Today waited quite long at clinic A to see Dr Lee. This time break record, 25 mins leh! I told Dr Lee my concerns about my recent increased weight of about 6kgs within 2 weeks & I just can't stop bingeing.
I binge when am over stressed, bored or stomach feeling empty. Dr Lee wrote 'love' letter to Dr Tan to refer me to LIFE centre for diet counselling & exercise prescription. Then don't know what Dr Lee mumbled about whether she will be/ won't be seeing me by then. kekeke
Dr Lee cited that I didn't eat enough and must have my 3 proper meals if not sure end up bingeing. Mentioned she even eat lotsa meat and fish, aiya, Dr Lee, no matter how much you eat, you also slim one leh. Said she 'jiat buay ba' if she were to take 1/2 or 1/4 bowl of rice.
Hmm..Dr Lee is director of LIFE centre, how come still require to highlight to Dr Tan to refer.
I asked whether can take a photo with Dr Lee, she smiles and turned down due to hospital policy. True or not? Later she said it's her own private decision not to take photo with patients, afraid ended up in facebook or somewhere and photo got edited. Duhz, me won't do such nonsense stuffs..anyway, respect her decision lor.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
17 sep
17 sep, Dr Lee saw me. Before me, there's a student with her mother. Expected, her mother was being kicked outta consultation room. However mother & I saw how she treated the student so nicely and smile at her. Dr Lee came out, obviously, she saw my mother but pretended as if nothing.
The student's mother was very angry and that she doesn't want her daughter to be under Dr Lee at LIFE centre. The counter staff said eh, they don't know, told the mother to call on that day to change doctor.
When it was my turn to go in, Dr Lee was very black face & said in very fierce tone asking me what I want her to do? To take me off medications? hee..I nodded and later she prescribed me efexor xr and diazepam.
Later managedtomake Dr Lee laughed. hee
Wah! Taking efexor, I had extreme nausea, dizziness that mades me feel like collasping, headache and blur vision. I took myself off it for 2 days & I felt so much better. Aiyo, like that how to work.
Next appt with Dr Lee, wanting to be back on fluvoxetine better since much lesser side effects thou it can cause me to be very 'floaty' in the day.
The student's mother was very angry and that she doesn't want her daughter to be under Dr Lee at LIFE centre. The counter staff said eh, they don't know, told the mother to call on that day to change doctor.
When it was my turn to go in, Dr Lee was very black face & said in very fierce tone asking me what I want her to do? To take me off medications? hee..I nodded and later she prescribed me efexor xr and diazepam.
Later managedtomake Dr Lee laughed. hee
Wah! Taking efexor, I had extreme nausea, dizziness that mades me feel like collasping, headache and blur vision. I took myself off it for 2 days & I felt so much better. Aiyo, like that how to work.
Next appt with Dr Lee, wanting to be back on fluvoxetine better since much lesser side effects thou it can cause me to be very 'floaty' in the day.
Nothing but nightmares & dreams
Does efexor causes nightmares and dreams even early morning? Haiz, what kinda antidepressant. Causing me nausea, headache, extreme dizziness that makes me feel like collasping & blur vision. How to concentrate at work like that!
Laptop harddisk crashed on 29 sep
During afternoon, laptop kept on hanging even after continuous rebooting it. Brought to smc & the test confirmed my suspicious - harddisk crashed. Need to be 'hospitalised' for 3 days, earliest able to get back will be on thurs late afternoon.
Tues night, msged mgr citing laptop down, might as well take leave next day which was wed to settle some personal matters. Know what he replied? U need not stay away, you can still help out at OA for less complicated cases. I hacked care, all my requests coming from laptop, how to help OA side when it's even much more stressful than laptop.
Thurs back at office, seeing lotsa last day service prompters when most of it doesn't have earlier on prompters. Since am not in, be it on leave or medical leave, why no one to handle such urgent cases, must wait till I come back. Morning TY said to clear immediately those with last day & staff leaving, not saying posting not important. Hence, I replied same sentiments.
Whatever, same problems always sufacing again & again. Am really tired of all these.
Wed night, an indian man came knocking on our door asking for Elton whom is my younger brother not staying with us anymore. That indian man kept asking my mother lotsa questions & wanted her to sign. Nah, my mother not going to sign anything. you want, just take our lives. My younger brother didn't stay with us for so long & I didn't get to see him at all! What the hack he's doing outside. Don't bring your debts become my problem!
I had enough problems already and because of this, I broke down & was very agitated & extremely depressed. When taking efexor, wonder why I can be upset for nothing and twice so depressed when stressed out at work!
Tues night, msged mgr citing laptop down, might as well take leave next day which was wed to settle some personal matters. Know what he replied? U need not stay away, you can still help out at OA for less complicated cases. I hacked care, all my requests coming from laptop, how to help OA side when it's even much more stressful than laptop.
Thurs back at office, seeing lotsa last day service prompters when most of it doesn't have earlier on prompters. Since am not in, be it on leave or medical leave, why no one to handle such urgent cases, must wait till I come back. Morning TY said to clear immediately those with last day & staff leaving, not saying posting not important. Hence, I replied same sentiments.
Whatever, same problems always sufacing again & again. Am really tired of all these.
Wed night, an indian man came knocking on our door asking for Elton whom is my younger brother not staying with us anymore. That indian man kept asking my mother lotsa questions & wanted her to sign. Nah, my mother not going to sign anything. you want, just take our lives. My younger brother didn't stay with us for so long & I didn't get to see him at all! What the hack he's doing outside. Don't bring your debts become my problem!
I had enough problems already and because of this, I broke down & was very agitated & extremely depressed. When taking efexor, wonder why I can be upset for nothing and twice so depressed when stressed out at work!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Depression: The Misunderstood Illness
Curiousity got me to lay hands on Dr Leslie book about depression. Wanting to get some answers from it but yet not fulfilled. Anti-depressent medications labelled with "poison" but may not totally take a person life, aint it? At most, detroy kidney/ liver or any other vital organs. How about if combine all kinds of medications, will it work?
I looked up to people who actually drank detergent took rats poison and even those who jump down from buildings. In fact, this week, before my appt with Dr Lee, at work, got the most horrifying auto suicide of jumping down from my workplace, just like when I had my very 1st suicide thoughts last yr nov.
Am tired of living already. Maybe someday, I might carry out. No one can say for sure.
I looked up to people who actually drank detergent took rats poison and even those who jump down from buildings. In fact, this week, before my appt with Dr Lee, at work, got the most horrifying auto suicide of jumping down from my workplace, just like when I had my very 1st suicide thoughts last yr nov.
Am tired of living already. Maybe someday, I might carry out. No one can say for sure.
Seizures, nightmare on thurs wee morning 4 a.m
17/9, thurs wee morning, 4 a.m. Woke up from nightmare and there's a voice calling out to me, followed by seizures and facial expressions too. I couldn't fall back to sleep again and I had to wake up at 8 a.m. as I had appt with Dr Lee Huei Yen at 10.30 a.m.
I was actually very afraid Dr Lee might ward me cause I've self-inflicted injuries to myself and having suicidal thoughts in which 4 of it auto came. Recently, at work, dont know why for no apparrent reason that I broke down and ended taking pm leave. 2 dued to stresses at work, tried pushing myself to do as much as I can.
Dr Lee printed out some personality disorder articles & asked whether do they apply to me and I don't agree totally. She said I can disagree but there's 2 aspects where she noticed of me. Citing must find the root of causes to cure me otherwise I keep having depression and suicide thoughts, not saying medications don't help but to a certain extend. No point keep changing medications. Dr Lee asked me what am I going to do when I've suicide thoughts & I replied don't know when questioned a few times. Then she asked me what's going on my mind now, I replied nothing.
After that, she said I good in internet search, can look up and research. Dr Lee seeing me in 3 wks time and must tell her about it.
Dr Lee wanted to put me back on fluvoxetine but I'm very floaty the next day, then she prescribed lexapro escitalopram 10mg which has lesser side effects than venlafaxine. To lift my insonmia, Dr Lee prescribed me Stilnox CR Zolpidem in which is optional.
Last night, took lexapro at 8.30 pm 1 hr after dinner, within 1/2 hr, I could feel myself being sedative. I tucked in bed early at 9.30 pm thou half awake while being sedative. Had a good night sleep and woke up at 6.30 a.m. on friday 18/9.
I'm still drowsy with headache, dry mouth and don't know why got diarrhea. Maybe the lexapro huh.
I was actually very afraid Dr Lee might ward me cause I've self-inflicted injuries to myself and having suicidal thoughts in which 4 of it auto came. Recently, at work, dont know why for no apparrent reason that I broke down and ended taking pm leave. 2 dued to stresses at work, tried pushing myself to do as much as I can.
Dr Lee printed out some personality disorder articles & asked whether do they apply to me and I don't agree totally. She said I can disagree but there's 2 aspects where she noticed of me. Citing must find the root of causes to cure me otherwise I keep having depression and suicide thoughts, not saying medications don't help but to a certain extend. No point keep changing medications. Dr Lee asked me what am I going to do when I've suicide thoughts & I replied don't know when questioned a few times. Then she asked me what's going on my mind now, I replied nothing.
After that, she said I good in internet search, can look up and research. Dr Lee seeing me in 3 wks time and must tell her about it.
Dr Lee wanted to put me back on fluvoxetine but I'm very floaty the next day, then she prescribed lexapro escitalopram 10mg which has lesser side effects than venlafaxine. To lift my insonmia, Dr Lee prescribed me Stilnox CR Zolpidem in which is optional.
Last night, took lexapro at 8.30 pm 1 hr after dinner, within 1/2 hr, I could feel myself being sedative. I tucked in bed early at 9.30 pm thou half awake while being sedative. Had a good night sleep and woke up at 6.30 a.m. on friday 18/9.
I'm still drowsy with headache, dry mouth and don't know why got diarrhea. Maybe the lexapro huh.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
HELP! Am being sandwiched!
Recent visit to snr psychologist & GP, both advised me to be more assertive towards my mother and if she's unhappy, that's her problem. Pointing out that the fact am being too close to my mother, ended up to be co-dependance and that they're not sure when it started.
If mother is happy, I'm happy. However, if mother is unhappy, am unhappy. If there's conflict, I'll hurt deep down inside too. That explains why I have depression.
Like recent incidence, I bought G2000 tops for $26 each & 2 FILA polo tee for $19.90 each. Mother would keep asking me why I bought the FILA polo tee when it's not as class nor nice as G2000 tops. Citing even if am angry, she also wanted to point out no point buying FILA polo tee when it cost $19.90.
However, I voiced out my opinion that I like it. Not that I must wear so corporate wear to work daily as I like varieties. Over this conflict, it hurts me deeply and ended up self-inflicting harm myself, penetrating sharp fingernails on my arms to ease pain.
If mother is happy, I'm happy. However, if mother is unhappy, am unhappy. If there's conflict, I'll hurt deep down inside too. That explains why I have depression.
Like recent incidence, I bought G2000 tops for $26 each & 2 FILA polo tee for $19.90 each. Mother would keep asking me why I bought the FILA polo tee when it's not as class nor nice as G2000 tops. Citing even if am angry, she also wanted to point out no point buying FILA polo tee when it cost $19.90.
However, I voiced out my opinion that I like it. Not that I must wear so corporate wear to work daily as I like varieties. Over this conflict, it hurts me deeply and ended up self-inflicting harm myself, penetrating sharp fingernails on my arms to ease pain.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Depression recurrence?
For past 3 weeks, feeling very depressed and afraid it's recurrence of depression. It's very disabling that I couldn't concentrate at work. Thoughts of jumping off building and even slashing my wrist came haunting me which is torturing me. Struggling with inner self. Either couldn't fall asleep or woke up at night or been sleeping for ultra long hrs which ended don't feel like waking up at all. Even everynow and then, will cry also. Very headache and dizzy. Even thought of overdosing on few medications. -_-!!
Yesterday appt with Kevin, snr psychologist. He sounded angry also when he finds me very tense and that he won't start hypnotherapy. I just couldn't relax and even when I tried using the breathing technique, I got choked and uncomfortable. He encourages me to do so often. He even mentioned he's also very stressed out at LIFE ctr and he did exercises. I do exercises but still not able to feel that good. Sighz..
Though appt with Dr Lee is one month's time but seems very fast as it's just next week.
Yesterday appt with Kevin, snr psychologist. He sounded angry also when he finds me very tense and that he won't start hypnotherapy. I just couldn't relax and even when I tried using the breathing technique, I got choked and uncomfortable. He encourages me to do so often. He even mentioned he's also very stressed out at LIFE ctr and he did exercises. I do exercises but still not able to feel that good. Sighz..
Though appt with Dr Lee is one month's time but seems very fast as it's just next week.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Raised my voice at my mother
This morning, when I was downstairs waiting for Jason, the cab driver to come, I realised I've forgotten to bring along my medications. Tried calling mother but her hp ain't on, hence, thinking it's alright to miss a day's dose only.
Not long after I boarded Jason's cab, mother called to tell me I forgot to bring my medication. Told her I'm already on the way to work then mother said, asked him to turn back lah! Feddup manz!! Just miss a day dosage, wont do much harm. I also raised my voice and said that I've tried calling her but hp not on yet.
Mother said she'll come down with my medications, I ask Jason to turn back. I felt bad ticking off my mother off but I just couldn't hold my anger.
I couldn't fall asleep last night and my whole body aching all over. Duhz...
Not long after I boarded Jason's cab, mother called to tell me I forgot to bring my medication. Told her I'm already on the way to work then mother said, asked him to turn back lah! Feddup manz!! Just miss a day dosage, wont do much harm. I also raised my voice and said that I've tried calling her but hp not on yet.
Mother said she'll come down with my medications, I ask Jason to turn back. I felt bad ticking off my mother off but I just couldn't hold my anger.
I couldn't fall asleep last night and my whole body aching all over. Duhz...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Appointment with Kevin yesterday
Yesterday appointment with Kevin was brief, no rooms available and time is tight. Anxiety was on me and I can't stop poking myself with my fingernails. When Kevin called for me, he said I was very tense and that if I can't even relax, he won't do hypnotherapy on me. Told me to read up on it and I replied I've read all about it. Till I'm relax then he'll perform hypnotherapy, otherwise I won't be able to sink deep.
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