I couldn't withhold myself, the suicidal thots & am in EXTREME low mood. Guess DD saw my FB msg, smsed me to call him when convenient. I replied telling him am in low mood to call him now. Even I missed DNE Sis Eunice call. I was in ladies crying hysterically again! Shity mood...
Very suicidal...dunno what to do. I gave Sis a call back, told her felt bad disturbing her coz I dun wanna depend on anyone...but she said it's alright. Wanted me to go A&E & called mom but I dun want. Tmr got appt with Dr Lee.
I've no appetite to eat hence Sis wanted me to at least drink something..I felt like gg to one fullerton side..now but cant get away..
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Weird
Yesterday I lost 1.5kgs when am taking in lotsa kcals?!! Impossible!!
Last night, dunno why, no apparrent reason, cried hysterically to slp. I did take my zoloft & lorazepam faithfully, why still like that? Heng xin ku ah...
I prepared pills in pill box already but forget to put inside my bag this morning...missed my BP, DB, migraine, vitamins meds!! SHIT!!!!
Shity mood now...how?
Here wounds there wounds, how to hide it manz!! -_-!! Ugly!!
Last night, dunno why, no apparrent reason, cried hysterically to slp. I did take my zoloft & lorazepam faithfully, why still like that? Heng xin ku ah...
I prepared pills in pill box already but forget to put inside my bag this morning...missed my BP, DB, migraine, vitamins meds!! SHIT!!!!
Shity mood now...how?
Here wounds there wounds, how to hide it manz!! -_-!! Ugly!!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Happenings
Morning woke up, ate 3 pieces of oat munchy biscuits for breakfast. Uncle William called up asked me again whether am gg to civil service college. OF COURSE!! Been looking fwd to it. Reached there quite early 15 mins before 9am.
Lecturer was K. L - Memory Power: Simple Techniques to Remembering More. Pissed off when he cited that one of his participants from prev class said MRT = Must Rub Together. V R(A) of him!! I asked why not Mentally Really Toot!
Before letting us go for tea break, asked everyone to stand up capped hands & said Thank you. There's carrot cake & so called garlic butter bread which is damn hard. I brought along my pkt of indocafe cappucino! Went back to class, asked us to do some exercises, damn lamed!! He mentioned the 2 muslim guys touching each other like v intimate way...becoz he himself is fantasing!!
Cant really concentrate in class oso!! SHIT!!
Lunch time, buona vista changed a lot! Wanted to have masala dosai at the new indian stall but was told they din hv it for lunch. Walk to hawker ctr above market, no place to sit, v humid n stuffy..I juz walked further into the row of shops till something caught my attn!! Lovely CAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's Purple Rose Cafe!! Had Tuxedo Truffle Mousse which really melts in my mouth & Agnus ginger beer for lunch only.
Walked back to class, not again, EXERCISE!! Want us to think, feddup, shouted at him, hey! we come here for course to relax, u pressurrized us by wanting us to THINK!! Am Mentally REally Tired, nap a while, hold my head..head heavy...heavy downpour with thunder...
At last, class over...took mrt to boon lay..called mother & said she's not feeling well & told me to hv dinner my own..I bought take-away sashimi don with salmon roe. Dunno what to eat..
Lecturer was K. L - Memory Power: Simple Techniques to Remembering More. Pissed off when he cited that one of his participants from prev class said MRT = Must Rub Together. V R(A) of him!! I asked why not Mentally Really Toot!
Before letting us go for tea break, asked everyone to stand up capped hands & said Thank you. There's carrot cake & so called garlic butter bread which is damn hard. I brought along my pkt of indocafe cappucino! Went back to class, asked us to do some exercises, damn lamed!! He mentioned the 2 muslim guys touching each other like v intimate way...becoz he himself is fantasing!!
Cant really concentrate in class oso!! SHIT!!
Lunch time, buona vista changed a lot! Wanted to have masala dosai at the new indian stall but was told they din hv it for lunch. Walk to hawker ctr above market, no place to sit, v humid n stuffy..I juz walked further into the row of shops till something caught my attn!! Lovely CAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's Purple Rose Cafe!! Had Tuxedo Truffle Mousse which really melts in my mouth & Agnus ginger beer for lunch only.
Walked back to class, not again, EXERCISE!! Want us to think, feddup, shouted at him, hey! we come here for course to relax, u pressurrized us by wanting us to THINK!! Am Mentally REally Tired, nap a while, hold my head..head heavy...heavy downpour with thunder...
At last, class over...took mrt to boon lay..called mother & said she's not feeling well & told me to hv dinner my own..I bought take-away sashimi don with salmon roe. Dunno what to eat..
Depressed but now feeling better
After dinner, mother mentioned to me that one of the china auntie whom she got to knw at taman jurong green whie exercising would like to meet me. Puzzled, asked why? Mother told me that auntie said that am big gal, shouldn't follow mummy everywhere. Should go venture on my own.
Anger was my very 1st reaction! Hey! Not that I wanted to follow u, it's u urself worried so much & being over protective that u wanna follow me everywhere! When I wanted to go disco so much to meet up my frens, u would agree initially but on the very day, u will find some excuses to prevent me from going out at all. Even if just makan or shopping, kept asking whom u gg out with & what time be back...dun stress me like that, mother!!
I went for shower & cried. Locked myself inside the room. Mother knocked on the door & I unlocked & she told me thought I wanted to go over MPS to look for R. I did went over, at least, I din regret gg over. Mother din follow, guess she's damn angry too.
Pulled fishbones to R & felt so much better. Dr Joshua, Mr Goh saw me...aiyo..Dr Joshua knew I wanted to see Mrs Tharman. Yes, passed her the article I wrote in to SHAPE which won me the POLAR sports watch.
Know what, I felt like running away from home, really...and maybe for good, who knows. If mother frowns for no apparrent reason or kept on making frustration noises, it really IRRITATES me a lot!!
Am very stressed up with finances & the rest...dun stress me up for small matters.
Anger was my very 1st reaction! Hey! Not that I wanted to follow u, it's u urself worried so much & being over protective that u wanna follow me everywhere! When I wanted to go disco so much to meet up my frens, u would agree initially but on the very day, u will find some excuses to prevent me from going out at all. Even if just makan or shopping, kept asking whom u gg out with & what time be back...dun stress me like that, mother!!
I went for shower & cried. Locked myself inside the room. Mother knocked on the door & I unlocked & she told me thought I wanted to go over MPS to look for R. I did went over, at least, I din regret gg over. Mother din follow, guess she's damn angry too.
Pulled fishbones to R & felt so much better. Dr Joshua, Mr Goh saw me...aiyo..Dr Joshua knew I wanted to see Mrs Tharman. Yes, passed her the article I wrote in to SHAPE which won me the POLAR sports watch.
Know what, I felt like running away from home, really...and maybe for good, who knows. If mother frowns for no apparrent reason or kept on making frustration noises, it really IRRITATES me a lot!!
Am very stressed up with finances & the rest...dun stress me up for small matters.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sudden jerk during slp
Lunchtime, took a nap, suddenly woke up from the jerk. As if fell off the chair, my head resting on the pillow. Could it be due to new stress - new project to do > 3000 & anxiety? Maybe shld bring up to Dr Lee & Prof Lo my neurologist.
Is this related to sleep disorder or what doctors normally termed it as "myoclonic epilepsy"? Of late, ringing sounds in my ear i sback! Irritating!!
Is this related to sleep disorder or what doctors normally termed it as "myoclonic epilepsy"? Of late, ringing sounds in my ear i sback! Irritating!!
V ANGRY W MYSELF
Ytd late afternoon till nite, took me a lot of effort completing the easter egg themed dwgs but this morning, to see that 2 of it kena destroyed! Blown to the floor & sticked together!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanna cry out le..........
PMS on sun actual, damn bored, dun feel like dng anything but had to do something to pass the day.
Tried making an enormous easter egg but turns out dunno look like clown or egg, damn it!! I re-designed to small petite size easter egg which looks kawaii ne!! Took photos of it but dunno wat reason, thumbdrive dropped on couch coz unable to find it inside my bag!! SHIT!!
Oh dear, my pants are tight!! HELP!!! Dr Lee, can go to ur 'bungalow' aka "Holistic Wellness Ctr" for a stay to help me slim down few kgs at least? hehe
PMS on sun actual, damn bored, dun feel like dng anything but had to do something to pass the day.
Tried making an enormous easter egg but turns out dunno look like clown or egg, damn it!! I re-designed to small petite size easter egg which looks kawaii ne!! Took photos of it but dunno wat reason, thumbdrive dropped on couch coz unable to find it inside my bag!! SHIT!!
Oh dear, my pants are tight!! HELP!!! Dr Lee, can go to ur 'bungalow' aka "Holistic Wellness Ctr" for a stay to help me slim down few kgs at least? hehe
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Juz completed some artworks
Bored, nothing to do, so empty..did some artworks..juz completed. Eyes strained tired & hands tired too coz of squeezing it hard to ensure ink is out to outline. Did 5 of Easter Day theme.
http://genyturquoise.blogspot.com/
http://genyturquoise.blogspot.com/
Dun feel good
as my period came. slept tll almost 12 noon...whole body v weak, no strength, migraine & pain all over the body! Aww..
I forgotten to take my meds...oh no!
Now taking all meds at a go just like when inpatient time, the muslim nurse gave me all meds at a go, never before nor after food when it's suppose to be. So far, didn't let my 'god mother' know abt it. Dun wanna make it big.
I forgotten to take my meds...oh no!
Now taking all meds at a go just like when inpatient time, the muslim nurse gave me all meds at a go, never before nor after food when it's suppose to be. So far, didn't let my 'god mother' know abt it. Dun wanna make it big.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
OBESITY
my goodness..am oredi so obese, there's other much more obese than I & she even ordered 2 sets of upsized macs meals!!! *fainted* My mother saw her 1st, notified me & I turned around, to my SHOCKING!!...then another 2 at taxi stand!! Can't even see their lines at their back of legs!! Mother n myself head shaking.. I see oredi, I dare not eat dinner tonite le
Went chinatown to see kitchen/ household stuffs at Sia Huat prev advertised by Chen Li Ping & Zhong Qin but things aint cheap at all but the pots n pans nice. We had one bak chang & shared green tea with red beans shavings for lunch.
Shopped at PS too, got ENDO pan, v value for money $9.90!! Had oyster mee sua & pork cutlet with mother & felt full for snack....
I really want to take lotsa detox pills right now!!
Went chinatown to see kitchen/ household stuffs at Sia Huat prev advertised by Chen Li Ping & Zhong Qin but things aint cheap at all but the pots n pans nice. We had one bak chang & shared green tea with red beans shavings for lunch.
Shopped at PS too, got ENDO pan, v value for money $9.90!! Had oyster mee sua & pork cutlet with mother & felt full for snack....
I really want to take lotsa detox pills right now!!
Friday, March 26, 2010
NHC MSW FANTASTIC manz!!
This morning had appt with NHC MSW Jessie whom studied psychology. I learnt from her colleague she's leaving again end of mar. Hence, I shared with her my hama beads designs I've made. I'm glad that I did! At one look, Jessie could ell which are the ones I 1st made, the few made around same time & colouring that reflects my mood & feelings!! She suggested that I wrote down the date I make & note down my mood. I made a star for her as she really deserves it. She made me feel close, open up to her & she's really very nice & friendly. Just that she had her family, married with a young little son & problems too..too bad, she's leaving. Otherwise, she'll be a very good psychologist too!!
I requested to have a photo take with her. To remind me of what she advised me. I will forever remember your kind advises & deeds. Jessie, all e best!
I requested to have a photo take with her. To remind me of what she advised me. I will forever remember your kind advises & deeds. Jessie, all e best!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Personality Disorder Test Result
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid Disorder: | Moderate |
| Schizoid Disorder: | Moderate |
| Schizotypal Disorder: | Moderate |
| Antisocial Disorder: | Low |
| Borderline Disorder: | Very High |
| Histrionic Disorder: | Moderate |
| Narcissistic Disorder: | Moderate |
| Avoidant Disorder: | High |
| Dependent Disorder: | Moderate |
| Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: | High |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders -- | |
Wannarexia
Googled around & came across a pvt forum on - Wannarexia, or anorexic yearning. Had a better understanding as recently I got to know a muslim lady whom is eh...much obese than myself in nature & claim that she suffers from AN. Guess she's much more of EDNOS switching AN - BN - BED. If she's a really AN, she will look skeleton just like my lil cousin whom in NTU oso seeing ED pdoc in SGH. :p
Maybe this muslim lady also falls under this CAT of Wannarexia huh..hee
Well, I gained 5kgs! HORRIBLE lor then luckily this morning a bit of weight loss. Why so greedy & as if got worm inside me, eating seaweed non-stop!!SHIT!! Stupido...eat zucchini or more cucumber then...vegs won't make u put on weight than oats, granola bars. Last night, teeth feel like munching, luckily I had choco meiji milk. Forgotten I had that for supper along with some cereals. Grr..so I just drank it like that & tucked myself in.
Maybe this muslim lady also falls under this CAT of Wannarexia huh..hee
Well, I gained 5kgs! HORRIBLE lor then luckily this morning a bit of weight loss. Why so greedy & as if got worm inside me, eating seaweed non-stop!!SHIT!! Stupido...eat zucchini or more cucumber then...vegs won't make u put on weight than oats, granola bars. Last night, teeth feel like munching, luckily I had choco meiji milk. Forgotten I had that for supper along with some cereals. Grr..so I just drank it like that & tucked myself in.
Mentally Really Tired
Today, nausea is making me look like a zombie. Last nite, I couldn't sleep well due to a number of night terror. Hey! This is the 3rd time that Dr Lee appeared in my nitemare!! :p
Aiyoyo...
Anyway, seeing Dr Lee on 1st Apr, Apr Fool's Day, heh heh.
Am so feeling dizzy thou still taking stemetil & nausea even with domperidone..how? Do I really need a real break? Sobz...SOS!! Tmr morning seeing Jessie for the last time at NHC & then proceed to LIFE for GYM time. Also to collect my medicines since I've been sick for 2 days & staying at home - guai guai de.
It's raining cats & dogs now. Am I stressing myself unconsciously? Sleepy...kept on gg to ladies & "d-loaded" lotsa times these few weeks le & am feeling very weak like a soft shell crab. I look ghastly!!
Aiyoyo...
Anyway, seeing Dr Lee on 1st Apr, Apr Fool's Day, heh heh.
Am so feeling dizzy thou still taking stemetil & nausea even with domperidone..how? Do I really need a real break? Sobz...SOS!! Tmr morning seeing Jessie for the last time at NHC & then proceed to LIFE for GYM time. Also to collect my medicines since I've been sick for 2 days & staying at home - guai guai de.
It's raining cats & dogs now. Am I stressing myself unconsciously? Sleepy...kept on gg to ladies & "d-loaded" lotsa times these few weeks le & am feeling very weak like a soft shell crab. I look ghastly!!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Stress up!
It's high time education needs review b4 all goes haywired. Rmb my time, oso lotsa activities. After class, help lecturers, tuition, CDAC, ECAs, debate, Fashion & Fabric ...juz to name a few. Where got own time to really rest. Moreover, now that there's so much even increment of activities in instituition..must excel in everything.
Once into working environment & head the house as solebreadwinner, ain't no easy task! Tough one!!
http://www.asiaone.com/News/Education/Story/A1Story20100323-206317.html
What e world is coming to?!
Once into working environment & head the house as solebreadwinner, ain't no easy task! Tough one!!
http://www.asiaone.com/News/Education/Story/A1Story20100323-206317.html
What e world is coming to?!
Hurt myself
while putting on my bermudas in bathroom!! My TOES!!! Pain till skin tore off, swollen & blue black that IMMEDIATELY & scratched my left leg accidently & damn long scratch marks!! Erk....
Am not well liked
By others coz am too obese! Ya, only slim pretty gals get attention get to go out with guys. Me like 'zai nu' staying at home facing 4 walls, 1 ceiling, 1 floor besides my laptop. What else I could do? I didn't go visit MPS for quite sometime already. Am tired of gg there & waited till over midnight & get to talk..it tires me out def.
A cookie affair & makan affair
Cookie affair at Orchard Central Ben & Jerry Free Cone Day 2010 23 Mar.
Next 313 B3 lunch makan at 2p.m. plus...rendang mutton $4.30, shared with mother...The guy gave me a lot!! Yummy-licious!!
Mother ordered tako balls - beef/ bacon & cheese flavours.
Wow! A collection of cute miniature wine @Paragon!
Look so haggard!! Stressed till unwell. -_-...Trying hard to smile. :p
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Aha...dungeon crab affair!!
The one on top persistent in turning the one right below but do u know? Both are actualy male crabs!! No wonder the one below DUN RESPONSE!!! LOL
Am too stress that doctor wants me to rest 2 days!
I was so unwell this morning when I woke up. Extreme heavy downpour, went to GP clinic & found that Dr Wong ain't in but relief Dr Quek. Nice friendly doctor whom also knw Dr Lee!! haha...Dr Quek even chatted & even counselled me for 15 mins that the clinic staff went in & took a look & look at the clock..
Was told that am too stressed that am unwell, wanted me to stay at hoe rest for 2 days n dun think about work.. :p I try...Given stemetel since I hv domperidone at home.
Was told that am too stressed that am unwell, wanted me to stay at hoe rest for 2 days n dun think about work.. :p I try...Given stemetel since I hv domperidone at home.
Ben & Jerry Free Cone Day
went orchard central for ben n jerry ice cream. weird is gtta Q from lvl 1 then they escort to lvl 8 where given a blue stick to exhange for it.. had 4 scoops..this time th cone not crunchy n eggy enuf...like the macadamia n cookies...asked the staff to take a pic for me too n send to me..hehe
Monday, March 22, 2010
ED, vitamins, minerals ...
http://www.something-fishy.org/dangers/vitamins.php
My skin dunno why of late, itchy for no reason n red patch appear n gone before I could let doctor examine.
Wanted to give Dr Lee a call but afraid she's too busy. Ya, she'll be away for overseas conference, anyway, should be alright, huh? Since seeing me on 1st Apr? Stay koolz & funky yeah...lol :p
My skin dunno why of late, itchy for no reason n red patch appear n gone before I could let doctor examine.
Wanted to give Dr Lee a call but afraid she's too busy. Ya, she'll be away for overseas conference, anyway, should be alright, huh? Since seeing me on 1st Apr? Stay koolz & funky yeah...lol :p
FEVERISH, wanna vomit...feeling weak like soft shell crab
Been feverish, wanna vomit, headache & tingling sensation on hands for few days oredi..argh!!!!!!
Urine hvg funni smell too..eeks! Felt so weak just like soft shell crab!
Easily irritable & agitation! Grrrrrrrrrrrr See blue auras of lights too!!
Zoloft, Pfizer http://www.pfizer.com/products/rx/rx_product_zoloft.jsp
Lorazepam, Ativan http://www.emedicinehealth.com/drug-lorazepam_oral/article_em.htm
Urine hvg funni smell too..eeks! Felt so weak just like soft shell crab!
Easily irritable & agitation! Grrrrrrrrrrrr See blue auras of lights too!!
Zoloft, Pfizer http://www.pfizer.com/products/rx/rx_product_zoloft.jsp
Lorazepam, Ativan http://www.emedicinehealth.com/drug-lorazepam_oral/article_em.htm
Ben & Jerry Free Cone Day 23 MAr 2010
It's time for free cone day by Ben & Jerry on 23 Mar 2010.
Participating Outlets (12pm to 7pm)
VivoCity, The Cathay, Orchard Central, United Square, Great World City, SIngapore Zoo, Jurong Bird Park
Note: Ben & Jerry's at Jurong Bird Park & Singapore Zoo finish at 5pm.
http://www.benjerry.com.sg/freeconeday10/shops.php
Participating Outlets (12pm to 7pm)
VivoCity, The Cathay, Orchard Central, United Square, Great World City, SIngapore Zoo, Jurong Bird Park
Note: Ben & Jerry's at Jurong Bird Park & Singapore Zoo finish at 5pm.
http://www.benjerry.com.sg/freeconeday10/shops.php
Diet for depression??
Hmm, so far there ain't any specific diet for depression. However, one can do some lifestyle changes to ease symptoms of depression.
Dietary changes can affect brain sructure chemically & physiologically.
-Nutrients: Vitamins, minerals, carbohydrates, protein & even a minimal amount of fat. lol...
-Take essential antioxidants like beta-carotene & vitamin C, E & calcium with vitamin D.
-Good carbs such as breads, cereal, pasta increases level of serotonin in the brain, hence a calming effect with decreased anxiety.
-Limit sugary stuffs, go for smart carbs like wholegrains, fruits, vegetables, legumes especially bananas, cauliflower & brocolli.
-Tuna & salmon contains good omega 3 fatty acids.
-Sources of proteins that boosts alertness come from: soy products, peas, lean beef, low-fat cheese, fish, milk, poultry.
-Avoid caffein as much as possible. Tea contains higher level of caffein after brewed!
-Last but not least, exercise to feel good. :p
All the above are just for sharing purpose only. Please consult your doctor for any medical conditions.
Dietary changes can affect brain sructure chemically & physiologically.
-Nutrients: Vitamins, minerals, carbohydrates, protein & even a minimal amount of fat. lol...
-Take essential antioxidants like beta-carotene & vitamin C, E & calcium with vitamin D.
-Good carbs such as breads, cereal, pasta increases level of serotonin in the brain, hence a calming effect with decreased anxiety.
-Limit sugary stuffs, go for smart carbs like wholegrains, fruits, vegetables, legumes especially bananas, cauliflower & brocolli.
-Tuna & salmon contains good omega 3 fatty acids.
-Sources of proteins that boosts alertness come from: soy products, peas, lean beef, low-fat cheese, fish, milk, poultry.
-Avoid caffein as much as possible. Tea contains higher level of caffein after brewed!
-Last but not least, exercise to feel good. :p
All the above are just for sharing purpose only. Please consult your doctor for any medical conditions.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Sunday...
Went to JP with mother, I had my so called brunch at macs at 12 nn, ordered sausage mcgriddles with egg n ice milo. Then mother went to have fish soup noodle while I rush to ladies to dl...oh no..diarhea...stomach hurts n nausea. I went home, took lacteol forte, domperidone & rehydrating salt as I'm very dehydrated after so much of dl-ing & felt extremely unusual tiredness....I could feel tingling numbness in my hands of late..dunno what happened. Period was so heavy it hurts me so badly that I cant go to work & need rest a lot & cry for no reason. Few strands of long dark hairs noticeable on my legs. What happened?
Went to bed to rest for a while, then played wii resort sports table tennis return challenge with mother. Broke record, I scored 182!! Whee......!
Went to bed to rest for a while, then played wii resort sports table tennis return challenge with mother. Broke record, I scored 182!! Whee......!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Kept feeling famished today
Wonder y today kept on feeling so famished that I ended up eating a lot much more!! Atlas woke up at 11.30 am after gg back to slp after few woke ups in the early morning. Had lunch at home, then snack at 3.45 p.m. then dinner fish with brown rice porridge at 6.20 p.m. Before snck at 9p.m. oredi feeling hungry...took 4 pkts of biscuits...then followed with soy beans...egg...cereal oats.......oh dear...am so overloaded!! SHIT!! Tmr must go for exercise if weather dun rain like today....
GUILTY!!! SINFUL!!!!!! CANT FORGIVE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AM SUCH A LETDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GUILTY!!! SINFUL!!!!!! CANT FORGIVE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AM SUCH A LETDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Insonmia - More news & info
http://health.asiaone.com/Health/Wellness%2B%2540%2BWork/Story/A1Story20100312-204251/2.html
http://health.asiaone.com/Health/Wellness%2B%2540%2BWork/Story/A1Story20100312-204249.html
http://health.asiaone.com/Health/Wellness%2B%2540%2BWork/Story/A1Story20100318-205387/6.html
Am so afraid I will hooked to lorazepam too. Recently, I also felt unbalanced when walking, almost fall on my back.
http://health.asiaone.com/Health/Wellness%2B%2540%2BWork/Story/A1Story20100312-204249.html
http://health.asiaone.com/Health/Wellness%2B%2540%2BWork/Story/A1Story20100318-205387/6.html
Am so afraid I will hooked to lorazepam too. Recently, I also felt unbalanced when walking, almost fall on my back.
LIFE Ctr
Went to LIFE for gym session, hfway thru my bike, I had to rush to ladies to dl. Wonder whats happening today, since morning, I've been visitng toilet umpteem times that I felt so sore. OUCH!! Sweat a lot at gy n tired but felt refreshed. Reached home at 8p.m. for dinner. So tired that decided to take bus 174 to boon lay interchange n took bus 240 way back.
Nights terror of being xxx
For past 2 mths, been experiencing night terrors of me being sexually assaulted, rape or naked! This is very DISTURBING! Reminds me of when I lived in old hse, bathroom door is a metal piece with a stretch of space exposed at the hinge side. One day, I saw my younger brother (5 yrs my junior, he's in kindergarden) peeping at me while I was in shower! I screamed & told my mother but she won't believe me!! I was being peeped umpteen times till finally, I had to use my bathroom towel to cover up at the door hinge. Atlas, my mother caught him doing so while she was showering too..that was only when mother choose to believe me.
Younger brother used to sleep with us in a room, guess what he did to me? He gropped my breasts & snapped off my bra while I was soundly asleep which woke me up from my sleep. It was horrible experience with hvg such a younger brother.
When he's in his teens (before he moved out of the hse), he took my panties to wear! I was curious as to why my panties suddenly not enough. We checked his wardrobe, to find my panties stained with his ejaculated semen!! Aww...........SICKENING!
Before I turned 16, I was molested by a woman which I later got to knw she's a lesbian. Thinking back, how naive & innocent I was at that time. We met thru internet, (I used to hang at internet cafe) meet up for movie & coffee. The day before was hvg flu but managed to meet her up at tiong bahru plaza GV. I was told she's 30 yrs oldbut whenI saw her, she's like >45yrs old. She worked in ZOUK as housekeeper, her name card stated there.
During the movie, I fell asleep as I was very drowsy after taken the flu medicine. After which, felt something carassing my hands & went beneath my sweater, skirt! Pelvic & down there was touched!! Woke up from shocked!! She dared to tell me how soft I was to her touch!! I quickly excused myself to ladies but she followed me right behind. Even asked why I leave her alone there. I made excuses I wanted to go home & she still mentioned she wanted to go out with me some other day again. Deep in my heart, NO! NOT AGAIN, NEVER!! I was so scared that I didn't let my mother know. I didn't know what to do at that time. -_-!!
2nd time, this time round happened at Tiong Bahru Plaza again! It was few days later after I was newly discharged from p.ward. I went there to have lunch. Before I approached the escalator to level 2, I could felt someone v close right behind me& the very next moment, a man's hands touching my side breasts!! I freaked out, turn to look at the man. He's tall around my height, greasy hair, wearing something like uniform of a cleaner. He apologized & walked toward the gents. I was stunned & broke down which later I made report to the information counter & was told to go Cantoment to make police report.
Weeks later, I was told the security camera didn't filmed anyone near me! How could this be!! Unless there's no camera nexr that area!! They didnt catch the molester!! I was very angry!!
Till now, I dare not go for r/s thou I wanted to have someone to love me. Last time, a cisco guard intro his fren who worked at watsons warehouse 35 yrs old, juzt a few yrs my senior. Exchanged hps, I let him to call me when he had passed my sms test. But the very first time he called me,he asked me which masque I bought from watson, is it the one for massaging breasts!! SICKENING guy!! Still wanted to bring me out for jap cuisine, NO WAY! I ended the phone immediately & next day, told the cisco guard. Cisco guard apologized for the incidence & that he didn't know his long time fren is like this pervert.
Remember one nice handsome guy who is rich but much younger than I am, asked me to be his gf but as he knw my background, he respected my decision. He always bring me to restaurants & even when I told him I cant accept his love. Asked if I could give him a hug & a kiss, I allowed. We parted but still keep in touch. After we parted, one wkend, I was walking at bugis the other side where fish n co was, he saw me there!! I seldom walked that direction, it was like SO COINCIDENCE!! He gave me a treat but I shared with him.
The next time was we met at IPAM!! The beautiful colleagues asking him, how he got to know me..haha He's such a prince charming, no gals can resist it. He did told me before he got lotsa gfs gg to his hse. Eh, honesty doesn't mean anything, it's more like, see, I told you, I've lotsa gfs. Aha...
Maybe becoz of these, I could have confusion in identity?
Am really very fatigue, headache, painful...argh...
Younger brother used to sleep with us in a room, guess what he did to me? He gropped my breasts & snapped off my bra while I was soundly asleep which woke me up from my sleep. It was horrible experience with hvg such a younger brother.
When he's in his teens (before he moved out of the hse), he took my panties to wear! I was curious as to why my panties suddenly not enough. We checked his wardrobe, to find my panties stained with his ejaculated semen!! Aww...........SICKENING!
Before I turned 16, I was molested by a woman which I later got to knw she's a lesbian. Thinking back, how naive & innocent I was at that time. We met thru internet, (I used to hang at internet cafe) meet up for movie & coffee. The day before was hvg flu but managed to meet her up at tiong bahru plaza GV. I was told she's 30 yrs oldbut whenI saw her, she's like >45yrs old. She worked in ZOUK as housekeeper, her name card stated there.
During the movie, I fell asleep as I was very drowsy after taken the flu medicine. After which, felt something carassing my hands & went beneath my sweater, skirt! Pelvic & down there was touched!! Woke up from shocked!! She dared to tell me how soft I was to her touch!! I quickly excused myself to ladies but she followed me right behind. Even asked why I leave her alone there. I made excuses I wanted to go home & she still mentioned she wanted to go out with me some other day again. Deep in my heart, NO! NOT AGAIN, NEVER!! I was so scared that I didn't let my mother know. I didn't know what to do at that time. -_-!!
2nd time, this time round happened at Tiong Bahru Plaza again! It was few days later after I was newly discharged from p.ward. I went there to have lunch. Before I approached the escalator to level 2, I could felt someone v close right behind me& the very next moment, a man's hands touching my side breasts!! I freaked out, turn to look at the man. He's tall around my height, greasy hair, wearing something like uniform of a cleaner. He apologized & walked toward the gents. I was stunned & broke down which later I made report to the information counter & was told to go Cantoment to make police report.
Weeks later, I was told the security camera didn't filmed anyone near me! How could this be!! Unless there's no camera nexr that area!! They didnt catch the molester!! I was very angry!!
Till now, I dare not go for r/s thou I wanted to have someone to love me. Last time, a cisco guard intro his fren who worked at watsons warehouse 35 yrs old, juzt a few yrs my senior. Exchanged hps, I let him to call me when he had passed my sms test. But the very first time he called me,he asked me which masque I bought from watson, is it the one for massaging breasts!! SICKENING guy!! Still wanted to bring me out for jap cuisine, NO WAY! I ended the phone immediately & next day, told the cisco guard. Cisco guard apologized for the incidence & that he didn't know his long time fren is like this pervert.
Remember one nice handsome guy who is rich but much younger than I am, asked me to be his gf but as he knw my background, he respected my decision. He always bring me to restaurants & even when I told him I cant accept his love. Asked if I could give him a hug & a kiss, I allowed. We parted but still keep in touch. After we parted, one wkend, I was walking at bugis the other side where fish n co was, he saw me there!! I seldom walked that direction, it was like SO COINCIDENCE!! He gave me a treat but I shared with him.
The next time was we met at IPAM!! The beautiful colleagues asking him, how he got to know me..haha He's such a prince charming, no gals can resist it. He did told me before he got lotsa gfs gg to his hse. Eh, honesty doesn't mean anything, it's more like, see, I told you, I've lotsa gfs. Aha...
Maybe becoz of these, I could have confusion in identity?
Am really very fatigue, headache, painful...argh...
I miss my grandmother too much
Ytd night, gg to bed, thinking of my grandmother & I couldn't hold my tears & cried out. Yes, I really miss my grandmother very much. It has been 20 yrs, time flies fast. Vividly, one morning when I was in sec 1, ironing my clothes. Phone rang, I took the call & was to ask mother to the phone.
Viewing from outside the master bedroom, I could sense something is wrong, mother was crying. Initially, she don't intend to let me know as I was young. I prompted mother till she released demise of grandmother news to me. I was like too shocked for any words. It was exam time & was nearing sch holidays. Planned to go spring leaf height where grandmother lives with 3rd uncle's family to visit her but ...she was pronounced dead. She was sitting on the arm chair ion living room chanting sutras & passed away peacefully.
Up till now, I still couldn't accept it. Actual lunar date is "2 yue chu 3", I rmb english date 6th Mar.
Here's the story goes, I attended 4 days of classes in K1 & K2, on fridays, mother will bring me along to dakota crescent to stay with grandmother. Mother wants to take care of grandmother & she won't feel lonely too. When it's time to part, both of us are unwilling & we cried. Sun's night the time taking cab home as it waslate, next day morning I had to attend class. Teacher was unhappy that time, citing it will affect my studies & esp my chinese lessons. Mother felt otherwise since I can score well in the exams. Somehow or rather, my mandarin is affected during sec sch time. That explains my mandarin is "pte ltd".
The times when outing with grandmother was nice, gg to zoo, sentosa, shopping, celebrating her birthday at "5 yue hua" and I always keep a lookout for the push carts for dim sums..haha Har Gow, Siew Mai...and I could wallop few bowls of century egg porridge, almond desert too.
I still can remember how my grandmother looks like, I even keep her photos. Am not scare at all. During the mths, when she just passed away, grandmother came into my dream. I wanted to follow her but she told me I must stay alive. That happened quite frequently.
Yesterday, mother went to the temple to pay respects to grandmother, mother kept getting 'bou bui". Till she asked grandmother, is it becoz she misses me "fragrance baby", the it really turns out "sheng bui"!! Mother told grandmother that she'll bring me to pay respects to her when am free of appts.
Looking forward to it but afraid I might not be able to hold my tears whenever I wanna say things to grandmother. I've got the chemistry feeling grandmother misses me even before mother went to the temple.
Viewing from outside the master bedroom, I could sense something is wrong, mother was crying. Initially, she don't intend to let me know as I was young. I prompted mother till she released demise of grandmother news to me. I was like too shocked for any words. It was exam time & was nearing sch holidays. Planned to go spring leaf height where grandmother lives with 3rd uncle's family to visit her but ...she was pronounced dead. She was sitting on the arm chair ion living room chanting sutras & passed away peacefully.
Up till now, I still couldn't accept it. Actual lunar date is "2 yue chu 3", I rmb english date 6th Mar.
Here's the story goes, I attended 4 days of classes in K1 & K2, on fridays, mother will bring me along to dakota crescent to stay with grandmother. Mother wants to take care of grandmother & she won't feel lonely too. When it's time to part, both of us are unwilling & we cried. Sun's night the time taking cab home as it waslate, next day morning I had to attend class. Teacher was unhappy that time, citing it will affect my studies & esp my chinese lessons. Mother felt otherwise since I can score well in the exams. Somehow or rather, my mandarin is affected during sec sch time. That explains my mandarin is "pte ltd".
The times when outing with grandmother was nice, gg to zoo, sentosa, shopping, celebrating her birthday at "5 yue hua" and I always keep a lookout for the push carts for dim sums..haha Har Gow, Siew Mai...and I could wallop few bowls of century egg porridge, almond desert too.
I still can remember how my grandmother looks like, I even keep her photos. Am not scare at all. During the mths, when she just passed away, grandmother came into my dream. I wanted to follow her but she told me I must stay alive. That happened quite frequently.
Yesterday, mother went to the temple to pay respects to grandmother, mother kept getting 'bou bui". Till she asked grandmother, is it becoz she misses me "fragrance baby", the it really turns out "sheng bui"!! Mother told grandmother that she'll bring me to pay respects to her when am free of appts.
Looking forward to it but afraid I might not be able to hold my tears whenever I wanna say things to grandmother. I've got the chemistry feeling grandmother misses me even before mother went to the temple.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Fragrance baby missed by grandmother
Today is my maternal grandmother's memorial day. Mother mentioned few days back, wonder is it today & I told her, if it was, I will be able to apply leave to accompany her & oso to pray grandmother as it's been many yrs since last we went. It's at race course road.
Mother said she had a feeling to attend this time & I told her too that I had a feeling grandmother misses me too. However, I had too much appts, mcs & leaves this mth. When I'm back home from work, mother told me, grandmother misses me (fragrance baby) when she enquired is it becoz she misses me.
See when, I must make time to visit grandmother. I oso miss my grandmother very much whom passed away when I was in sec 1 & was hvg exams t that point of time.
Mother said she had a feeling to attend this time & I told her too that I had a feeling grandmother misses me too. However, I had too much appts, mcs & leaves this mth. When I'm back home from work, mother told me, grandmother misses me (fragrance baby) when she enquired is it becoz she misses me.
See when, I must make time to visit grandmother. I oso miss my grandmother very much whom passed away when I was in sec 1 & was hvg exams t that point of time.
Psychiatrist & Psychologist Humour
http://www.workjoke.com/psychologists-and-psychiatrists-jokes.html
Just discovered this page, some are humourous enough to brighten my day, some are just so lame. Anyway, share with all if u come across my blog, happy reading. haha :p
Just discovered this page, some are humourous enough to brighten my day, some are just so lame. Anyway, share with all if u come across my blog, happy reading. haha :p
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Wassup for today
Today went SGH, no appetite, still recovering from ytd gastric flu. If I dun eat something before health assessment by Eric, my snr physio, later he dun lemme exercise. Hence, bought cury chicken set, ahem, norm I dun fancy chicken...I'm on fish, meat n veges a lot! But hor, this coffee toast curry chicken damn nice!! Not so oily too, drank a glass of plum lime juice.
At LIFE, while waiting for Yati whom I knwn from depnet, YP & S were there!! After that, saw MH & even MZ!! MZ looks so much better, at 1st I thought I saw a familiar face then, later she came over & waved to me. Elated to see her in good shape. Kevin saw me & enquired abt the mtg wth HR...he's very caring, fatherly too.
Before exercise, took munchy oat bisuits 1st as it's my snack time, 3p.m.
So far, fair ok at LIFE gym. Yati really v depressed & even told me she's AN when I saw her in pax, it;s like not AN, coz shes not underweight but more of BN coz she's oso fat. She's seen by Dr Sandy whom wanna ward her. Yup, coz I knw she cut herself twice with penknife fter work & even purge after meal...
Felt like an ED gathering today at LIFE...lol....happy to see them.
At LIFE, while waiting for Yati whom I knwn from depnet, YP & S were there!! After that, saw MH & even MZ!! MZ looks so much better, at 1st I thought I saw a familiar face then, later she came over & waved to me. Elated to see her in good shape. Kevin saw me & enquired abt the mtg wth HR...he's very caring, fatherly too.
Before exercise, took munchy oat bisuits 1st as it's my snack time, 3p.m.
So far, fair ok at LIFE gym. Yati really v depressed & even told me she's AN when I saw her in pax, it;s like not AN, coz shes not underweight but more of BN coz she's oso fat. She's seen by Dr Sandy whom wanna ward her. Yup, coz I knw she cut herself twice with penknife fter work & even purge after meal...
Felt like an ED gathering today at LIFE...lol....happy to see them.
Today
I couldn't fall asleep last night & manz! Gastric, nausea, dizzy, pain all over & it's like am not my usual too besides my mood juz like this - which I've just made with the rest of hama designs. See photos at http://genyturquoise.blogspot.com/
Critical
Sometimes I wonder, when am so depressed, yet I could still offer comfort to someone else, makes me feel better as if I've accomplished something. with mission on earth? Is this what Buddha wanna put me thru.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Had gastric flu
this morn, dun feel usual self, felt feverish n nausea, dizzy n migraine worsen. Dragged to see GP Dr Wong & OMG!! She's slim down & look so much prettier in her light green dress. Mind u, she's married with many children..Then her electrifying eyes look at me!!
Told her my symptoms & she said Come and took my hand to take blood pressure & her hand on top of my arm, as if wanting to suppress me. Then she look again at me, scoped me everywhere on my chest & I felt uncomfortable with her big assests revealing at me!! Am so paisey!!! Not just cleavage hor, her dress in front slitted v low..hence can view. Aiyo..I turned my head away.
Dr Wong asked me if I got taken breakfast..I told her ya..then she smiled at me, saying must eat, okie..coz am diabetic. Dun skip meals...hehe. :p Diagnosed gastric flu then she pressed my neck..dunno for what?? Am puzzled.
Told her my symptoms & she said Come and took my hand to take blood pressure & her hand on top of my arm, as if wanting to suppress me. Then she look again at me, scoped me everywhere on my chest & I felt uncomfortable with her big assests revealing at me!! Am so paisey!!! Not just cleavage hor, her dress in front slitted v low..hence can view. Aiyo..I turned my head away.
Dr Wong asked me if I got taken breakfast..I told her ya..then she smiled at me, saying must eat, okie..coz am diabetic. Dun skip meals...hehe. :p Diagnosed gastric flu then she pressed my neck..dunno for what?? Am puzzled.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Discussion outcome
Still remains as usual, asked by HR what they can do to help me. Am financially strapped. What the idea of asking me to sell my 4room flat to downgrade to smaller, think we never thought of it. Duhz! Think as if so easy, nowadays buying resale flat pose risk as the previous owner could have own loan sharks, how are we going to find out it's ok to buy. Moreover, resales flats not cheap at all. Even new ones, are extremely small & expensive. Even if were to sell, we had to move stuffs & it will take tolls on my mother & myself. I feddup & raised voice, IT"S NOT THAT AS EASY AS U SEE IT TO BE! I broke down in tears.
Later she ask rent out, we did wanna rent out but no one wants. Say our house run down, not nice. Keep asking me to come early by mrt which is out of question, extremely crowded in the morning already at 6 a.m. coz mrt go to Joo Koon before Boon Lay. Said is easier than done. Unless, u dun mind me coming to work late lor by bus but 198 alone will take 2 hrs.
Mentioned they kept trying to ask for other assistance but PA dun qualify..I told I knw oredi when yrs back, our lakeside family snr social worker helped us apply for it. Whatever, they think it's so easy, end up saying u have to help urself. Said equals to no say. Asked me left how much savings in bank..$2K, how u wanna help me? Never say..Then she said she'll find out if sell house, how it will affect msw n other financial assistance!
Told me she contacted Dr Lee HY personally via email about my medical report to see how they can help me.
Later she ask rent out, we did wanna rent out but no one wants. Say our house run down, not nice. Keep asking me to come early by mrt which is out of question, extremely crowded in the morning already at 6 a.m. coz mrt go to Joo Koon before Boon Lay. Said is easier than done. Unless, u dun mind me coming to work late lor by bus but 198 alone will take 2 hrs.
Mentioned they kept trying to ask for other assistance but PA dun qualify..I told I knw oredi when yrs back, our lakeside family snr social worker helped us apply for it. Whatever, they think it's so easy, end up saying u have to help urself. Said equals to no say. Asked me left how much savings in bank..$2K, how u wanna help me? Never say..Then she said she'll find out if sell house, how it will affect msw n other financial assistance!
Told me she contacted Dr Lee HY personally via email about my medical report to see how they can help me.
Which plans are better to ensure sure proof one?
Popping lotsa different poison drugs or drinking dettol? Dettol had a damn pissed off smell & I wonder how they managed to drink it? At that point of time, feeling too hopeless to even taste what it's like, right? Whom do I actually live for & for what purpose? Find it meaningless...just drag on for days & days.
Weigh myself daily day n night, got angry with myself loathe myself when weight never goes down. Can I drink alchohol with my med to make it fatal? What am I thinking of?
Weigh myself daily day n night, got angry with myself loathe myself when weight never goes down. Can I drink alchohol with my med to make it fatal? What am I thinking of?
Outsiders think so easy to get out of depression
Ya, I know being concerned abt me getting well but outsiders u dunno it's not as easy as ABC to recover. Sighz..later afternoon gg with snr mgr to see HR mgr. My concern now is financial, what can they help me? It's not the 1st time we talk about oredi! Am tired of it & I have to show a smiley face somemore.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Next door neighbour needs to see psychiatrist
Oh no! Next door neighbour that auntie ah yen is screaming at the top of her voice again that I could hear her from my living room with my TV so loud. Guess she oso need to see my psychiatrist Dr Lee. She will outta sudden scream her top at her family & last time told us her son got "paper" mental illness. Rayson oredi in his teens studying in ITE this yr, he's o much well behaved compared when he was younger. Suppose ay yen auntie needs to go SWC - sayang wellness ctr. Almost everyday, hear her screams made me feel like shouting back at her to SHUT UP!
Am v extraordinary OBESE!
Mother kept saying juz now my ED frens all v skinny n slim whereas me extraordinary OBESE!! Think I dun wanna slim meh?? I eat less, u say me, I eat more, u oso say me! What u want from me then? Kept saying dunno the gals doing, since knwing will be warded, why not eat? Duhz!! Come on, mother! It's not simple as it seems to be, alright! Citing if one pax got depression, then better dun married & give birth...since it's inheritance. Wanted to rebuke, same for me, since u recently mentioned that my paternal grandfather does have depression. So dun go n advertise for me to get me a bf!!
Today how
last night couldnt fall asleep & ended up got gastric, nausea, dizziness n headache. ARGH!!!!!!! Juz now, to pass time, did some hama beads design which are available for viewing at Turquoise Artworks http://www.facebook.com/editalbum.php?aid=181910&add=1&id=307637113053&__a=6&htmlup=1#!/pages/Turquoise-Artworks/307637113053
Feddup! Juz unable to upload my moody smiley!! Duhz!!
Am stick to facebook almost whole day long daily...considered OCD? hmm...oh well
Weather is extremely humid tll I could feel extreme dryness pain on my face, applied moisturizer but still feel the pain. Hair loss oso...-_-
Feddup! Juz unable to upload my moody smiley!! Duhz!!
Am stick to facebook almost whole day long daily...considered OCD? hmm...oh well
Weather is extremely humid tll I could feel extreme dryness pain on my face, applied moisturizer but still feel the pain. Hair loss oso...-_-
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Missed calls
Oh no, wonder whose calls I've missed on fri, whole day out with appts, din bring my ofc hp with me. When am off, surely cam hp with me. Forget to divert calls oso. Anyway, caller id is withheld. Wait n see if Nana got call me or not, if not, just let my med go on leave lor. keke...being 'nottie'...I wanted to have my whiskey oso..whahahaha...drown my sorrows. I won't drink a lot coz am not in disco..unless I go party for ladies night & I could drink a lot...lol....talking abt it, am THIRSTY! :p
Went cycling
at the park juz now n exercise for an hr wearing my POLAR FA20 won by writing success story. It was windy & many ppl at the park. Groups of teens bbq there playing music too.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Everything that went wrong
This morning, before I go out, discovered that my bank card lost!! I cant even withdraw cash now...am stuck. Reported lost. Took cab to SPH to collect my POLAR watch prize, luckily, no bus goes in n even taxi nowhere to be seen. Am fortunate to got one coming in n took to SGH. Seeing dietician & NHC cardiologist.
I was at LIFE & asked muslim lady if she's Nana & bingo. I told her Dr Lee on overseas conference leave then my med oso on leave. Took her 2nd time then she asked me meds enough? Nope, then she said she'll inform Dr Lee n give me a call or leave med with Eric when I had appt with him next wed.
Seen by Teo Soo Lay & informed that Pauline no longer in the team. Soo smile n dun wanna smile, 1st time see me, know what she said in front of me? See you oredi 'tao hin'. Didn't benefit from her & when she weigh me, she stood from her sat only, din asked me to empty my pocket..anyway, dun make much difference as I know I've put on weight. Soo said I take Glucerna SR after breakfast n lunch if feel like binge...4 scoops n banana.. Say see me same day as Dr Lee but counter staff told me clinic dietician on mon, wed n fri only. Well, I dunno..whatever..I dun feel like going for dietician anymore.
At NHC, seen by Dr Kenneth, v handsome...he asked me how am I...told him, am in v low mood..no mood for anything..then he said then this might help me..my heart is in v good condition, can exercise.hee...ok lah...glad to hear my heart is good.
I was at LIFE & asked muslim lady if she's Nana & bingo. I told her Dr Lee on overseas conference leave then my med oso on leave. Took her 2nd time then she asked me meds enough? Nope, then she said she'll inform Dr Lee n give me a call or leave med with Eric when I had appt with him next wed.
Seen by Teo Soo Lay & informed that Pauline no longer in the team. Soo smile n dun wanna smile, 1st time see me, know what she said in front of me? See you oredi 'tao hin'. Didn't benefit from her & when she weigh me, she stood from her sat only, din asked me to empty my pocket..anyway, dun make much difference as I know I've put on weight. Soo said I take Glucerna SR after breakfast n lunch if feel like binge...4 scoops n banana.. Say see me same day as Dr Lee but counter staff told me clinic dietician on mon, wed n fri only. Well, I dunno..whatever..I dun feel like going for dietician anymore.
At NHC, seen by Dr Kenneth, v handsome...he asked me how am I...told him, am in v low mood..no mood for anything..then he said then this might help me..my heart is in v good condition, can exercise.hee...ok lah...glad to hear my heart is good.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Dad's condition worsening
Mother came back from visit to Apex Harmony Lodge, informed by nurse from doctor to bring dad to see specialist on his parkinson as it's worsening. Dad's neck is dropping a lot & dad even apologised to mother about chasing her go home everytime she visits him. !st time ever, daddy apologised to mummy! Previously, we told them about his follow-up at TTSH but was told no worry as they have specialised doctors there. Now this is what we learnt, anyway, we're running out of cash soon. I don't even know for sure. My mood ain't good at all. Received letter from SGH that Dr Lee will be on overseas conference leave, hence seeing me on 1st Apr. Hmm..Apr fool's day?! I bought ocean health fat burner extra, hopefully burn my fats which my weight accumulating due to my binge.
Episodes of bingeing
Yesterday went Kuriya & had buffet, wanting to eat the nice ginseng scallop porridge but end up I ate a lot, cant control myself & I was like extremely bloated & felt so sick. I went to arcarde catch toys - catcher types but tough luck. I walk around before went home to sleep. Went to bank to withdraw cash to see not much left already. What else can I do? SOS!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Very unwell
Dunno why today, dun feel very well & my migraine worsen. Couldnt take it anymore, msged mgr that am taking 1/2 day leave to rest at home. Felt so bloated, nausea n dunno what words to describe my feelings. Went home sleep till 6 something in the evening, waking up to washroom. Had team fish n brown rice porridge. Told mother that bank is running out of money, wonder can survive or not. Sad to see it's delepeting. I took med for gas n prospan, minutes later, went to toilet to 'dl'. Felt so much light but it's so stinko n black!! Yucks!!
This morn, mgr came over talk abt staff exit clearance, wonder which is which said I could I do more than that...whatever...
This morn, mgr came over talk abt staff exit clearance, wonder which is which said I could I do more than that...whatever...
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Extremely bad mood
past few weeks, been i extremely bad mood. Esp today, had the impulse to go seoul garden to indulge in the variety of food!! Feeling damn frustrated, sad n down...went there, had the meat one piece each & it's much more than my official portion, took lalas...yong tau foo, few big slices of fish...5 slices of brownies, 6 scoops of ice creams, had some spaghetti n crackers...after a while, there's group of tourists n couples or friends groups..one couple sat beside me.
His gf is about my size & when I saw how she piled up her plate full of meats, seafood n others & the ay she ate really made me felt so SICK & feel like vomitting, thats when I had enough & signalled to th uncle to clear my stuffs. Walked to paragon to get stuffs from growing fun. After which, I went to SGH for my appt with Kevin. It was still early at 2.30p.m anw, I registered 1st, went to LIFE to relax n there met Florence Chiang.
My turn to come, hd a long session with Kevin. Told me to remember to tell Dr Lee abt my suicidal thots, bingeing (told me to call Pauline), whether can take alcohol n abt my medication. Hmm..I did purge at times but not much except I took B&H pills SHAPE tea to detox.
Whenever at home, cant tolerate mother how she reacts most of the times by sighing & angry for no reason. Sometimes I talk to her nicely but she got angry oso. Always say I took med get easily agitated but she oso need to see psychiatrist which lotsa doctors told her so it's long term.
Not that I dun understnd my mother but I really had enough!! Yes, she had only me left with her coz dad at apex harmony lodge but cant always expect others to do the same as you like or wish, right? Dun intrude into my privacy, please repect my own privacy. Doesn't mean everything I have to let you know. Just like NHC MSW Jessie told her about, coz were too close we end up clashing. Which I totally agreed with Jessie.
No matter what, mother still dun get it. she even mentioned if one day, I were to get married migrate, she'll follow me. Sure but dun interrupt my family life. I felt being strangled!! I can go for haircut myself n need not u to lie to others that I need u to accompany jus becoz u wanna make sure hairdresser did a nice cut for me. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am big enuf already, dun treat me like a baby!! ARGH!!!! I need FREEDOM!!
Upon reaching, asked me how's everything, hows appt n blah...argh..dun insist on me doing ur way, okay!
His gf is about my size & when I saw how she piled up her plate full of meats, seafood n others & the ay she ate really made me felt so SICK & feel like vomitting, thats when I had enough & signalled to th uncle to clear my stuffs. Walked to paragon to get stuffs from growing fun. After which, I went to SGH for my appt with Kevin. It was still early at 2.30p.m anw, I registered 1st, went to LIFE to relax n there met Florence Chiang.
My turn to come, hd a long session with Kevin. Told me to remember to tell Dr Lee abt my suicidal thots, bingeing (told me to call Pauline), whether can take alcohol n abt my medication. Hmm..I did purge at times but not much except I took B&H pills SHAPE tea to detox.
Whenever at home, cant tolerate mother how she reacts most of the times by sighing & angry for no reason. Sometimes I talk to her nicely but she got angry oso. Always say I took med get easily agitated but she oso need to see psychiatrist which lotsa doctors told her so it's long term.
Not that I dun understnd my mother but I really had enough!! Yes, she had only me left with her coz dad at apex harmony lodge but cant always expect others to do the same as you like or wish, right? Dun intrude into my privacy, please repect my own privacy. Doesn't mean everything I have to let you know. Just like NHC MSW Jessie told her about, coz were too close we end up clashing. Which I totally agreed with Jessie.
No matter what, mother still dun get it. she even mentioned if one day, I were to get married migrate, she'll follow me. Sure but dun interrupt my family life. I felt being strangled!! I can go for haircut myself n need not u to lie to others that I need u to accompany jus becoz u wanna make sure hairdresser did a nice cut for me. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am big enuf already, dun treat me like a baby!! ARGH!!!! I need FREEDOM!!
Upon reaching, asked me how's everything, hows appt n blah...argh..dun insist on me doing ur way, okay!
Monday, March 8, 2010
BED a lot
What the hell am I doing! I've been bingeing non-stop thoday and it's making me terrible. Am feeling damn sleepy, tired, dizzy & worse hungry. Am so emotionally hurt n depressed that I BINGED!!!! I can just eat non-stop till now I feel extremely BLOATED!! Wanna get rid of the stuffs inside me!! TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Not me
Morn woke up 8.30 am, bring mother to JP KFC for breakast as she wanted to try out the waffle with egg. Wasnt to our expectation, luckily the portugese egg tart n hash brown make up for it. Went to NTUC xtr to get grocery & told mother I would like to walk on my own, I wanted to have some pvt space. Mood spoilt by bad breakfast, I wonder around at JP, wentto star factory & spent $100 on catching soft toys - Hello Kitty SANRIO & Walt Disney Donald Ducklings. Not much luck as I spent so much on it. Unless it's big toy but it wasnt thou I caught >10 of it.
Hungry, got myself hotdog bread from GV n spread mustad n chilli on topn got soy bean milk drink for my lunchie. Went Cyberactive n mega media, not much of new game of WII. Wanted to get WII fit plus but must get the board too n it will cost me >$130. I cant afford, me need to save $$. My $$ running out very soon. I dunno what to do.
Went home, took a nap. Had dinner n online FB. Sianz..tmr gg to work leh...tues afternoon seeing Kevin.
Hungry, got myself hotdog bread from GV n spread mustad n chilli on topn got soy bean milk drink for my lunchie. Went Cyberactive n mega media, not much of new game of WII. Wanted to get WII fit plus but must get the board too n it will cost me >$130. I cant afford, me need to save $$. My $$ running out very soon. I dunno what to do.
Went home, took a nap. Had dinner n online FB. Sianz..tmr gg to work leh...tues afternoon seeing Kevin.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Binge eat worsen
for past few weeksn it's horrible. I can just eat n eat non-stop, keep on feeling hungry. Am I just too bored or empty? My goodness...am putting lotsa weight.HELP! I called Pauline but she weren't in till 5p.m.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Appt this morn
with Dr Lee was hilarious. I shared with her my story in DSS mag & SHAPE mar issue & she commented thats gd, hope that helps to motivate me & in my recovery too. I told her I saw her online photo at HPB webpage & she denied initially citing that I've seen wrongly but I told her, she's the only doctor whom studied at Ireland & one could see the shocked look on her face. Later she said she had a talk on 10th Mar. hehe
http://www.hpb.gov.sg/news/event.aspx?id=5100#hueiyen
Dr Lee will be seeing me in 3 wks time, increased my zoloft to 50mg & lorazepam 1mg. Coz both v low dosage at start& see how it goes. Dr Lee mentioned she discussed with Kevin abt my request on hypnotherapy & psychodynamic therapy & that Kevin will talk to me nxt week. Coz I might feel depressed & whats my goal in the therapy. Hmm..oh well...
http://www.hpb.gov.sg/news/event.aspx?id=5100#hueiyen
Dr Lee will be seeing me in 3 wks time, increased my zoloft to 50mg & lorazepam 1mg. Coz both v low dosage at start& see how it goes. Dr Lee mentioned she discussed with Kevin abt my request on hypnotherapy & psychodynamic therapy & that Kevin will talk to me nxt week. Coz I might feel depressed & whats my goal in the therapy. Hmm..oh well...
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Excruciating pain
Mon morn, I could feel excruciating pain on my pelvic & c*** & it was so terrible that I must go see my GP. GP v clever in diagnosing & immediately asked me whether am hvg my period..oh yes, and it's 3rd day! It was full of clots n extremely heavy I couldn't take it... GP prescribed me the meds to stop clots, cramps n cough..since I've a bit of cough..but am hvg sore throat right now!! Argh...
Monday, March 1, 2010
My success story in SHAPE mag Mar issue
I bought SHAPE mar issue just now to see my photo how it turns out. One look at it, was they had it edited in some way or another n made me look so much slimmer...lol...as if I weigh 70kg now.
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