Curiousity got me to lay hands on Dr Leslie book about depression. Wanting to get some answers from it but yet not fulfilled. Anti-depressent medications labelled with "poison" but may not totally take a person life, aint it? At most, detroy kidney/ liver or any other vital organs. How about if combine all kinds of medications, will it work?
I looked up to people who actually drank detergent took rats poison and even those who jump down from buildings. In fact, this week, before my appt with Dr Lee, at work, got the most horrifying auto suicide of jumping down from my workplace, just like when I had my very 1st suicide thoughts last yr nov.
Am tired of living already. Maybe someday, I might carry out. No one can say for sure.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Seizures, nightmare on thurs wee morning 4 a.m
17/9, thurs wee morning, 4 a.m. Woke up from nightmare and there's a voice calling out to me, followed by seizures and facial expressions too. I couldn't fall back to sleep again and I had to wake up at 8 a.m. as I had appt with Dr Lee Huei Yen at 10.30 a.m.
I was actually very afraid Dr Lee might ward me cause I've self-inflicted injuries to myself and having suicidal thoughts in which 4 of it auto came. Recently, at work, dont know why for no apparrent reason that I broke down and ended taking pm leave. 2 dued to stresses at work, tried pushing myself to do as much as I can.
Dr Lee printed out some personality disorder articles & asked whether do they apply to me and I don't agree totally. She said I can disagree but there's 2 aspects where she noticed of me. Citing must find the root of causes to cure me otherwise I keep having depression and suicide thoughts, not saying medications don't help but to a certain extend. No point keep changing medications. Dr Lee asked me what am I going to do when I've suicide thoughts & I replied don't know when questioned a few times. Then she asked me what's going on my mind now, I replied nothing.
After that, she said I good in internet search, can look up and research. Dr Lee seeing me in 3 wks time and must tell her about it.
Dr Lee wanted to put me back on fluvoxetine but I'm very floaty the next day, then she prescribed lexapro escitalopram 10mg which has lesser side effects than venlafaxine. To lift my insonmia, Dr Lee prescribed me Stilnox CR Zolpidem in which is optional.
Last night, took lexapro at 8.30 pm 1 hr after dinner, within 1/2 hr, I could feel myself being sedative. I tucked in bed early at 9.30 pm thou half awake while being sedative. Had a good night sleep and woke up at 6.30 a.m. on friday 18/9.
I'm still drowsy with headache, dry mouth and don't know why got diarrhea. Maybe the lexapro huh.
I was actually very afraid Dr Lee might ward me cause I've self-inflicted injuries to myself and having suicidal thoughts in which 4 of it auto came. Recently, at work, dont know why for no apparrent reason that I broke down and ended taking pm leave. 2 dued to stresses at work, tried pushing myself to do as much as I can.
Dr Lee printed out some personality disorder articles & asked whether do they apply to me and I don't agree totally. She said I can disagree but there's 2 aspects where she noticed of me. Citing must find the root of causes to cure me otherwise I keep having depression and suicide thoughts, not saying medications don't help but to a certain extend. No point keep changing medications. Dr Lee asked me what am I going to do when I've suicide thoughts & I replied don't know when questioned a few times. Then she asked me what's going on my mind now, I replied nothing.
After that, she said I good in internet search, can look up and research. Dr Lee seeing me in 3 wks time and must tell her about it.
Dr Lee wanted to put me back on fluvoxetine but I'm very floaty the next day, then she prescribed lexapro escitalopram 10mg which has lesser side effects than venlafaxine. To lift my insonmia, Dr Lee prescribed me Stilnox CR Zolpidem in which is optional.
Last night, took lexapro at 8.30 pm 1 hr after dinner, within 1/2 hr, I could feel myself being sedative. I tucked in bed early at 9.30 pm thou half awake while being sedative. Had a good night sleep and woke up at 6.30 a.m. on friday 18/9.
I'm still drowsy with headache, dry mouth and don't know why got diarrhea. Maybe the lexapro huh.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
HELP! Am being sandwiched!
Recent visit to snr psychologist & GP, both advised me to be more assertive towards my mother and if she's unhappy, that's her problem. Pointing out that the fact am being too close to my mother, ended up to be co-dependance and that they're not sure when it started.
If mother is happy, I'm happy. However, if mother is unhappy, am unhappy. If there's conflict, I'll hurt deep down inside too. That explains why I have depression.
Like recent incidence, I bought G2000 tops for $26 each & 2 FILA polo tee for $19.90 each. Mother would keep asking me why I bought the FILA polo tee when it's not as class nor nice as G2000 tops. Citing even if am angry, she also wanted to point out no point buying FILA polo tee when it cost $19.90.
However, I voiced out my opinion that I like it. Not that I must wear so corporate wear to work daily as I like varieties. Over this conflict, it hurts me deeply and ended up self-inflicting harm myself, penetrating sharp fingernails on my arms to ease pain.
If mother is happy, I'm happy. However, if mother is unhappy, am unhappy. If there's conflict, I'll hurt deep down inside too. That explains why I have depression.
Like recent incidence, I bought G2000 tops for $26 each & 2 FILA polo tee for $19.90 each. Mother would keep asking me why I bought the FILA polo tee when it's not as class nor nice as G2000 tops. Citing even if am angry, she also wanted to point out no point buying FILA polo tee when it cost $19.90.
However, I voiced out my opinion that I like it. Not that I must wear so corporate wear to work daily as I like varieties. Over this conflict, it hurts me deeply and ended up self-inflicting harm myself, penetrating sharp fingernails on my arms to ease pain.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Depression recurrence?
For past 3 weeks, feeling very depressed and afraid it's recurrence of depression. It's very disabling that I couldn't concentrate at work. Thoughts of jumping off building and even slashing my wrist came haunting me which is torturing me. Struggling with inner self. Either couldn't fall asleep or woke up at night or been sleeping for ultra long hrs which ended don't feel like waking up at all. Even everynow and then, will cry also. Very headache and dizzy. Even thought of overdosing on few medications. -_-!!
Yesterday appt with Kevin, snr psychologist. He sounded angry also when he finds me very tense and that he won't start hypnotherapy. I just couldn't relax and even when I tried using the breathing technique, I got choked and uncomfortable. He encourages me to do so often. He even mentioned he's also very stressed out at LIFE ctr and he did exercises. I do exercises but still not able to feel that good. Sighz..
Though appt with Dr Lee is one month's time but seems very fast as it's just next week.
Yesterday appt with Kevin, snr psychologist. He sounded angry also when he finds me very tense and that he won't start hypnotherapy. I just couldn't relax and even when I tried using the breathing technique, I got choked and uncomfortable. He encourages me to do so often. He even mentioned he's also very stressed out at LIFE ctr and he did exercises. I do exercises but still not able to feel that good. Sighz..
Though appt with Dr Lee is one month's time but seems very fast as it's just next week.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Raised my voice at my mother
This morning, when I was downstairs waiting for Jason, the cab driver to come, I realised I've forgotten to bring along my medications. Tried calling mother but her hp ain't on, hence, thinking it's alright to miss a day's dose only.
Not long after I boarded Jason's cab, mother called to tell me I forgot to bring my medication. Told her I'm already on the way to work then mother said, asked him to turn back lah! Feddup manz!! Just miss a day dosage, wont do much harm. I also raised my voice and said that I've tried calling her but hp not on yet.
Mother said she'll come down with my medications, I ask Jason to turn back. I felt bad ticking off my mother off but I just couldn't hold my anger.
I couldn't fall asleep last night and my whole body aching all over. Duhz...
Not long after I boarded Jason's cab, mother called to tell me I forgot to bring my medication. Told her I'm already on the way to work then mother said, asked him to turn back lah! Feddup manz!! Just miss a day dosage, wont do much harm. I also raised my voice and said that I've tried calling her but hp not on yet.
Mother said she'll come down with my medications, I ask Jason to turn back. I felt bad ticking off my mother off but I just couldn't hold my anger.
I couldn't fall asleep last night and my whole body aching all over. Duhz...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Appointment with Kevin yesterday
Yesterday appointment with Kevin was brief, no rooms available and time is tight. Anxiety was on me and I can't stop poking myself with my fingernails. When Kevin called for me, he said I was very tense and that if I can't even relax, he won't do hypnotherapy on me. Told me to read up on it and I replied I've read all about it. Till I'm relax then he'll perform hypnotherapy, otherwise I won't be able to sink deep.
Suicide thoughts
For past few days, suicide thoughts been coming back. I felt extremely depressed, tired and headache. Most of the time, dizziness. Just now, I felt so confused and frustrated, I held my head. Later, headed to ladies and cried out and thought of jumping off a building or taking knife to cut my wrist for no apparent reason.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Upsetting
During friday lunch, received call from Sis Pat that the CDSMP workshop is postphoned & I called mother up whether wanna go Ngee Ann City to watch lion dance competition since weather is good. Performance ain't that exciting, could be due to it's traditional & not free-style.
Mother wanted to go on sat to catch the performance and I didn't really wanted to as I was very tired out and bodyaching. Woke up at 2.50 pm on sat. Reached home quite late on friday. Told mother, even if I accompany her, I will go shopping and she just watch the lion dance competition. She planned to set off at 6 p.m and later blamed me by saying: "If I've known earlier, my gal doesn't want to watch, I go there by myself earlier." What is mother trying to say manz! Told her beforehand already.
When we reached there, asked if she wanted to share sushi and she agreed too when she just wanted the curry puff only. After buying dinner, mother ticked me off for buying so much sushi - inside consists of 10. I got fed up also, I ate 5 sushi and went off for my shopping for sports apparels since the fair is on.
Got myself 2 FILA polo tees for $19.90 each and mother say why I paid so much for polo tee, asked me nice meh? Haiz! Am the one wearing, if I like it, I buy. Why bother me so much! Making me as if am still small little kid, need to listen to mummy's words. Always tell people am "big baby". when you're the ONE whose CONTROLLING ME! Mother popped questions on what occassion I wear the Fila polo tee, I replied saying anytime. At times, we just don't see eye to eye at all!
For past few weeks, having severe gastroenteritis and spent so much money on medical fees at GP clinic and very stressful at work. I'm extremely EXHAUSTED! Glipizide making me fat too & I've put on 5 kgs!!
It hurts me a lot! I cried myself to sleep but can't. I just poke deeply with my fingernails on my hands & thighs to ease the pain deep inside me. Feel like even taking my own life & leave this sad world.
Mother wanted to go on sat to catch the performance and I didn't really wanted to as I was very tired out and bodyaching. Woke up at 2.50 pm on sat. Reached home quite late on friday. Told mother, even if I accompany her, I will go shopping and she just watch the lion dance competition. She planned to set off at 6 p.m and later blamed me by saying: "If I've known earlier, my gal doesn't want to watch, I go there by myself earlier." What is mother trying to say manz! Told her beforehand already.
When we reached there, asked if she wanted to share sushi and she agreed too when she just wanted the curry puff only. After buying dinner, mother ticked me off for buying so much sushi - inside consists of 10. I got fed up also, I ate 5 sushi and went off for my shopping for sports apparels since the fair is on.
Got myself 2 FILA polo tees for $19.90 each and mother say why I paid so much for polo tee, asked me nice meh? Haiz! Am the one wearing, if I like it, I buy. Why bother me so much! Making me as if am still small little kid, need to listen to mummy's words. Always tell people am "big baby". when you're the ONE whose CONTROLLING ME! Mother popped questions on what occassion I wear the Fila polo tee, I replied saying anytime. At times, we just don't see eye to eye at all!
For past few weeks, having severe gastroenteritis and spent so much money on medical fees at GP clinic and very stressful at work. I'm extremely EXHAUSTED! Glipizide making me fat too & I've put on 5 kgs!!
It hurts me a lot! I cried myself to sleep but can't. I just poke deeply with my fingernails on my hands & thighs to ease the pain deep inside me. Feel like even taking my own life & leave this sad world.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Frustrations
Wed's late afternoon, I couldn't tolerate the extreme sharp abdominal pain on the upper left, asked for permission to see GP. Mgr asked me what happened? Told him of the pain and he said: "Ok." Reading GP's clinic around 4.50 pm plus and I waited few more patients before it's my turn. Doctor told me to lie down and she pressed to see if any pain and was told I had severe gastroentitis but need not have injection.
Msg-ed Jason who is my taxi driver that I won't be reporting for work the next day, on medical leave.
I woke up late in the morning on thurs, took my hp and saw missed Jason's 8 calls. Thought something very important, called Jason back, to find that his younger son had chicken pox! Asked if my mother remember what to eat and what not to. Advised him to bring his son to see Dr Sarani who will be at Jurong's clinic but he replied saying: "No need, as he brought his son to nearby private clinic." Up to him, whatever he deem fit.
I was very sleepy at 5.30 pm, went to bed and woke up at 8.45 pm thou I'veset alarm for 7.30 pm. Woke up feeling unwell. Had simple dinner and tucked in bed almost 1 a.m I couldn't fall asleep at all even when soft music was played. Hard to get up this morning.
From our kitchen's window, mother saw Jason's taxi downstairs and time wa 7.20 am! Right after mother notified me, received Jason's sms asking whether am ready, I replied: "Coming." 7.40 am reaching his cab, I apologised as I've overslept. Wonder if he made up the story or whatever, saying: "Just now got one auntie approached him, saying his car engine disturbed her sleep. Wanna complain." So he switched his engine off and said he's very angry. I asked him which auntie and whether she's from the 2nd storey. He said he had no idea, afraid complain then dunno how to earn living.
During journey to work, he mentioned about the call centre of prime, being suspended due to call from customers and then taxi drivers went to destination to discover customers not there and wasted time waiting and trhat waiting 10 mins could delay them from fetching other customers and their living. I was boiling deep down, you wana come much earlier, that's your own business and I didn't let you wait for me for so long like his other customers as to >30 mins!
He even cited that whenever he called, as if I purposely dun want to take his call. Come on manz! I was on medical leave yesterday, when I woke up realised 8 missed calls, I also called back, thought something very important! I don't work on weekends, my hp always on silent mode whenever am sleeping, when I've woke up, sure to ON my hp with ringtone. How to expect me to take your call on weekends when I've haven't wake up and hp on silent mode. Last time, you told my mother you don't wake up this early and no customers then now blame me. Don't give me this kinda shit excuses! You want just tell me wanna drive or not! YES or NO, simple as that!
Checking on office emails, saw mgr's email to snr mgr and team that I requested for earlier release to see doctor and another email saying I've sms-ed on 1 day mc due to severe gastric. Come on! Mgr leh, need to email snr mgr, in that case, if you're undecidable, I shall go to snr mgr better for me.
Am boiling, very frustrated, very angry. Like volcano erupting! Listening to symphony whenever am feeling these.
Msg-ed Jason who is my taxi driver that I won't be reporting for work the next day, on medical leave.
I woke up late in the morning on thurs, took my hp and saw missed Jason's 8 calls. Thought something very important, called Jason back, to find that his younger son had chicken pox! Asked if my mother remember what to eat and what not to. Advised him to bring his son to see Dr Sarani who will be at Jurong's clinic but he replied saying: "No need, as he brought his son to nearby private clinic." Up to him, whatever he deem fit.
I was very sleepy at 5.30 pm, went to bed and woke up at 8.45 pm thou I'veset alarm for 7.30 pm. Woke up feeling unwell. Had simple dinner and tucked in bed almost 1 a.m I couldn't fall asleep at all even when soft music was played. Hard to get up this morning.
From our kitchen's window, mother saw Jason's taxi downstairs and time wa 7.20 am! Right after mother notified me, received Jason's sms asking whether am ready, I replied: "Coming." 7.40 am reaching his cab, I apologised as I've overslept. Wonder if he made up the story or whatever, saying: "Just now got one auntie approached him, saying his car engine disturbed her sleep. Wanna complain." So he switched his engine off and said he's very angry. I asked him which auntie and whether she's from the 2nd storey. He said he had no idea, afraid complain then dunno how to earn living.
During journey to work, he mentioned about the call centre of prime, being suspended due to call from customers and then taxi drivers went to destination to discover customers not there and wasted time waiting and trhat waiting 10 mins could delay them from fetching other customers and their living. I was boiling deep down, you wana come much earlier, that's your own business and I didn't let you wait for me for so long like his other customers as to >30 mins!
He even cited that whenever he called, as if I purposely dun want to take his call. Come on manz! I was on medical leave yesterday, when I woke up realised 8 missed calls, I also called back, thought something very important! I don't work on weekends, my hp always on silent mode whenever am sleeping, when I've woke up, sure to ON my hp with ringtone. How to expect me to take your call on weekends when I've haven't wake up and hp on silent mode. Last time, you told my mother you don't wake up this early and no customers then now blame me. Don't give me this kinda shit excuses! You want just tell me wanna drive or not! YES or NO, simple as that!
Checking on office emails, saw mgr's email to snr mgr and team that I requested for earlier release to see doctor and another email saying I've sms-ed on 1 day mc due to severe gastric. Come on! Mgr leh, need to email snr mgr, in that case, if you're undecidable, I shall go to snr mgr better for me.
Am boiling, very frustrated, very angry. Like volcano erupting! Listening to symphony whenever am feeling these.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Cold weather
Weather been cold for days which prompted me to take a glass of white wine to warm myself up last night after taking 5 sticks of satays and dinner. Can't actually remembered whether I can take alcohol and I msged Eunice just now. hee...*haughty*
Mother woke up early this morning to whip up a meal for my lunch as I've been taking instant cup noodles for days and said not good for me. Had lunch earlier at 11.40 a.m since am feeling hungry but seems filling after taking halfway. Got fish, broccoli and portobello mushroom. Ate an organic small apple too. When I try napping, there's piercing left abdominal pain.
Mother woke up early this morning to whip up a meal for my lunch as I've been taking instant cup noodles for days and said not good for me. Had lunch earlier at 11.40 a.m since am feeling hungry but seems filling after taking halfway. Got fish, broccoli and portobello mushroom. Ate an organic small apple too. When I try napping, there's piercing left abdominal pain.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Cant get out of bed and sooooooooooo sleepy
This morning, pressed the alarm snooze for many times and I just couldn't find myself out of the bed and I feel just sooooooooooooooooo SLEEPY. I tucked in bed at 12.30 midnight and I managed to pull myself up nat 6.50 a.m.
Dressed up iny spaghetti top with shirt over it and my bell bottoms for work. Just nice as Jason, my taxi driver is downstairs. Yesterday I purposely disturbed him by sms-ing him "Am downstairs liao" since he always did that whenever he's downstairs much earlier. hee... Let him taste back his own medicine. He was surprised I was so early yesterday...haha
I had my breakfast right in front of laptop and my eyes are so droppy. Putting eyedrops helps a bit but still my head kept nodding "yes, I understand." Woo...I stood up, walked to pantry, ladies and boiled some hot water. Don't feel like having my lunch later on but just wanna catch some prescious nap moment. hee...
Yesterday lunch, went out to have single swiss burger with fries without salt and hot milo. Intended to have mcdonalds double filet o fish wasabi but abolished the idea. Bought a mcflurry cornetto thou after getting my bathroom necessities.
Mother always nagging me to eat more rice, meats and veges but I just feel full already. Whenever I snacked on seaweed, mother would say horse must eat grass. Precisely, I love seaweed a lot. Knowing macadamia and walnuts are fattening, I switch to seaweed.
Just now, I even had 3 pieces of munchy chocolates flavour biscuits and one 60 calories Hersey chocolate stick. Oh no...
Am EXTREMELY TIRED OUT!! Coughing persisting.
Dressed up iny spaghetti top with shirt over it and my bell bottoms for work. Just nice as Jason, my taxi driver is downstairs. Yesterday I purposely disturbed him by sms-ing him "Am downstairs liao" since he always did that whenever he's downstairs much earlier. hee... Let him taste back his own medicine. He was surprised I was so early yesterday...haha
I had my breakfast right in front of laptop and my eyes are so droppy. Putting eyedrops helps a bit but still my head kept nodding "yes, I understand." Woo...I stood up, walked to pantry, ladies and boiled some hot water. Don't feel like having my lunch later on but just wanna catch some prescious nap moment. hee...
Yesterday lunch, went out to have single swiss burger with fries without salt and hot milo. Intended to have mcdonalds double filet o fish wasabi but abolished the idea. Bought a mcflurry cornetto thou after getting my bathroom necessities.
Mother always nagging me to eat more rice, meats and veges but I just feel full already. Whenever I snacked on seaweed, mother would say horse must eat grass. Precisely, I love seaweed a lot. Knowing macadamia and walnuts are fattening, I switch to seaweed.
Just now, I even had 3 pieces of munchy chocolates flavour biscuits and one 60 calories Hersey chocolate stick. Oh no...
Am EXTREMELY TIRED OUT!! Coughing persisting.
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