Feel like giving up

I gave myself a yr to recover but here I am, still needing to take medicine, worse of all, warded last yr when I was very suicidal. Duhz.. I really feel like giving up on myself already. Depending on the medicines won't bring me much more happiness which I should be feeling. Instead, my mood been fluctuating and alienate towards my mother whose living with me. Ya, I feel very bad about it coz I don't wish to do that to her. It's been very hard for both of us.

I wonder how's dad at Apex Harmony Lodge. It's really very far from where am residing, it took toil on my weak body to endure the long journey & takes up 2 days to recover. I really wish to go visit daddy!! Daddy, I MISS U! As am blogging, who knows my tears running down my cheeks. Any improvement on dad's parkinson & dementia? Mother would always assured me dad's in good hands with nurses there to take care of him but I just couldn't.

Last night, cycling in the park & still I don't feel refreshed nor happy. Just like when am playing Sonic & the Black Knights wii games too. Am not what I'm used to be.

I had the impulse of going to ladies night, having lotsa whiskeys & shoters!! Dancing thru the night continuously just like when I used to be, non-stop! With my medical condition like this, can I drink? If I can't drink, what for I go disco. I really wanted to go back to the dance floor once again where I belong!

I received a fb msg from my friend whom I supposed she's long forgotten me, unless she needed listening ear. That's what she always did, citing that wanna meet me up. In fact, she's the one needing my attention. No one had really understand my condition & I don't really need that.

I had enough telling my bosses, colleagues. friends and yet, they still don't apprehend which makes me very frustrating! All I get is them telling me to snap out of it! Think I don't want, who wanna depression, not me either!

Starving myself won't do good to me also as I will have hypo symptoms. I really don't feel like eating at times & end up bingeing. Mother keep telling me to slim down, think I don't want?! I want to be slim so I can have more friends to hang out with & look pretty. I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!