Woke up from nightmare at 5 a.m. juz now, about me seeing "things" with a kid..something which I couldn't actually remember what it was about. A sudden feeling of being hopeless n future seems bleak that I went to the kitchen window & wanted to jump down from there. I was crying hysterically...I dunno why out of sudden there's an impulse inside to wanting to suicide! It's really horrible...I was trying to think of Mrs Tharman, my mother and father...that I later tried sitting down right n front of Goddess of Mercy & ancestors.
I couldnt stop crying...my mind was so confused & blank!! Deep inside struggling, I wanna die & end all, the other side no u shouldn't..think of so many ppl arnd u trying to help me..I cant let them down..when I asked Goddess of Mercy as today it's Buddha's birthday..whether I should go A&E? And I could feel it that it's telling me, yes, u should but deep inside I really dun wish to..I wont have freedom...every morning have to face so many doctors with all eyes on me! Then monitor whether finish the food on ur plate. Am not used to the transparent clothing...felt so naked in it..
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