousity got me to lay hands on Dr Leslie book about depression. Wanting to get some answers from it but yet not fulfilled. Anti-depressent medications labelled with "poison" but may not totally take a person life, aint it? At most, detroy kidney/ liver or any other vital organs. How about if combine all kinds of medications, will it work?

I looked up to people who actually drank detergent took rats poison and even those who jump down from buildings. In fact, this week, before my appt with Dr Lee, at work, got the most horrifying auto suicide of jumping down from my workplace, just like when I had my very 1st suicide thoughts last yr nov.

Am tired of living already. Maybe someday, I might carry out. No one can say for sure.

Seizures, nightmare on thurs wee morning 4 a.m

17/9, thurs wee morning, 4 a.m. Woke up from nightmare and there's a voice calling out to me, followed by seizures and facial expressions too. I couldn't fall back to sleep again and I had to wake up at 8 a.m. as I had appt with Dr Lee Huei Yen at 10.30 a.m.

I was actually very afraid Dr Lee might ward me cause I've self-inflicted injuries to myself and having suicidal thoughts in which 4 of it auto came. Recently, at work, dont know why for no apparrent reason that I broke down and ended taking pm leave. 2 dued to stresses at work, tried pushing myself to do as much as I can.

Dr Lee printed out some personality disorder articles & asked whether do they apply to me and I don't agree totally. She said I can disagree but there's 2 aspects where she noticed of me. Citing must find the root of causes to cure me otherwise I keep having depression and suicide thoughts, not saying medications don't help but to a certain extend. No point keep changing medications. Dr Lee asked me what am I going to do when I've suicide thoughts & I replied don't know when questioned a few times. Then she asked me what's going on my mind now, I replied nothing.

After that, she said I good in internet search, can look up and research. Dr Lee seeing me in 3 wks time and must tell her about it.

Dr Lee wanted to put me back on fluvoxetine but I'm very floaty the next day, then she prescribed lexapro escitalopram 10mg which has lesser side effects than venlafaxine. To lift my insonmia, Dr Lee prescribed me Stilnox CR Zolpidem in which is optional.

Last night, took lexapro at 8.30 pm 1 hr after dinner, within 1/2 hr, I could feel myself being sedative. I tucked in bed early at 9.30 pm thou half awake while being sedative. Had a good night sleep and woke up at 6.30 a.m. on friday 18/9.

I'm still drowsy with headache, dry mouth and don't know why got diarrhea. Maybe the lexapro huh.

HELP! Am being sandwiched!

Recent visit to snr psychologist & GP, both advised me to be more assertive towards my mother and if she's unhappy, that's her problem. Pointing out that the fact am being too close to my mother, ended up to be co-dependance and that they're not sure when it started.

If mother is happy, I'm happy. However, if mother is unhappy, am unhappy. If there's conflict, I'll hurt deep down inside too. That explains why I have depression.

Like recent incidence, I bought G2000 tops for $26 each & 2 FILA polo tee for $19.90 each. Mother would keep asking me why I bought the FILA polo tee when it's not as class nor nice as G2000 tops. Citing even if am angry, she also wanted to point out no point buying FILA polo tee when it cost $19.90.

However, I voiced out my opinion that I like it. Not that I must wear so corporate wear to work daily as I like varieties. Over this conflict, it hurts me deeply and ended up self-inflicting harm myself, penetrating sharp fingernails on my arms to ease pain.

Depression recurrence?

For past 3 weeks, feeling very depressed and afraid it's recurrence of depression. It's very disabling that I couldn't concentrate at work. Thoughts of jumping off building and even slashing my wrist came haunting me which is torturing me. Struggling with inner self. Either couldn't fall asleep or woke up at night or been sleeping for ultra long hrs which ended don't feel like waking up at all. Even everynow and then, will cry also. Very headache and dizzy. Even thought of overdosing on few medications. -_-!!

Yesterday appt with Kevin, snr psychologist. He sounded angry also when he finds me very tense and that he won't start hypnotherapy. I just couldn't relax and even when I tried using the breathing technique, I got choked and uncomfortable. He encourages me to do so often. He even mentioned he's also very stressed out at LIFE ctr and he did exercises. I do exercises but still not able to feel that good. Sighz..

Though appt with Dr Lee is one month's time but seems very fast as it's just next week.

Raised my voice at my mother

This morning, when I was downstairs waiting for Jason, the cab driver to come, I realised I've forgotten to bring along my medications. Tried calling mother but her hp ain't on, hence, thinking it's alright to miss a day's dose only.

Not long after I boarded Jason's cab, mother called to tell me I forgot to bring my medication. Told her I'm already on the way to work then mother said, asked him to turn back lah! Feddup manz!! Just miss a day dosage, wont do much harm. I also raised my voice and said that I've tried calling her but hp not on yet.

Mother said she'll come down with my medications, I ask Jason to turn back. I felt bad ticking off my mother off but I just couldn't hold my anger.

I couldn't fall asleep last night and my whole body aching all over. Duhz...

Appointment with Kevin yesterday

Yesterday appointment with Kevin was brief, no rooms available and time is tight. Anxiety was on me and I can't stop poking myself with my fingernails. When Kevin called for me, he said I was very tense and that if I can't even relax, he won't do hypnotherapy on me. Told me to read up on it and I replied I've read all about it. Till I'm relax then he'll perform hypnotherapy, otherwise I won't be able to sink deep.

Suicide thoughts

For past few days, suicide thoughts been coming back. I felt extremely depressed, tired and headache. Most of the time, dizziness. Just now, I felt so confused and frustrated, I held my head. Later, headed to ladies and cried out and thought of jumping off a building or taking knife to cut my wrist for no apparent reason.

Upsetting

During friday lunch, received call from Sis Pat that the CDSMP workshop is postphoned & I called mother up whether wanna go Ngee Ann City to watch lion dance competition since weather is good. Performance ain't that exciting, could be due to it's traditional & not free-style.

Mother wanted to go on sat to catch the performance and I didn't really wanted to as I was very tired out and bodyaching. Woke up at 2.50 pm on sat. Reached home quite late on friday. Told mother, even if I accompany her, I will go shopping and she just watch the lion dance competition. She planned to set off at 6 p.m and later blamed me by saying: "If I've known earlier, my gal doesn't want to watch, I go there by myself earlier." What is mother trying to say manz! Told her beforehand already.

When we reached there, asked if she wanted to share sushi and she agreed too when she just wanted the curry puff only. After buying dinner, mother ticked me off for buying so much sushi - inside consists of 10. I got fed up also, I ate 5 sushi and went off for my shopping for sports apparels since the fair is on.

Got myself 2 FILA polo tees for $19.90 each and mother say why I paid so much for polo tee, asked me nice meh? Haiz! Am the one wearing, if I like it, I buy. Why bother me so much! Making me as if am still small little kid, need to listen to mummy's words. Always tell people am "big baby". when you're the ONE whose CONTROLLING ME! Mother popped questions on what occassion I wear the Fila polo tee, I replied saying anytime. At times, we just don't see eye to eye at all!

For past few weeks, having severe gastroenteritis and spent so much money on medical fees at GP clinic and very stressful at work. I'm extremely EXHAUSTED! Glipizide making me fat too & I've put on 5 kgs!!

It hurts me a lot! I cried myself to sleep but can't. I just poke deeply with my fingernails on my hands & thighs to ease the pain deep inside me. Feel like even taking my own life & leave this sad world.

Frustrations

Wed's late afternoon, I couldn't tolerate the extreme sharp abdominal pain on the upper left, asked for permission to see GP. Mgr asked me what happened? Told him of the pain and he said: "Ok." Reading GP's clinic around 4.50 pm plus and I waited few more patients before it's my turn. Doctor told me to lie down and she pressed to see if any pain and was told I had severe gastroentitis but need not have injection.

Msg-ed Jason who is my taxi driver that I won't be reporting for work the next day, on medical leave.

I woke up late in the morning on thurs, took my hp and saw missed Jason's 8 calls. Thought something very important, called Jason back, to find that his younger son had chicken pox! Asked if my mother remember what to eat and what not to. Advised him to bring his son to see Dr Sarani who will be at Jurong's clinic but he replied saying: "No need, as he brought his son to nearby private clinic." Up to him, whatever he deem fit.

I was very sleepy at 5.30 pm, went to bed and woke up at 8.45 pm thou I'veset alarm for 7.30 pm. Woke up feeling unwell. Had simple dinner and tucked in bed almost 1 a.m I couldn't fall asleep at all even when soft music was played. Hard to get up this morning.

From our kitchen's window, mother saw Jason's taxi downstairs and time wa 7.20 am! Right after mother notified me, received Jason's sms asking whether am ready, I replied: "Coming." 7.40 am reaching his cab, I apologised as I've overslept. Wonder if he made up the story or whatever, saying: "Just now got one auntie approached him, saying his car engine disturbed her sleep. Wanna complain." So he switched his engine off and said he's very angry. I asked him which auntie and whether she's from the 2nd storey. He said he had no idea, afraid complain then dunno how to earn living.

During journey to work, he mentioned about the call centre of prime, being suspended due to call from customers and then taxi drivers went to destination to discover customers not there and wasted time waiting and trhat waiting 10 mins could delay them from fetching other customers and their living. I was boiling deep down, you wana come much earlier, that's your own business and I didn't let you wait for me for so long like his other customers as to >30 mins!

He even cited that whenever he called, as if I purposely dun want to take his call. Come on manz! I was on medical leave yesterday, when I woke up realised 8 missed calls, I also called back, thought something very important! I don't work on weekends, my hp always on silent mode whenever am sleeping, when I've woke up, sure to ON my hp with ringtone. How to expect me to take your call on weekends when I've haven't wake up and hp on silent mode. Last time, you told my mother you don't wake up this early and no customers then now blame me. Don't give me this kinda shit excuses! You want just tell me wanna drive or not! YES or NO, simple as that!

Checking on office emails, saw mgr's email to snr mgr and team that I requested for earlier release to see doctor and another email saying I've sms-ed on 1 day mc due to severe gastric. Come on! Mgr leh, need to email snr mgr, in that case, if you're undecidable, I shall go to snr mgr better for me.

Am boiling, very frustrated, very angry. Like volcano erupting! Listening to symphony whenever am feeling these.

Cold weather

Weather been cold for days which prompted me to take a glass of white wine to warm myself up last night after taking 5 sticks of satays and dinner. Can't actually remembered whether I can take alcohol and I msged Eunice just now. hee...*haughty*

Mother woke up early this morning to whip up a meal for my lunch as I've been taking instant cup noodles for days and said not good for me. Had lunch earlier at 11.40 a.m since am feeling hungry but seems filling after taking halfway. Got fish, broccoli and portobello mushroom. Ate an organic small apple too. When I try napping, there's piercing left abdominal pain.

Cant get out of bed and sooooooooooo sleepy

This morning, pressed the alarm snooze for many times and I just couldn't find myself out of the bed and I feel just sooooooooooooooooo SLEEPY. I tucked in bed at 12.30 midnight and I managed to pull myself up nat 6.50 a.m.

Dressed up iny spaghetti top with shirt over it and my bell bottoms for work. Just nice as Jason, my taxi driver is downstairs. Yesterday I purposely disturbed him by sms-ing him "Am downstairs liao" since he always did that whenever he's downstairs much earlier. hee... Let him taste back his own medicine. He was surprised I was so early yesterday...haha

I had my breakfast right in front of laptop and my eyes are so droppy. Putting eyedrops helps a bit but still my head kept nodding "yes, I understand." Woo...I stood up, walked to pantry, ladies and boiled some hot water. Don't feel like having my lunch later on but just wanna catch some prescious nap moment. hee...

Yesterday lunch, went out to have single swiss burger with fries without salt and hot milo. Intended to have mcdonalds double filet o fish wasabi but abolished the idea. Bought a mcflurry cornetto thou after getting my bathroom necessities.

Mother always nagging me to eat more rice, meats and veges but I just feel full already. Whenever I snacked on seaweed, mother would say horse must eat grass. Precisely, I love seaweed a lot. Knowing macadamia and walnuts are fattening, I switch to seaweed.

Just now, I even had 3 pieces of munchy chocolates flavour biscuits and one 60 calories Hersey chocolate stick. Oh no...

Am EXTREMELY TIRED OUT!! Coughing persisting.

Fri morning

Fri morning, symptoms persisting, went to see GP since she wasn't here last evening at jurong. No strength, symtoms persist, felt extremely weak. Prescribed Dexametrophan 30mg-cough, Domperidone 10mg-gas & Loratadine 10mg-nose allergy. Advised to take omeprazole twice a day since gastric severe. Was given one day mc to rest.

Wonder why I have those "unwanted" thought when took metformin. Felt so terrible in thurs, struggling throughout the day. My mood is extremely low for the next few days.

Metformin 250mg 2x daily

After breakfast, took 1 metformin 250mg. Around 11 am plus, I could feel light-headedness, migraine, icy cold hands. I could not concentrate what am doing. OMG!

I've just have to keep track, what to do. Later in afternoon, cant tolerate. Gastric too painful, unexplained extreme tiredness, nausea, light headedness, icy cold hands. Msged Eunice and tried calling her, guess she's on leave today. Paged for Dr Tan, informing him my symptoms which are similar to previous experience. He said it's unusual but consider to continue for another day, if can't tolerate, to call him up again tommorrow and he'll prescribed me back the glipizide (which will make me fat.) He sounded unhappy over the phone. Just like a needle don't have two heads.

I've faxed over my readings and comments to Eunice for her information since advised by her yesterday to keep her updated of any symptoms.

After work, going to see GP. GP also had a patient whom also experienced similar symptoms as I do.

Yesterday happenings

During yesterday appointment, doctor told me he will changed my medication to metformin 250mg instead to be taken twice per day and see how it goes. To aid me in reducing weight since glipizide is 2.5 mg om and it's making me fat.

Waited for nutritionist, Cherry saw me. Wonder if she's from HK, the way her cantonese sounds. I dun like her, whatever she told me differs from other nutritionist whom counselled me. I woke p very early in the morning and almost 11 am plus, getting on my nerves! Saying diabetic jam can put more whereas others say try not to take it often. She dun give me the confidence I should have in her. Her cold soft beverage was on her table even. Atlas, the way she asked me, "you understand or not?" pissed me off very much!

When the session over, she asked my mother what had she done which provoked me. Duhz!

No one understands

When I posted similar posting at my facebook, my overseas friend wrote:
I had 4 fresh kiwifruit in a smoothie and within 12 hours detox stuff came out! I donno why you are on a restricted fruit diet, it is very very obvious to me that your body seems to be highly toxified and needs fresh whole foods - esp fruits and veggies.Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ... Read MoreIf all those experts cant help you you gotta start getting more knowledge and helping yourself, girlfriend!Step by step, whatever you learn becomes yours, no one in the world knows you better than you, or can take care of you better than you, cos no one CAN know you better than you. You owe it to yourself to become your best and your body is feedingback that something needs to change.

How much do they really understand about diabetes, diabetic retinopathy and nutrition. Shared with them, even under normal cicumstances, one should take only 2 servings of fruits per day and not exceeding. Argon laser is just to stabilise my condition and not correcting my vision!!

Whenever I showed mgr the medical certificate from SNEC, mgr will keep asking back the same old questions again:

What is the laser for?
How long need to laser?
Can your eyes take it or not?
How you feel?

I got so feddup that I feel like giving 2 panda eyes!!

Oh no, not again!

Last thurs evening, 20th Aug, went to see GP. Feeling very nausea, dizzy, cough, bodyache, migraine and diarrhea. GP gave me a specimen bottle to collect stool specimen if it's still black and head to A&E straight away. Under normal circumstances, couldn't be black unless taking iron supplement.

Around 11pm, diarrhea again and it's black. Collected specimen & mother brought me to SGH A&E. Doctor said need not go for stool lab test but took my blood instead. Advised me to rest at home and prescribed me some medication, telling me it's virus gastronomy (GP told me this too.).

Luckily, there's 2 cabs at blk 4 outside 24 hrs Cheers, reached home at 2 a.m. and smsed mgr about on medical leave on friday, 21 Aug. Afraid I couldn't wake up early to call or sms him.

On 21 Aug, fri, received sms from mgr at 5.05 pm asking me what's happen.

Over the weekends, I was staying at home resting. So weak, unable to sleep well, kept on having dreams, tossing in bed, migrain, nausea and dizziness. Enough of these!!

Back to work today, only to read mgr's email timed 12.30 pm asking me wonder why I didn't report for work. Don't tell me, whole of friday morning and afternoon, he didn't on his handphone?

Ended up having instant noodles and wheat cracker

Really dunno what to eat, ended having instant noodles & 1 wheat cracker for lunch and took a nap. This morning, waited for Jiahui to do UAT but later she was at console calling our team up to meet her downstairs. When we reached there, she left us to do by ourselves saying that she showed my colleagues how to do it on the day when I was on medical leave - tues. We waited for half an hr, no news of her, we decided to go back to our office to work on requests. Am so tired.

3 pm plus in the afternoon, ate 3 pieces of munchy cheese biscuits, apple pear fruit, milo with oatmeal and 1 diabetes blueberry sweet. Now yearning to have some chocolates. Neck uncomfortable.

Called mother up to learn that there's a big lump on the front of her neck. She wanted to tell me last night but slipped her mind. Worried for mother thou there's no pain when she pressed on it.
Dunno why there's blood when my last period day ended just previous week. Am very frustrated right now...procrastinating...

Argh...am whacking on mini chocos and 3 cappucino mini biscuits, quaker cereals and big sheet seaweed. Terrible!!

-_-!!

40 mins physiotherapy last night

Yesterday night, started on my physio regimen at 8.40 p.m which lasted 40 mins. OMG! Seems like muscle no strength, cause I could feel my leg shaking when the 2.5 lbs weight on my ankle. Almost did the whole set of it. After that, feel refresh though am tired out.

Had, 3 pieces of munchy choco biscuits, 4 slices of roasted seaweed, 5 macademia nuts, 10 bites of popcorn & 1 piece of praline. Oh dear... Am getting fatter each day. Very upset about it.

While am on it, ringing sound in my ear again, very disturbing. Battery died down & I couldn't play music. Difficulty falling asleep though I tried deep breathing.

GF's new shop

This morning, learnt that gf opened another shop yesterday but this time it's 'fashion harbour' at midpoint orchard. Wow! how I envy her. Few months back, she had another jewel shop opened at suntec.

Wish I had a head for business too besides having the capital means to do it. If there's opportunity, would like to have my own food business too.

Happy for her.

Getting nausea and diarrhea

Tues at work, I couldn't stand anymore, the nausea & diarrhea making me sick. Told mgr will be seeing panel doctor & asked which clinic am going. Replied him it's the usual GP am going to.

Diagnosed with virus gastronomy & URTI. Recently, lotsa people having similar symptoms as I do.

Given medical leave for tuesday. Rest at home.

Over the weekends

Woke up at 9 am on sat morning, went to ladies and get onto bed again. Later to find myself waking up in the afternoon. I was very sleepy, dizzy, having dry mouth and ringing sound & pressure on my right ear. Dreams came again...Oh dear.

Dinnertime, mother wanted me to finish up the fish chicken & vegetables, saying I need more nutritious food. I'm already very full.

Woke up even later on sun's afternoon. Wonder what to do, it was raining and there's nothing much tv programmes to watch either. Intended to go Sheng Shiong for window shopping but there's heavy downpour. Dampen my mood even further. Nausea and diarrhea in addition bodyaching and dizziness. Aww... I hate this kinda feeling.

Fri appt at SNEC

Last fri 14th Aug 09, was at SNEC, appt with Dr Bobby. While waiting for my turn at the laser centre, I was very anxious but it wasn't my 1st time having laser done. I used the breathing technique which Kevin taught me but it didn't help. Thoughts are racing in my mind.

No appetite and grouchy

This morning, woke up at 7 a.m feeling very grouchy and wanting to have more sleep. Feeling very headache & giddy too besides the sharp pressured ringing sound on my right ear.

Called up central appointment this morning and was told there's no earlier date available. Hmm..forget about it then. Anyway, tomorrow going to SNEC for eye laser and inform Dr Bobby about my tinnitus too.

Am like procrastinating today, very sleepy and not much appetite. Going to make instant porridge instead and take a nap. Hopefully, to wake up fresh later on.

Companion for lunch

As I was approaching canteen, saw Dolly and waved to her "Hi". Dolly said she'll joining me for lunch. I ordered char siew wanton kway teow soup $2 and she had western food - brunch set.

Initially, Dolly wanted me to join her and her friend at the table near the canteen entrance but I just don't want to. Those bowl collector aunties and uncles kept laughing out loud and said I looked like one of the actress. I was wearing my cap and jacket. I hate those gossiping thou am not biased against their job. The way they laughed really pissed me off! I just wanna have my lunch peacefully.

Dolly talked to me lotsa things and even quote incident to caution me of people around me. She was afraid I lunch alone but it's really fine with me. I dislike crowds and talking over the meals. Dolly even said I lost a lot of weight compared to last time. Hmm...but I gained a lot of weight.

Hurting ownself?

On sunday night, couldn't sleep well. Sub-consciously, I could feel that I was pulling my hair hard, screaming out loud, tossing in bed and poked myself with my fingernail on thigh. The next day, I was very dizzy & headache.

Visit to Apex Harmony Lodge on Sat

Managed to get Jason whom is my cab driver to work to drive us to Apex Harmony Lodge as it is a long journey from home. Dad couldn't recognise me as I was wearing mask. Took out my mask when we're sitted at the lounge near dad's ward.

Elated to see dad though he slimmed down a lot. Bought him his favourite food and seeing him enjoying it. When it's time to leave, I was too emotioned & broke down hugging daddy, telling him how much I missed him.

Jason waiting outside already, while inside, my tears rolled down once again. No appetite to eat anything after that.

What to eat for lunch?

No idea what to have for lunch today. Went to have vegetarian meal take-away and dine in front of laptop. Don't feel like eating and filling already. Just ate a bit and took a nap. Am so sleepy and dizzy today. Heavy menstrual and cramps. Sighz..

Agitatated and broke down

End of Jul and early Aug, felt very agitated and broke down few times already. I missed my daddy who is in Apex Harmony Lodge, planned to visit him tmr since there's holiday and I can rest on sun and mon too.

At times, feel very disheartened. As if wasting time and money to go for all treatment and how long it gonna take me to recover? I hate feeling lethargic all the time and seeing GP most of the time for common ailments. I'm fortunate to have DNE Eunice who gives me emotional support. Appreciate her help in one way or another.

DNE Eunice told me that am a good role model for other diabetes patients. Oh my! haha...ok. I monitor my own blood glucose & blood pressure and most important, I exercise and eat wisely. Cut away sweet stuffs but of course, at times, unable to resist carbo craves like chocolates and sweets suitable for diabetes. I love Ben & Jerry ice cream too.

Wondering when is my rainbow coming out or sun shining to let the flower blooms once again?

What's for lunch?

Wanting to lose more weight, I try taking just instant cup noodles & a small packet of instant oatmeal porridge which are enough to fill me up for lunch. Like breakfast, had 'peng kueh'. After that, had some mini chocolates already which is fatty!

Weighty issue

Lately been putting on lotsa weight, am so scared! Luckily, lose a kg yesterday. I wanna keep on slimming down so to able to wear size 32 pants!! That's my GOAL!! Am trying to take instant noodles for lunch at work and instant oatmeal porridge for afternoon tea-break. Hope this helps me in slimming down.

Dancing queen

Can I be back on dance floor - dancing queen? The last time I was at DBLO, I was only 21 yrs old! Wow! More than 10 yrs since last went to disco. Btwn, 2006 & early 2007, I was at belly dance class at CC. Hmm..time flies.

I can't drink alcohol. I missed my Arbor Mist Merlot, red/white wines & whisky. Ladies night is when I used to enjoy with my gfs.

Once in track & field

Remembering the days when I was in track & field events at Yuhua Sec Sch.Clinched myself trophies in Javelin & Shot Putt in 2nd & 3rd place. Victory I felt & proud of myself.

Now that am always tired, I tried out many a times. Playing street basketball for hours, just to prove myself that am still good at sports but what I get is disappointment. I was totally whacked out with not much energy left.

Am useless!!

On monday, 13th june, Saras called for an ambulance & they insisted sending me to Alex Hosp but I don't want. I rather go SGH. Alex so dear & later I'm the one going thru all the 'torturing' of being asked so many questions.

SGH A&E Dr Mark head snr consultant asked me why I didn't go A&E on sunday night since there's chest pain. I replied saying, wait doctors said I psychological thinking or panic attack, why should I come in. Death I fear not, as I've told Dolly who was with me as she clearing secuity for cab to come in to tower A. Dolly felt my hands icy cold and my body too.

Yesterday appt with doctor

Yesterday, appt with Dr Lee. Asked what's my goal, there's no right or wrong answer. Sighz...goals..I've lotsa things to yet to fulfil.

Being a pianist since my secondary sch days was dashed when mother forbids me to go to my music teacher house where she'll groom me & send me to UK music sch. Ms Tan told me I've talent for it since without any proper guidance, I could play piano with feelings in which she never come across in her students before.

Wanna my mother to be in the session, I wanna but afraid mother's feelings might be hurt. Since she's the youngest in her family, she was never loved by even her own biological mother. Grandmother wanna gave her away because she's ugly due to her dark complexion. Mother had a god-mother who was a prostitute who liked mother as she has good behaviour & intelligent. Of all her siblings, only Uncle Jim (Augustine 4th uncle) dotes on mother when she's was young. Hence, I could understand that mother put all her love on me. At times, it could hurt me cause I felt no freedom and everything mother also wanna knows and tells me to do this and that. I tolerated it but I knew my temper, it just a matter of time, I might blow off my top at her anytime but I just couldn't control. I felt sad & angry at myself.

Now that mother has only me only, when dad is at Apex Harmony Lodge. Dad thinned & without tummy now, told mummy that he wanna come home to have a look. We didn't have transportation, thats the problem. I missed dad so much.

Younger brother moved out of house long time. Always got letters for him from law firms and telco, all in red. Haiz, dunno what's he is doing outside. Attitude, played truant during his sec sch days but he passed with flying colours to get himself to pre-U but he don't want. The latter then blamed mother because we're so poor, can't send him to sch and he didn't asked to be born. We were angry as we told him to further his studies but he choose not to at the point of time and he could work part-time while studying in pre-U.

Few years back, when he was still staying with us before he moved out. Hit me in many occassions and even threatened to burn the house over the buns I bought for daddy for his breakfast the next day. Dad was already suffering from parksinson & alzhemier. Why I had such a younger brother. When he moved out, we had peaceful days for years till recently, kept mentioning to mother that he wanna move back! Even the 'legal loan sharks' came knocking on our door looking for my younger brother. At one time, I happened to go out to get something, told the guy to go look for him himself & not to bother us, we don't even know where his whereabouts & the loan he owned, go look for him, we won't pay for him as we had no money.

I will take care of mother, mother is really pitiful & I don't wish to hurt her anymore. She had long term depression and didn't see any doctor for it on medication. At MPS, there's Dr Andre & own GP Dr Omar & Dr Loh also said mother had depression. Mother wana me to get well 1st before she see a doctor for it. Afraid, anything both of us in hospital.

I won't move out of house, the remaining amount, I'm using my CPF to pay with aid from MPS to HDB. I love mummy but with my current medical condition, she's hurt deeply already.

Recently, vision gettign blurry. Why? My diabetic retinopathy, seeing Dr Bobby Cheng & Profession JF Cullen at SNEC. At SGH, seeing many doctors. Diabetic ctr, Dr Tan HC, podiatrist, nutritionist, Dr Lee HY psychiatrist, Kevin Beck snr psychologist, snr physiotherapist.

Of late,numbness in hands & legs, whole body so icy cold. The feeling of bones cracking, aching all over. Am not sickly but with all these conditions, made me until so sickly!! I HATE THIS! Seeing GP so often monthly exhausting my miserable salary.

I wanna go disco but can I drink whisky? Transportation how? Cab very dear with 50% surcharge over midnight.

Put on weight!!

HELP!! I've put on a lot of weight these few days after whipping up some nice simple dishes. Cooked grilled beef spaghetti in sesame sauce topped with bonito flakes & roasted seaweed. Since it's gonna to have heavy downpour anytime at night.

Appointment

Yesterday, almost whole day spent at SGH. Early morning, went to see Florence on msw matters and followed by my appt with Dr Lee. Learnt from counter staff she's on medical leave after much prompting. Dr Soo saw me and he's MO.

Since left with no choice as having side effects on medication. Dr Soo told me to take 75mg fluvoxamine 1st & to inform Dr Lee the next appt. Was thinking to share with Dr Lee lotsa stuffs but she's not in. Hmm...

My cough was very bad and was told to stay off ice-cream. Eh..my favourite leh. Recently, craving for carbos especially chocolates and diabetes tibits. How? Ask to be given appetite suppresent medication but was told not now at the moment. I wanted to go for hypnotherapy and Dr Soo said to let Dr Lee decide when she's back. How? I put on a lot of weight!!

SCREAM...

$$$

Money money money, nothing but what I need most is money. Spent mostly on transport and medical with current medical condition I am in. Hoping for reasonable bonus or increment. Better than nothing thou.

How to make more money via IT?

Cold and famish

It's pretty cold & famish now at this timing. Had instant oatmeal porridge but still feel hunger pang. Making instant seafood noodles now. hehe

Head throbbing again, must be migraine. Oh no..NOT AGAIN!

Head jerking involuntary for past one week while sleeping

For the past one week, head been jerking involuntary after medication of fluvoxamine increased to 100mg.

I sms-ed Eunice, my allied nurse & she called me up to let Dr Lee know. Hmm..wonder to call or not. Maybe need to decrease medication? Eunice told me she don't want me to be "heroine" by playing street basketball for so many hours. She rather my sugar reading high than to exhaust myself. hee... :p

Am still pondering whether to call Dr Lee or not.

What a day at arcarde

Yesterday, went to Jurong Point arcarde. Looking at uncles & aunties playing the sweetland big machine and there's this old couple, white haired. China gal passed some sweets to the old man. I played 1 hr on car racing - midnight wangan. Got myself Nissan GT-R black.

Later, try hands on the street basketball at Star Factory but their ball soft soft and got hit back by the balls hard at my face as there's barrier on top! Played Time Crisis 4 for a while & went over to Zone X.

Didn't realised that my card tapped for many times & I played for 4 hrs! My goodness! Then there's this gal who wanna play & I let her play while I took a break in between. Am shacked! Luckily had 2 brown rice sticks before it, otherwise I would have really fainted. I could feel fainting spells, hunger and dizziness.

Ain't doing "homework"

Ain't doing my "homework" anymore. It's straining my eyes to write at night as light is dim & my eyes are having problems too. Of late, seeing things blurry. I've no internet at home too.

Wassup

Out to Tiong Bahru Plaza for lunch, had nasi lemak set priced $4-80. Consists of one big bowl of green nasi lemak rice, ikan bilis and peanuts, otak, chicken cutlet and not forgetting the irresistable chilli!

Went to buy apple, QUAKER rolled oats which is now on promotional price $4.90, beef sausages, less sugar kaya and ALIVE yoghurt. Very heavy that I felt lethargic.

Very sinful food I had for lunch today. Tonight must exercise more.

Soft toys won at Star Factory

So bored...

yesterday didn't go as planned, to go temple for praying. Sky was extremely dark, as if going to have heavy downpour but it didn't. At home, feeling so bored and tired, don't feel like doing anything except sleep again.

Woke up around 2 plus in the afternoon to have fettucine for lunch. Had plain dosai and pratas for dinner as there wasn't much choice.

Evening time, mother suggested me going to Jurong Point and my eyes light up but to learn mother was pulling my leg, thinking I didn't take it for real. I changed quickly and went JP shopping.

Got myself 2 straight wrinkle-resistant pants, 2 clothings, japanese ice-creams and cream puffs. Reached home before 10p.m. However, unable to sleep at night. Kept tossing around in my bed. Had a bad dream.

Restricting what I eat

I always try restricting the amount I eat at meals & mother would say I ate too little but I insisted it's the 'official portion' the nutritionist told me. If I felt that I ate a little more, feel so bloated & wanting to purge out.

At work, I can eat as little as I can without mother's intervention. hehe... half bowl of plain rice with steamed chicken & vegetables & fruit. I can choose to have instant oatmeal porridge. Most of the time, I felt fatigue & sleepy.

Eat a little and left more time for napping. keke... that's the way I am. I can do anything I like without anyone's knowledge.

How to slim down

Just sharing tips on how to slim down, it's open to anyone with other methods.

1. Avoid soft drinks like cola-cola, plum drink and sugary stuffs drinks.
2. Avoid food items ending with -ose.
3. Have more fibre foods and vegetables.
4. Avoid deep fried food, opt for grill instead if you're unable to resist western food.
5. Exercise at least 30 mins to 1 hour daily, if not, thrice a week.
6. Drink plently of water.
7. Limit your portion of food, especially carbohydrates.
8. If you're hungry, try not to snack. Drink plenty of water to make you feel full.

As if am being drugged?

Friday, I had physiotherapy at SGH, went back to office. Upon reaching office, felt body unwell but unable to describe the feeling. I can't withstand anymore, however, I've waited till 5p.m. to knock off.

Once at home, I took off my shoes, put down my bags and went to bed straight away. Telling mother am too tired and no appetite to eat at all. Woke up at around 8p.m., had a little porridge and went back to sleep again.

Mother woke me up at 11.0o a.m. on a Saturday morning, feeling very unwell, dizzy and nausea. This kinda feeling of wanting to vomit but unable to, it's TERRIBLE! Mother asked if I wanted to see my god-sis doctor but to find out she's away. Mother got me some chinese tablets from medical hall opposite where we reside. Most probably, caught chills.

Woke up only to take some food and went back to sleep. It was same the next day. Got mother worried sick. Felt like as if am drugged, keep on feeling so sleepy and can sleep for hours, only to wake up when feeling a bit hunger.

Sunday night, couldn't fell asleep till late in the wee hours. Now that am feeling groughy. Aww...tonight, going over to Blk 184 for some assistance.

Fated to meet again

Yesterday, while waiting for my turn to see doctor at clinic A, guess whom I saw? Mun MY, my god-mother whom worked at SAFCA. Been years since last saw her when I was still working at previous cataloguing department. At one point of time, God-mother back at SAFCA for less than a week after she resigned. She wasn't her usual self thou. She was accompanied by her hubby.

I was curious,hence, I approached her asking whether she's ah Mun and her hubby recognised me at 1st look but not god-mother. Her hubby whispered to her ears then she remembered who I am. She said I've lost a lot of weight and looked so much prettier. hehe.. happened I was stylish with my music tie that goes along with my long sleeve corporate look shirt. Her doctor was Dr Chan. I got her contact 1st.

Will Xanax make me fat?

Since last thurs, Dr god-sis prescribed me Xanax for my anxiety and to aid me sleep better at night, find that been like easily famish and crave for carbos. Oh my goodness! I control and control, as I do not wish my efforts done to drain after I've lost 16kgs!

The medication left few more nights only. Now that my mother also try to follow my style, take slightly less than 3/4 bowl of rice, after meal, walk at least 15 mins, best 30 mins. But mother would never exercise one. Hehe...

Yesterday, wed morning, so sick I couldn't get out of my bed. Mother was worried sick. Wanted to bring me see chinese physician but don't know which one good. I decided to see Bao Zhong Tang at SGH. Dr Yang, snr physician saw me and prescribed a weeks medication which need to be brewed and take twice per day. Saying my constitution is weak, after this week dose, need to go back to prescribed me to 'tiao yang' my health. The fees in total is SHOCKING!! What to do, as I can't always easily fall sick, which am sick of this already. I can feel blood circulation and mood better also.

This morning visit

to Clinic A was disappointing. Reached there at 10.40 a.m. and waited till 12 noon for my turn. Went in to find that it's not Dr Lee but it's Dr Sandy. You know what? I just don't feel like talking at all but forced myself to say a little.

Waited for today appointment, lotsa things to talk to Dr Lee. About work and my morning taxi driver Jason, who kept mentioning about his wife and maid affairs. Halfway thru, Dr Lee appeared telling Dr Sandy can go since she's here. Thought Dr Sandy would go off but she didn't. Upon reaching office, took a look at the medication, eh... how come fluvoxamine take 2 in the morning? All along been taking at night. Is it typo error?

Tues morning, feeling very bored and giddy, Took half day leave then to realise that there's roof-top works at my block, how am I going to have a good afternoon nap. Hence, went to JP to have the teppayanki chicken set with garlic rice. I was urshered to the table where I can see chef's culinary skills. Oh...he's cool, dashing with his superb culinary skills. I was fascinated by the way he cook the pudding too! I was fortunate in a way he was the one who cooked my meal.

He walked round and looked at me the way I savoured the irresistable garlic rice and chicken cubes on the toast bread with lotsa bean sprouts. I told him "OISHI NE!" with thumbs up and he was very elated and thanked me many times with nice bow. His voice doesn't seem to be local.

After lunch, proceed to Star Factory to catch Walt Disney limited edition mini soft toys. Oh dear, all mini monthly mouse all caught except one and only silver mini minnie mouse left which I had it. I caught stitch with clothed in japanese style with sushi and pasta. Kawaii ne! Caught extra set of 4 and 3 extras, had giraffee, whale and a cute special pooh bear in yellow! The china gal said I was so lucky. keke...

Suitable for diabetes

1. Gardenia Nutri Multi-Grain Low GI - 2 slices.

2. RYiKRISP Sesame Crackers.

3. QUAKER Weetbix - 2 pieces dipped in cold low fat milk.

4. F&N ALIVE - Bixies Crunch Whole Grain.

5. Carman's Apricot & Almond Muesli Bars.

6. QUAKER Quick 'N Hearty Instant Oatmeal Porridge. (take on rainy days when no food available.)

7. QUAKER Mini Delights 90 Calorie packs - Cinnamon Streusel.

8. Country Gold Anzac Biscuits. 1-2 pieces.

9. Pei Tian 168 - Seaweed/ 12 grain brown rice (other flavours available.)

10. Ben & Jerry Ice Cream (tested blood sugar not spike, at good range reading.)

For sweet tooth people like me but also diabetic, fear not. Got chocolates and sweets with labelled "suitable for diabetes". Available in hospital and polyclinic pharmacies.

1. SCHNEEKOPPE prodieta - Cappuccino

2. Frankonia - Rum Truffle.

3. GOLIGHTLY Sugar Free Reduced Calorie
- Assorted Toffees
- Creme Doublers Blueberry & Creme Chews
- Chocolate Mint Candy
- Coffee Candy
- Assorted Candy (fruits)
- Assorted Coffee Hard Candy
- Butterscotch Candy

4. SWEET 'N LOW Sugar Free Brand
- Peppermint Hard Candy

Last but not least, even though suitable for diabetes, please take in moderation. Thank you. The above is for sharing purpose only.

Fatigue and lethargic

Fatigue and lethargic is all I feel daily. When will these go away? Unwillingly I woke up this morning and go to work. Very boring...

Nothing I do have pleasure. Doing research, helping other diabetic patients on what can eat and what cannot eat.

Am currently reading "What Your Doctor Doesn't Know About Nutritional Medicine May Be Killing You". You know what's oxidative stress? Not even myself know till I read it in this book. Even excessive exercise will cause oxidative stress which is harmful to one's body. Whatever you do or eat, must be in moderation.

Walt Disney Collectibles

Yesterday learnt that those soft toys I've caught are limited edition and that once all caught, they won't be any more stock replenished. Wow! I caught the stitch wedding couple, giraffes and 26 mickey & minnie mouse and 1 special bonus micey minnie.

10th Jun 09

During thurs afternoon, I asked snr mgr whether have she tried contacting my psychiatrist & snr psychologist up. Her reply was that she's too busy to call them up and that she tasked HR to do so as they're more professional.

In the 1st place, when I agreed, it's because I trusted you snr mgr that you called personally and that she had intention to go with me to ask from Dr Lee about my condition during my next appointment.

I was extremely STRESSED out as it's HR who will be calling. What they ever wanted is the medical record which was mentioned to me umpteen times for it. Brushing off with the reason that they wanted to help me in my recovery.

I tried contacting Nana from psychiatry department, Dr Lee's secretary but happened to be on medical leave. It was Yuanna who took the call and I asked whether it's kept confidential. She assured me that it is unless, with my written consention.

Already when I was warded last year, 26th Nov 08. Different versions, from mouth to mouth, whole company know about my condition already which upsets me a lot! With that, causes misunderstanding and mis-communication too that at times, mgr taken it too personally against me.

I can't stop people from spreading in which I mentioned to Deputy Director that my ex-xolleagues also saw me at lift lobby and canteen. The way I walk (jerky and extremely slow) with no facial expressions (sad - depressed).

Then I was molested by a guy, whom around in his 40s - 50s near the escalator at level one. His right hand touching my right side of breast and left hand on my left arm. I turned around, seeing his smirky smiling face. He apologised twice while his hands didn't moved away still. After that, he walked away heading towards the gents and I took a clear look at him. Green shirt, dark blue pants with greasy hair.

I went to have some porridge as I was diabetic, couldn't miss meal times. I broke down and no appetite at all. I approached the customer service lady and crying non-stop. Sms-ed my colleagues and bosses. She called security guards and advised her to contact police. They took down my statement and I even demostrated how the guy molested me.

Back to office to pack my stuffs, Saras asked whether I needed companion, I wanted but unsure whether mgr approved. Even male Executive Thee Yeong also mentioned to have someone accompany me but mgr didn't even say so.

Was told to go to HQ cantoment police to make police report. No female policewoman around, except the muslim police guy who took down my statement and told me to demostrate how the guy molested me THRICE!

Am already traumatised by the incidence already. Reminded me of my past when I was molested by a woman much older than I am when I was 17 years old. Why all these happened to me?

I know it's not my fault but it really takes time to heal. Said is easier than done. How to forget totally?

Panic Disorder and Anxiety

Thurs evening, 11th Jun, went to see GP who is my god-sister. She told me I've mild panic disorder and anxiety, hence, Xanax was prescribed to me along with Gingko Biloba 40mg for my blood circulation.

I had similar attack when I was at SGH on 4th Jun, while waiting for my turn, suddenly, I was gasping for breathe, very dizzy and feel like vomiting too. As if am dying, feel like giving up. Mother was with me, told me, even if I don't think of her, also must think of Mdm Jane and Dr Sarani who dotes on me too. Afterwhich, felt relaxed a bit and I remained calm when Dr Lee pressed my queue number to see me. Still having breathing difficulty. When Dr Lee saw my mother pushing me in wheelchair (too dizzy & no strength to walk on my own), her face turned black & raised her voice telling my mother to go out.

Inside the room, Dr Lee in her raising tone said:"Unwell, go see your GP. Why still come?" I told her I saw GP last evening already and that when I reached SGH, was still ok. After that, she toned down.

GP suspected pneumonia. Frequently temp ok but feverish whole body with cold and cough (allergy) along with difficulty breathing. Advised me to inform any SGH doctors during next appointment to have detailed check-up.

Since during the past 2 weeks, having suicidal thoughts, Dr Lee asked me whether I wanted to take a few days rest but SGH psychiatry ward 46A is fulled and will have to refer me to IMH. I queried her:"Do I need to be warded?" She replied saying:"Well, I don't know. You decide."

I told her I don't want then she asked me why. I insisted on not going to IMH. Dr Lee questioned me, how I want them to help me. But I've no idea as I'm unable to think of anything at that moment, mind was blank. She told me she increased my medication fluvoxamine to 100mg and monitor my progress on 18th Jun 09.

Next day, my left ear posing problem, very painful. Visited god-sister and was told no infection. I shared my resume and blogs with god-sister and told her about having re-edit for more than 2o times for my resume. That, god-sister told me to stop doing that, as it's OCD.

Given Ivy leaf extract for cough and medication for nose. Ear still very irrritated. Was lucky to get a bottle of ear drop from chinese medical hall when the uncle wanted to close shop for the day as it was Sunday. My left ear felt better now thou still pain is still existing.

10/6/09 Wed

I woke up earlier this morning too but was too tired to get up from my bed. I was on my bed till 6.45 a.m. Had a wash, combed my hair. Heard my handphone vibrating but I couldn't care as I knew it must be Jason calling me. I hate when people rush me or call me up just for small matters.

As I opened the car door, I saw little Bryan inside. Jason told me he called me to tell me that he needed to send his younger son to school before driving me to my workplace. Weel, it's alright for me, not a problem. He told his son to apologise and little Bryan did. Because he caused everyone to be late, well, Jason..you need not do that on purpose. Alway very inpatient of Jason of not able to wait for me when he supposed to fetched me at 7.30 a.m. I don't care if you reached much earlier. I've waited for Jason a number of times too. Duhz...

My neck still in pain along with stiff shoulders which got injured badly years back when I tried carrying ultra heavy sling bag containing brochures and stuffs gotten at asian aerospace. Ouch! It hurts.

Shortness of breath again. I don't fear death at all but it's the suffering! Why suffer and spent so much money on curing when money not enough. GP told me I had panic attack and anxiety too.

9/6/09 Tues

This morning, I woke up early than my alarm which always ring at 6 a.m. A dream which is unusual. I was with my daddy in a shopping mall, full of escalators heading to lotsa directions. I was looking around when the soft toys at the upper level caught my attention. I called out to my daddy, daddy:”The soft toys are so cute! I wanna get them.”

Daddy ran behind after me, while we’re reaching to the soft toys shop, there were many soft toys all over the place! It was such a wonderful scenery which I’ve never seen in my life!

There, I reached to the enormous soft toys – Chipmunks Chip & Dale. They’re too cute to resist! I wanna get it so daddy said, just buy it. No! Not yet, I wanna enquired about the pricing first thou I saw the price stated “Big soft toys $17”. I asked the auntie and she told me it cost >$70++ for one chipmunk! I pointed to the pricing, auntie shifted it and it shows “Big soft toys letters $17”. Aww..what a disappointment as it was too dear.

From this dream, I woke up. Feeling very headache and unwilling to wake up for work. What a terrible headache I had and my neck was aching too along with stiff shoulders. I couldn’t sleep well at night and yet night time seems very short and so fast, it was daytime.

Inside the cab, Jason kept telling me about his wife whom had divorced him this yr Jan 13th. That his ex-wife but he still mentioned as his wife thou, kept telling his 2 sons that their daddy – Jason is having affair with the new phillipino maid who was few yrs his senior. Which was to a certain extent was true. He asked me whether to take the maid as his wife as he’s too stress and needed a partner.

What could I advise when I haven’t been in a relationship before except, do think thrice because of your sons, eldest is in pri 2 only. How ur sons feel when outta sudden the maid become their mother? The maid was divorced with 2 teenage girls attending Uni at their hometown. Jason even paid for his maid’s daughters’ school fees and even wanna buy laptops for them!

Feelings

Time flies fast, why am still feeling empty or am a loner all along? Mother told me since young, I sit quietly in a corner in class whereas, the others were interacting with one another. I don't like talking much, nothing in common to talk.

Many do not understand me and I don'd need their understanding. They thought taking mood medication is normal and that it will just go away. Talking to people who have no wisdom at all really irritates me a lot.

Whenever I felt that I've ate more on the particular day, I tend to exercise more on physiotherapy exercises and on my gym bike, almost an hr plus. Walking long hours at jurong point like 5 hours till I felt vision blurry or fainting.

I just like to be alone, solving my own problems. Likes to have freesdom and not being told to do this and that.