Do I look like sch gal?

Everytime I go SGH for appts or even A&E, doctors will ask me,"Gal, u schooling?" Oh well, next time I better answer "Yes." hahaha Better if I RP with a sch uniform ya? lol...

Otherwise, that nuisance male nurse Koh Tat Sze or something which sounds like "Hit Shit!" & he really look like shit & no one likes him! When he learnt I work as SA in "Don't Speak To Anyone" then he oh ya..why give me that kind of yaya papaya face. U're just a nurse k, no need give me the "look down on me" expression.

Can't tahan

Told mother I will be gg Nova next sat & she agreed initially then later toldme she wanna go chinatown. Kept asking me what time I'll be back so she won't be so worry. Sighz!!! told mother, let me go in peace, dun like that, otherwise I won't enjoy going out, if like that, I won't be going out at all. Let me have my own freedom, ok, mummy.

What a dream!!

Had beer last night as feeling damn down & hot. Watch jap anime till 11 plus on horror evil spirits before showering. Suddenly, suicidal thoughts came again, I drew fantastic suicidal notes with drawings. During my sleep, lotsa funny dreams & know what? I dreamt of Dr Lee searching the ward for potential suicidal tools as I've slashed my hand!!! Pengz!!!!!! This morning unwilling woke up, dragged myself outta bed to go for appt with Dr Lee. I didn't had breakfast as I dun feel like eating. On my way to SGH, my gastric pain came & bad too. I took out my almond granola cereal bar & ate, as approaching rm 11, Dr Lee came out, seems her mood very good today leh & oso wearing black blouse. I sat there outside her consultation room, after she saw a patient, she came out & told me that she had to go for a mtg & Dr
Timothy Teoh will see me. I asked whether she can see me in the afternoon but was told too packed. No choice then. Oh ya, Dr Lee saw me munching at the bar. :p I had pms yesterday, told damn heavy!

Told Dr Teoh about my worsen agitation, suicidal thots & I wanted to show Dr Lee something but had it photocopied. Next time round, will tell Dr Lee abt that funni dream of her. haha...Next appt 25 feb, not yet over LNY. Dr Teoh decreased my med to 30mg fluoxetine & increased 50mg atarax. Told me dun take 3x atarax, or else I will feel the hangover.

Went to O' Brien, got myself big shambo & reg iced mocha. Surprisingly, I ate only 1/3 portion of the sandwich & feeling bloated, feel like vomiting out oredi. I told the staff to pack for me.

Polar FA20 Activity Computer worth $203

I wanna win this Polar FA20 Activity Computer worth $203!!

Charity

Mother called me up asking if the dino soft toy can give to the teenage boy who is wheelchair bound with low IQ. Of course, surely go ahead. Along with my cars & remote control cars. I don't mind, being charitable. Better than donating to those charity drive, then end up middlemen taking the nice toys instead of benefiting the needy children.

Did a successful surgery for my penguin

My poor penguin, I took it out from display unit last night, wanting to take nice photo of it. God nows! It's head came off!! I had to re-iron it to get it connected back & ended up the back skin came off at some areas & stuck to the ironing paper which I had much difficulty getting it off nicely. Oh well, I just have to do another new penguin ya. Sobz

However, it's a successful surgery! :p

I've lost 1 kg!!! WOW!!

Hey hey, I managed to lost another kg as I weigh in myself this morning. Am so HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow whoo!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep it up keep it up...am gg to lose more weight!!! Yeah!!!!!!!!! I can do it...

My article's out online

My article's on diabetes is out online here under special feature http://www.diabetes.org.sg/publication.html. However, there's error. It should have been "am still employed".

Interested to get a hardcopy, do let me know. Thanks for your support in a way or another.

Soley handmade by myself for my fren's upcoming birthday

Ytd night, after shower, took out my crafts thingy & began to handmade something special for my fren's upcoming birthday. Eh, can't tell you what is it lah, neither could I post the picture here too..Discreet to surprise my fren ya. My mother even commented, it's CUTE!! hehe

Oh ya, all along, I hate arts. Bcoz the lecturer always purposely gave me low marks except for my calligraphy as he only likes pretty gals. Ya, am not pretty. I know that deep downin my heart.

Right now, after learning arts from OTs, I begin to like arts so much. My ex officer loves my wooden stead. Yesterday evening, knocked off, saw him in the lift. He told me about it & I enquired which one, one is stead, the other is pencil holder. I can give him one too..coz I've given Mrs Tharman the merry-go-round. :o)

STUPID staffs

Making me damn angry sia. All along, I've been with Eric at LIFE Ctr but received letter telling me to go for assessment on 19 feb to see Katherine, another physio. Called them up just now & from what I hear, Eric seems to unable to recall who am I & counter staff the way that "auntie" talks over the phone, is very STUPID!! It's actually not change of appt but neednot have another health assessment!! Simple as that, also don't understand.

Why am I like that?

One shower, it sudden strike my mind to get the book "how to solve our human problems". Few yrs back, my anger gone after reading the book written by honourable dalai lama. Intriguing aint it?

I wanna die, so suicidal but don't feel like dying yet, got unfulfil things. A struggle, > than a yr oredi. How much longer can I hold out?

Kevin told me to think of things to make myself happy but I did try lotsa stuffs but it doesn't HELP!!

20th Jan

Appt with Kevin is so boring today. He's late by 10 mins, thot he ain't coming. Before session starts, Kevin told me he had to rush for mtg at 4p.m. which honestly, I dislike. It was damn boring that day, kept asking me to think from HR perspective why they need medical report & blah blah.......

Kevin kept on scratching his body & arms. Hey! Is something wrong or troubling Kevin. Oh well, he's nice enough to extend additional half an hr for me.

Letter from LIFE Ctr

Saw Dr Tan on 20th Jan, showed him the letter which Dr Lee wrote. Dr Tan referred me to LIFE ctr for prescribed exercise & dietician. Received letter from SGH yesterday & appt was like 19 Feb. Hey! My session with Eric snr physiotherapist not ended yet, why put me to Katherine!!

Ask to do 3 days diary of food & beverage intake specfically. Come ON!! Am oredi STRESSED out, still want me to fill this STUPID form!!

Taking extra hydroxyzine hoping it could take me

Last wk fri, last resort which I decided to do when I couldn't fall asleep & thats to take additional 2x 25mg hydroxyzine. Ended unable to sleep thou feel sedation, palpitation, dizziness. Next morning, woke up with "hangover" feeling HORRIBLE with migraine. I didn't go to work.

Hey Hey Hey

Yesterday morning, had appt at DBC SGH with Dr Tan & then brought my mother to SNEC for her routine eye check. Before heading back to SOC clinic B to see Kevin, decided to head to LIFE ctr to ait down & relax. Hey!!! Fate brought us together, know who I met? Siti & YP leh!!! Elated to see them & we took a photo together...hehe

After that hor, Dr Lee back with her colleague in her white blouse & beige skirt. She was looking at me looking puzzled...Hee...Ya, am with the gals!!

Waited for Kevin to arrive, told me he had to go off for mtg at 4p.m. but he extended my time ya. Told me that Dr Lee told him about the mail I sent to Dr Lee..ya it's by fax actually. I've no idea what HR doing with the medical report & insistent that I see SAF counsellor.

Dump the fluoxetine!!

Fluoxetine making me more agitated than ever that it scared my mother! WTS it is! Just dumped it, disposed it, away from it! I rather take the chinese medicine prescribed by the TCM chinese physician Teck Soon. I trusted this doctor, ever since I took his medicine, I can sleep better at night. To dependon fluoxetine & Atarax?! Nah!!!!!!!!!!! Am not going to take it anymore.

17 Jan 2010 Mother's birthday

Brought mother to Red Star Restaurant to celebrate birthday for her. Mother enjoyed dim sum & we go around looking for waitress to pick dim sum we wanted. We did not Q for long as we had a nice cosy corner. Vividly, reminds me of Mayflower restaurant when I was very young at age of 5. Always having egg tarts, century egg porridge, fun cheong. Siew Mai & Har Gao & Wu Kok lose out to the one at ION Food opera. Overall, we enjoyed ourselves.

Jap cuisine

After I was allowed to go home, wondering what to eat since nothing hot. Oh ya! Didn't asked Doc, what if I feel "hot", how hur? lol...

Went to ngee ann city jap restaurant had erm lunch cum afternoon snack with mother. Nice macha sundae with sashimi meal.

14 Jan VBT & unexpected surgery!!

14 Jan, scheduled for vestibular battery test at ENT, took an hr. Required me to follow the red spot horizontally & vertically, after which both ears were introduced with cold & hot air. OMG! Am spinning & felt like vomitting!!

I was seen by Dr Mark Mo trainee & Dr Siti MO & scope was done. There's "something" in my throat & Dr Mark had to extract tissue for bioscopy. Had to sign the form before surgery done. 2 sticks were placed inside my right nostril to make it numb. Then came the horror! 1st extraction was still ok except hearing the "snipping" sound made & later further in, extracted another bigger tissue & OUCH!!! Extremely painful till I don't know how to cry  & tears rolling downmy cheeks!! I could feel the pool of blood dripping inside my nose!!! Dr Mark then inserted medicine to numb the pain & stop bleeding.. AM IN PAIN!!!! KILL ME PLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr Mark gently placed the extended string behind my ear & stroke my hair asking whether am alright. I was asked to rest for 1/2hr & to review by doc whether bleeding had stopped before allowing me to go home. Am in AGONY!!

Later seen by Dr Siti & bleeding stop but there's much uncomfort inside!! Told not to take anything warm/hot even warm shower not ALLOWED besides beverages & food.

One Fullerton The Butter Factory

Been ages since last stepped into disco. Gonna check out the butter factory at one fullerton. Maybe it'll helps me to recover faster from depression. whahaha Oh ya, I love dancing and am very "thirsty". Wonder if my gfs avail to go or not.

Ytd

Ytd did a few art works & was satisfied with it. Took some photos of it & uploaded in FB too. I don't know where I got the energy to do all 3 at the same night thou am very tired.

Turn in bed at 12mn but I was unable to fall asleep. Oh dear...I woke up this morning with heavy head as I didn't had a good night sleep afterall.

New SNRI antidepressent

Read more about new SNRI antidepressent - Desvenlafaxine.

http://www.mims.com/Page.aspx?menuid=RecentHL&RecentHeaderID=436&HT=296baace66291e51beff76d181305d9a&utm_source=MP+MailingList&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=MP+ENews+SG+Dec+09

Just back from NHC

Supposingly prof at NHC seeing me but guess he's away & seen by registra Dr Lim PP who is soooooooo HANDSOME & caring. haha...He's very detailed and concern too. I was counselled by Jessie Chai MSW at NHC too & elated to know her coming back at NHC. She can really make me feel comfortable & warmth up. She'll break the silence & make me do "homework" to watch the cartoon movie and let her know. Jessie said I watch too much seriious shows like tv programmes on OKTO documentaries & CNA. Serious meh??

She even mentioned she saw me appearing on posters on lifts & that she found familiar face & she recognised it was me. hehe *blush* She's very nice & offer to see me whenever I had appts at NHC with doctor so at the same time, she can counsel me.

I was scheduled for heart perfusion test.

Why so insistent on me seeing SAF counsellor

Upon receiving medical report, she'svery insistent that I see a nearby SAF counsellor when I put my stand "NO". I feel comfortable talking to Kevin & that's enough. All under one roof will be better for me, don't want to get myself stressed out. She told me she'll call Dr Lee Huei Yen & Kevin Beck to see if there's a need for me to see SAF counsellors or not. Duhz

Drank merlot

Been a long time since I've last drank, took merlot on New Yr's day & I felt good & refreshed but I can't fall asleep as I feel hyper thou feeling of drunk. Hmm...does it reacts with fluoxetine, guess so. What if I took lotsa alcohol with it, will I eventually die?

I cried for no reason
Can't stop myself
Having suicidal thots

Frustrating, nothing but frustration
Enough is ENOUGH!

I wanna end my life
To leave this sad world

Life is meaningless
Life is worthless
Life is lifeless

Living like a zombie
With no feelings
Boredom, loneliness
Is all I get

What is happiness
I've long forgotten

What is love
I've no longer feel

Feel like giving up

I gave myself a yr to recover but here I am, still needing to take medicine, worse of all, warded last yr when I was very suicidal. Duhz.. I really feel like giving up on myself already. Depending on the medicines won't bring me much more happiness which I should be feeling. Instead, my mood been fluctuating and alienate towards my mother whose living with me. Ya, I feel very bad about it coz I don't wish to do that to her. It's been very hard for both of us.

I wonder how's dad at Apex Harmony Lodge. It's really very far from where am residing, it took toil on my weak body to endure the long journey & takes up 2 days to recover. I really wish to go visit daddy!! Daddy, I MISS U! As am blogging, who knows my tears running down my cheeks. Any improvement on dad's parkinson & dementia? Mother would always assured me dad's in good hands with nurses there to take care of him but I just couldn't.

Last night, cycling in the park & still I don't feel refreshed nor happy. Just like when am playing Sonic & the Black Knights wii games too. Am not what I'm used to be.

I had the impulse of going to ladies night, having lotsa whiskeys & shoters!! Dancing thru the night continuously just like when I used to be, non-stop! With my medical condition like this, can I drink? If I can't drink, what for I go disco. I really wanted to go back to the dance floor once again where I belong!

I received a fb msg from my friend whom I supposed she's long forgotten me, unless she needed listening ear. That's what she always did, citing that wanna meet me up. In fact, she's the one needing my attention. No one had really understand my condition & I don't really need that.

I had enough telling my bosses, colleagues. friends and yet, they still don't apprehend which makes me very frustrating! All I get is them telling me to snap out of it! Think I don't want, who wanna depression, not me either!

Starving myself won't do good to me also as I will have hypo symptoms. I really don't feel like eating at times & end up bingeing. Mother keep telling me to slim down, think I don't want?! I want to be slim so I can have more friends to hang out with & look pretty. I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday appts

Seen by Florence Fong yesterday during our MSW session in the morning. She told us that her supervisor worried that the medical report psy may or may not to my advantage & why my company insisted on the medical report. I told Florence, it's fine with me, since they said they're getitng the medical report to see to help me. We'll shall see in which way gonna help us.

Sessions with Kevin, my snr psychologist is like very far apart, every 2 mths. Ya, wish the session can be mthly. Florence suggested seeing her like mthly so I've got someone to talk to. That's very nice of her. She even gave me her email when I requested. Am more comfortable emailing than talking over the phone, prob I'm more expressive thru written.

It's lunchtime 12.30 noon, before that, went to collect medical report on behalf of my company. Had wanton noodles at kopitiam but it's full of MSG, mouth's very uncomfortable!

Went to LIFE ctr, wanting to look for Florence C but she went for lunch. Later I was back at LIFE ctr at 2.15 p.m, saw Dr Tham KW walked out of her consultation room. I waited for Florence & she was there. Florence was so happy to see me & was surprised that I purposely went there to look for her. She saw my poster inside the lifts as she's wondering whose the familiar face. haha.. Oh ya, I need to lose more weight. Florence said slowly lah...coz I lost 4kgs during my inpatient but put on back 1 kg after discharged! @@

I asked her where to get the HAMA beads & was told it's available at parkway parade(too far from where am residing) & Vivo City - Growing Fun.  I did google-d online but mostly it's e-bay. I wanna go down personally to see the colors as I love pastel colors.

After that, I proceed to DBC for my podiatry appt. Weird of them to call me over the hp to ask me to go to room 8 when I was outside waiting only.

WTF

Am BLASTING right now! WTF man!! Early morning got the call from trg dept Celine the attituder! Kept saying I shouldn't register for the course if I know I've got appt at NHC in the morning & unfair to company for attending half the session & insisted I get a replacement. Told her off, you go inform my AO about it & she replied saying AO definitely approved since I got med appt. It's like always, we don't get informed whether the course is confirmed or not till very last minute & this doesn't happen to me only either! Told me next time if I apply for the course, make sure the date if free! Kaoz!! Mood is like Volcano erupting NOW!!

Can't wait to go for courses

Oh, am looking forward to my upcoming course - CONNECTING WITH YOUR CUSTOMERS THROUGH HUMOUR thou I'm able to attend half of the course. Morning will be hvg appts with MSW & cardiologist which A&E had earlier on arranged.

Am waiting for other courses schedules to be out for web design & digital imaging where requires one to sit for CIE. c",)

I love going for courses. Miss the time when every wkends, gg to NACLI for 1-2 days courses. More exposure & learn something new.

I must be crazy!!

Went to IKEA during lunch to lay my hands on the Hama beads!! haha... Had poached salmon with black pepper sauce & tomato soup combo which makes me feel so BLOATED!! Got some rye biscuits and ginger slices.

Argh

What a day! I just don't feel like myself today. Kept losing concentration. Argh... Here pain there pain, everywhere in pain! Duhz!! Migraine seems creeping back, it's terrible.

I also wonder how I survive for the past 13 yrs when I tried all sorts of ways. Am really tired of living but at the same time, "bu gan xing" to die. >_<

Looking for nice turtle soup

Hmm...wonder any stalls at Chinatown selling nice turtle soup. Been decades since last had it. lol...the thot of it, rejuvenate my whole body and mind! :o)

I wanna have some more slp pls!!

I'm so unwilling to wake up this morning as I turned in bed at 12mn last night too. So cosy to slumber with funny dreams. Gosh! I pulled myself outta bed at 6.45 am to prepare to work. Go thru one more day and tmr I'll be at SGH whole day. I don't wanna take more MCs which is not good reflection ya. Headache and am feeling dizzy..I ate 2 slices of wholemeal bread with bbq smoked cheese with 1/2 cup milo with oats. Yummy!

Gastric, ultra dizziness, nausea

Since sun's night, while cycling in the park, my gastric pain works up on me again. No choice but to stop cycling after an hr. Pain continue till today. When I knocked off yesterday, I was like gonna faint anytime as I was feeling ultra dizzy & nausea out of sudden. Hmm..maybe I didn't have my proper meal?

My very own online shop

I really wanted to set up my very own online shop selling cutie stuffs to earn extra $$. Wonder how to go about with it coz I've no internet at home, that's the problem. Using html and other tools will takes quite some time to set up thou & also payment mode. Now that my "CPU" is still "under construction", don't wanna stress up again.

Appt with Dr Lee on 31st Dec 09

31st dec 09, morning appt with Dr Lee was a good one, in fact, broke record of having 20 mins session with her. haha... Nice session one.

Dr Lee asked why I was warded & whether meds increased or not. Ya, fluoxetine increased to 40mg. Told her about my A&E encounters with doctors asking me whether am having suicidal thots when I was there for chest pain & even prompted who prescribed me the med. Aiyo, you MO don't know who is Dr Lee HY meh? Duhz!! Go LIFE Ctr & check it out yourself man! haha

Also when my supposed 3 dec with her was rescheduled to 31st dec, called up clinic A & life ctr that med not enough & "MRT" staffs asked me why Dr Lee didn't give enough and insisted that Dr Lee see me on 31st dec. Told them I received the letter Dr Lee's on leave hence rescheduled & meds not enough. Why? Dr Lee on leave, then my meds also go on leave lah! Dr Lee laughed when she came to know about it.

You all so slow, I went straight to find Dr Lee at LIFE ctr for prescription. Dr Lee also written the medical report already, don't understand why medical report dept didn't release to HR, anyway, am gg on the 7th nov to collect when I had appt on that day with MSW Florence & Podiatrist.

Dr Lee, do you know? I actually envy your slim figure very much & no matter how much you eat, you won't go fat. hee

28th dec 09

My mother & myself went over to BLK 184 to thank Mrs Tharman & Dr Joshua personally. Dr Joshua was relieved to see me as Mrs Tharman had just asked him about me. Mrs Tharman was elated to see me that am well but mother's not thou.

Mrs Tharman gave me a hamper & also some chocolates & a leather organiser. Nice limited edition chocolates which are v delicious & not so sweet, from USA.

17th Dec 09 - Suicidal thots came

17th Dec 09 morning, I was still alright till I felt stressed & got a call from HR asking for medical report. I couldn't hold myself any longer as suicidal thots came into my mind constantly. I msged Eunice but I didn't know she's on leave thou. She gave a call to me & advised me to go SGH A&E, the most warded for 2-3 days rather to risk myself getting hurt. I could hear her worrying voice over the phone. Eunice even called up  my mother to accompany me to A&E.

I was seen by a MO 1st then he referred me to see psychiatrist where I was interviewed by Dr Sandy. Expected to ask me the same question whether I wanna be warded to rest for few days, what to do except to accept. Immediately, ward bed arranged for me & was sent to Ward 46A - psychiatry ward, where else?

This is the 2nd time I was warded, pls!! No more of it as I don't like being warded in such an isolated ward which makes me feel imprisioned! All belongings will be kept by them & I asked my mother to bring home for me most of it.

During my stay one wee morning, suicidal thots came & I had actually unplugged the cable trying to strangle myself but placed it back. Sighz, I was thinking of Mrs Tharman too besides my mother. The next day, I don't feel like having breakfast when Van asked me to join them. I broke down & doctors came to see me & nurse trying to pull me out of bed. Haha..she's so thin, how to?

All the gals are so perfectly thin & am so envy of their nice figure. How I wish am that slim. During my inpatient, I've lost 4 kgs!! whahaha

Seen by Dr Ng Beng Yong whom's caring & noticed my acnes & prescribed Differin for it. When Dr Joshua from MP's office knw about my hospitalisation, he called Mrs Tharman who was away on holiday & he called me up, telling me Mrs Tharmam is flying back to sg & he called up SGH & ward nurses to take good care of me. I deeply appreciated Dr Joshua's nice gesture besides Mrs Tharman.

Dr Ng told me on 23rd dec morning, during the interview that I can be discharged! I'm elated as it's before Christmas eve!! hee