‘De StigmARTizing’ booth exhibition - 27-28 Aug & 4 Sep

Silver Ribbon (Singapore) and Orchard Central (OC) will be co-organising The Great Via Ferrata Challenge @ Orchard Central (OC) and have been allocated a space for booth exhibition titled ‘De StigmARTizing’ at Level 4 on- 27 & 28 Aug where a charity climb will be held to raise funds for SRS, and-4 Sep where we launch the final round of The Great Via Ferrata Challenge.

I've been invited to take up a booth & am so excited! Do bring ur friends along, your full support is much APPRECIATED! :)

Cheers!

This is exactly how I felt whenever am warded in SGH

I came across this online blog abt staying in hospital & it relates to how I felt exactly the same whenever I was warded in SGH.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar-mom/2011/05/my-fall-my-hospital-stay/

"From the moment I got up to the floor with the “crazy people” I felt violated. I felt emotionally and mentally raped. I felt beaten and tormented. I felt abandoned."

"It then became my mission to act as sane as possible to get the hell out of there. I was NOT crazy, and did NOT belong in there with all those crazy people. I was just depressed! Well, looking back, that is exactly where I should have been. With my peers, not with “crazy” people."

"I took my medicine as I was supposed to, and slowly got better. I stopped crying and went through the motions of group therapy and personal therapy as I needed to, to get out. It was my priority to go home. I had no idea how bad I was, but I was doing pretty bad.
After I finally went home, the hospital had the same diagnoses of major depressive disorder."

No matter what, not in my life, will I wanna be referred to IMH!

Self-help & some interesting findings about Mental Health

Postural Problems a Sign of Bipolar Illness?
http://psychcentral.com/news/2011/05/25/postural-problems-a-sign-of-bipolar-illness/26467.html

Bipolar Often Misdiagnosed

http://psychcentral.com/news/2009/06/08/bipolar-often-misdiagnosed/6361.html
 
Disaster Plans Should Include Those with Mental Illness

http://psychcentral.com/news/2011/05/24/disaster-plans-should-include-those-with-mental-illness/26432.html

Self-Exploration: Getting To Know Thyself

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/05/24/self-exploration-getting-to-know-thyself/

Why such thoughts?

Last nite, took lorazepamx2 but unable to slp. Yet, unwanted scary thots kept floating in my mind.Thots were sliting & gg to One Fullerton. Why?
Tdy, wasnt any better. I screamed out loud "I HATE U ALL" & crying on my bed. Dare not go anywhere.
Just wanted to die but I've potential, why should I die? This is how I psycho myself. I just go to sleep, at least keep myself from harming ownself.

New hope for MDD

http://health.asiaone.com/Health/News/Story/A1Story20110418-274217.html

Sometimes, it's scary to take new medications but upon hearing there's good news, it just made me feel better. New medications - having lesser side effects (eg: sexual dysfunction, drownsiness...etc) & no tapering off dosage required if discontinued.

It works on melatonin rather than serotonin. I wonder one would know whether they have serotonin syndrome or not when taking SSRIs/ SNRIs for a long period of time, especially for years?

Agomelatine sounds better choice for me. It works on sleep cycle & hormones (females hormones changes during PMS).

New antidepressant

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-01-21/clinical-data-wins-u-s-approval-to-market-new-type-of-antidepressant.html

Hallucination, Psychosis or Schizophrenia?

Of late, I've extreme intense anxiety which ended up not able to go to sleep even when I took zoloft & lorazepamx2 tabs.


Last night, unwanted thoughts filled my mind & my tears rolled down after experiencing pain from injecting insulin. I even seem to feel that there's 'something' which 'wanted' me. Always hearing sounds but found there isnt anything.

Is it my hallucination, psychosis or schizophrenia?

Recent, appointment with neurologist said my migraine is due to my underlying depression. Gastric doctor prescribed some new medications for my IBS.

Am being followed up by psychiatrist, psychologist & even art therapist.

Depression shows

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.metro.co.uk%2Fmetrolife%2F822222-louis-theroux-investigates-americas-medicated-kids&h=aeb45

I was on CNA last night, catching few shows about depression. One of which was America's medicated kids whom as young as 6 was diagnosed with ADHD & bipolar. Even one of the family's dog also on anti-depressant, except for their daughter!!

After which, at 10:10pm was interview of a young adult who was diagnosed with depression when he was in JC & couldn't take stress & expectations to score well in exams along with psychiatrist Dr Ang & SOS staff.

Good to have more shows to educate public & smart alecks who always wanted us - the sufferers' of depression to snap out of it. Of course, we do not expect them to understand what we going through but at least be understanding. It's not within our control when we react in certain circumstances.

Wat a day!!

this morn, emailed to info my nurse whom called Dr Lee & Kevin, told me must go A&E. Called my mother up...went to A&E & seen by Dr Soh.

Ward full at SGH, then discharged by signing legal docu & my mother had to ensure I do nothing foolish till I see Dr Lee this coming thurs.

Wait till 11pm, get to have my dinner...Coz oso mother rushed me to pray for safety. I also got a new god mother..I like my new god-mother's shih tzu named bobby. Called his name out, he run to me...so cute!

Msged my snr mgr whom replied saying must let "us" know when seeing Dr Lee...it's like telling me HR snr mgr n my snr mgr wanna go with me to my pdoc appt...which I mentioned earlier on sms this coming thurs. HR snr mgr only wanna 'kpo' so called out of concern. Kept citing head of psy dept at sgh v good coz got company's staffs seen by him...duhz

Almost jump off building

Woke up from nightmare at 5 a.m. juz now, about me seeing "things" with a kid..something which I couldn't actually remember what it was about. A sudden feeling of being hopeless n future seems bleak that I went to the kitchen window & wanted to jump down from there. I was crying hysterically...I dunno why out of sudden there's an impulse inside to wanting to suicide! It's really horrible...I was trying to think of Mrs Tharman, my mother and father...that I later tried sitting down right n front of Goddess of Mercy & ancestors.

I couldnt stop crying...my mind was so confused & blank!! Deep inside struggling, I wanna die & end all, the other side no u shouldn't..think of so many ppl arnd u trying to help me..I cant let them down..when I asked Goddess of Mercy as today it's Buddha's birthday..whether I should go A&E? And I could feel it that it's telling me, yes, u should but deep inside I really dun wish to..I wont have freedom...every morning have to face so many doctors with all eyes on me! Then monitor whether finish the food on ur plate. Am not used to the transparent clothing...felt so naked in it..

Suicidal thots & extremely low mood juz

I couldn't withhold myself, the suicidal thots & am in EXTREME low mood. Guess DD saw  my FB msg, smsed me to call him when convenient. I replied telling him am in low mood to call him now. Even I missed DNE Sis Eunice call. I was in ladies crying hysterically again! Shity mood...

Very suicidal...dunno what to do. I gave Sis a call back, told her felt bad disturbing her coz I dun wanna depend on anyone...but she said it's alright. Wanted me to go A&E & called mom but I dun want. Tmr got appt with Dr Lee.

I've no appetite to eat hence Sis wanted me to at least drink something..I felt like gg to one fullerton side..now but cant get away..

Depressed but now feeling better

After dinner, mother mentioned to me that one of the china auntie whom she got to knw at taman jurong green whie exercising would like to meet me. Puzzled, asked why? Mother told me that auntie said that am big gal, shouldn't follow mummy everywhere. Should go venture on my own.

Anger was my very 1st reaction! Hey! Not that I wanted to follow u, it's u urself worried so much & being over protective that u wanna follow me everywhere! When I wanted to go disco so much to meet up my frens, u would agree initially but on the very day, u will find some excuses to prevent me from going out at all. Even if just makan or shopping, kept asking whom u gg out with & what time be back...dun stress me like that, mother!!

I went for shower & cried. Locked myself inside the room. Mother knocked on the door & I unlocked & she told me thought I wanted to go over MPS to look for R. I did went over, at least, I din regret gg over. Mother din follow, guess she's damn angry too.

Pulled fishbones to R & felt so much better. Dr Joshua, Mr Goh saw me...aiyo..Dr Joshua knew I wanted to see Mrs Tharman. Yes, passed her the article I wrote in to SHAPE which won me the POLAR sports watch.

Know what, I felt like running away from home, really...and maybe for good, who knows. If mother frowns for no apparrent reason or kept on making frustration noises, it really IRRITATES me a lot!!

Am very stressed up with finances & the rest...dun stress me up for small matters.

Whisky affair - am bored...am empty

Am too stress that doctor wants me to rest 2 days!

I was so unwell this morning when I woke up. Extreme heavy downpour, went to GP clinic & found that Dr Wong ain't in but relief Dr Quek. Nice friendly doctor whom also knw Dr Lee!! haha...Dr Quek even chatted & even counselled me for 15 mins that the clinic staff went in & took a look & look at the clock..
Was told that am too stressed that am unwell, wanted me to stay at hoe rest for 2 days n dun think about work.. :p I try...Given stemetel since I hv domperidone at home.

Diet for depression??

Hmm, so far there ain't any specific diet for depression. However, one can do some lifestyle changes to ease symptoms of depression.

Dietary changes can affect brain sructure chemically & physiologically.

-Nutrients: Vitamins, minerals, carbohydrates, protein & even a minimal amount of fat. lol...

-Take essential antioxidants like beta-carotene & vitamin C, E & calcium with vitamin D.

-Good carbs such as breads, cereal, pasta increases level of serotonin in the brain, hence a calming effect with decreased anxiety.

-Limit sugary stuffs, go for smart carbs like wholegrains, fruits, vegetables, legumes especially bananas, cauliflower & brocolli.

-Tuna & salmon contains good omega 3 fatty acids.

-Sources of proteins that boosts alertness come from: soy products, peas, lean beef, low-fat cheese, fish, milk, poultry.

-Avoid caffein as much as possible. Tea contains higher level of caffein after brewed!

-Last but not least, exercise to feel good. :p

All the above are just for sharing purpose only. Please consult your doctor for any medical conditions.

Nights terror of being xxx

For past 2 mths, been experiencing night terrors of me being sexually assaulted, rape or naked! This is very DISTURBING! Reminds me of when I lived in old hse, bathroom door is a metal piece with a stretch of space exposed at the hinge side. One day, I saw my younger brother (5 yrs my junior, he's in kindergarden) peeping at me while I was in shower! I screamed & told my mother but she won't believe me!! I was being peeped umpteen times till finally, I had to use my bathroom towel to cover up at the door hinge. Atlas, my mother caught him doing so while she was showering too..that was only when mother choose to believe me.

Younger brother used to sleep with us in a room, guess what he did to me? He gropped my breasts & snapped off my bra while I was soundly asleep which woke me up from my sleep. It was horrible experience with hvg such a younger brother.

When he's in his teens (before he moved out of the hse), he took my panties to wear! I was curious as to why my panties suddenly not enough. We checked his wardrobe, to find my panties stained with his ejaculated semen!! Aww...........SICKENING!

Before I turned 16, I was molested by a woman which I later got to knw she's a lesbian. Thinking back, how naive & innocent I was at that time. We met thru internet, (I used to hang at internet cafe) meet up for movie & coffee. The day before was hvg flu but managed to meet her up at tiong bahru plaza GV. I was told she's 30 yrs oldbut whenI saw her, she's like >45yrs old. She worked in ZOUK as housekeeper, her name card stated there.

During the movie, I fell asleep as I was very drowsy after taken the flu medicine. After which, felt something carassing my hands & went beneath my sweater, skirt! Pelvic & down there was touched!! Woke up from shocked!! She dared to tell me how soft I was to her touch!! I quickly excused myself to ladies but she followed me right behind. Even asked why I leave her alone there. I made excuses I wanted to go home & she still mentioned she wanted to go out with me some other day again. Deep in my heart, NO! NOT AGAIN, NEVER!! I was so scared that I didn't let  my mother know. I didn't know what to do at that time. -_-!!

2nd time, this time round happened at Tiong Bahru Plaza again! It was few days later after I was newly discharged from p.ward. I went there to have lunch. Before I approached the escalator to level 2, I could felt someone v close right behind me& the very next moment, a man's hands touching my side breasts!! I freaked out, turn to look at the man. He's tall around my height, greasy hair, wearing something like uniform of a cleaner. He apologized & walked toward the gents. I was stunned & broke down which later I made report to the information counter & was told to go Cantoment to make police report.

Weeks later, I was told the security camera didn't filmed anyone near me! How could this be!! Unless there's no camera nexr that area!! They didnt catch the molester!! I was very angry!!

Till now, I dare not go for r/s thou I wanted to have someone to love me. Last time, a cisco guard intro his fren who worked at watsons warehouse 35 yrs old, juzt a few yrs my senior. Exchanged hps, I let him to call me when he had passed my sms test. But the very first time he called me,he asked me which masque I bought from watson, is it the one for massaging breasts!! SICKENING guy!! Still wanted to bring me out for jap cuisine, NO WAY!  I ended the phone immediately & next day, told the cisco guard. Cisco guard apologized for the incidence & that he didn't know his long time fren is like this pervert.

Remember one nice handsome guy who is rich but much younger than I am, asked me to be his gf but as he knw my background, he respected my decision. He always bring me to restaurants & even when I told him I cant accept his love. Asked if I could give him a hug & a kiss, I allowed. We parted but still keep in touch. After we parted, one wkend, I was walking at bugis the other side where fish n co was, he saw me there!! I seldom walked that direction, it was like SO COINCIDENCE!! He gave me a treat but I shared with him.
The next time was we met at IPAM!! The beautiful colleagues asking him, how he got to know me..haha He's such a prince charming, no gals can resist it. He did told me before he got lotsa gfs gg to his hse. Eh, honesty doesn't mean anything, it's more like, see, I told you, I've lotsa gfs. Aha...

Maybe becoz of these, I could have confusion in identity?

Am really very fatigue, headache, painful...argh...

Today

I couldn't fall asleep last night & manz! Gastric, nausea, dizzy, pain all over & it's like am not my usual too besides my mood juz like this - which I've just made with the rest of hama designs. See photos at http://genyturquoise.blogspot.com/

Critical

Sometimes I wonder, when am so depressed, yet I could still offer comfort to someone else, makes me feel better as if I've accomplished something. with mission on earth? Is this what Buddha wanna put me thru.

Which plans are better to ensure sure proof one?

Popping lotsa different poison drugs or drinking dettol? Dettol had a damn pissed off smell & I wonder how they managed to drink it? At that point of time, feeling too hopeless to even taste what it's like, right? Whom do I actually live for & for what purpose? Find it meaningless...just drag on for days & days.

Weigh myself daily day n night, got angry with myself loathe myself when weight never goes down. Can I drink alchohol with my med to make it fatal? What am I thinking of?

Outsiders think so easy to get out of depression

Ya, I know being concerned abt me getting well but outsiders u dunno it's not as easy as ABC to recover. Sighz..later afternoon gg with snr mgr to see HR mgr. My concern now is financial, what can they help me? It's not the 1st time we talk about oredi! Am tired of it & I have to show a smiley face somemore.